There once was a land — a magical land — where a squarejawed titan named John Tesh and a leggy vixen named Mary Hart reigned supreme. Together, they blazed a pioneering trail in which the worlds of journalism and entertainment converged into 30 minutes of televised bliss each and every weeknight. But much like other creations that were born of the purest intentions (think: The Coreys, Britney Spears and Napster), copycat competitors soon entered the fray and everything quickly turned to shit.

Today, the state of celebrity infotainment is at a crossroads, a crossroads at which the likes of Harvey Levin, Billy Bush and Mark McGrath are honored as the Father, Son and Unholy Ghost of the genre. As new celeb-centric shows spring up with greater regularity than lesions on Paris Hilton's nether regions, we here at Defamer are proud to present a new weekly video feature that we are calling Dirt Sandwich. Culled together by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, each episode will place an unforgiving spotlight on the week's lowest and highest moments (which, as you'll soon discover, are often one and the same). Enjoy!

A "shocking video" of Heath Ledger "snorting what appear to be drugs off a table" at noted Hollywood drug haven the Chateau Marmont has "surfaced." Entertainment Tonight bought it for $200,000, teased it, then backed away from playing it. Same with The Insider. Not, according to the Daily News, the case with Australia's Channel 9, which will play the tape tonight. Expect to be shocked! Shocked to see an actor attend a party, after an awards show (2006 SAG Awards), and snort a line of coke! Ledger expresses "remorse" at his life of habitual drug-taking, saying he used to smoke a lot of weed. "'I'm going to get serious s—t from my girlfriend,' Ledger tells his companions. 'We just had a baby three months ago.'" Does this seriously sound like a man in the grip of, according to today's Post, a major drug habit?

To watch an actual doctor actually do something towards curing non-actual celebrities with actual drug problems, we refer you to the goings on over at VH1's Celebrity Rehab, with board-accredited, medical-degree-holding Dr. Drew and his ragtag gang of Z-list addicts. (And a constantly-moaning-in- withdrawal-symptom-agony Jeff Conaway. Seriously—shit's fucked up. We don't think the I Love New York 2 people really realized what they were getting into.) For all your other TV quack needs, we refer you instead to Mr. Phil, who apparently now regrets breaching Fake-Doctor/Someone-Else's-Patient confidentiality laws by blabbing all about Britney Spears to those guys over at Entertainment Tonight:

Anyone else wondering why none of the major entertainment shows — Entertainment Tonight, Extra! or Access Hollywood — have touched the revelations of Tom Cruise's deep involvement with the Church of Scientology? Someone with backbone at the shows: send us the internal discussion, please.

If there's one bright spot to the massive, black thundercloud hanging over Hollywood this week, it comes in the form of an outpouring of love and genuine sympathy for Owen Wilson—not just from his fans, but from fellow celebrities, who know first hand of the inner turmoil that can accompany being permanently strapped into the fame machine, and who would go to great lengths to inform Entertainment Tonight's cameras of how much they are pulling for him in his time of need:

"Entertainment Tonight" ran some terrific footage of the late Leona Helmsley last night. It comes from a pre-incarceration era interview Helmsley did with "60 Minutes" living vampire Mike Wallace. You really get the sense of why Post scold Andrea Peyser was such a big fan of Leona's.

"Entertainment Tonight" blew a ton of dough on the rights to the Anna Nicole Smith funeral, and damned if they're not going to see some return on that investment. In last night's installment, the viewers weighed in, and, shockingly, the people who not only watch "E.T." but also write into it are exactly as stupid as you think they are. They're also deeply moved. As are we. Enjoy.

When we were but wee ones and first forced to confront the fact of life that is death, we were given the following advice: "If you keep someone in your heart and always remember them, they'll never really be gone." It's good advice, and it's how we've managed to cope thus far with the tragic passing of Anna Nicole Smith. Fortunately, we have "Entertainment Tonight," and its giant story-buying budget, to help us work through the grieving process. Continuing their coverage of our fallen angel's funeral, last night they brought us footage from the after-party. Here's how the scene looked to those lucky enough to be invited; all we can say is it's class all around.

Last evening "Entertainment Tonight," which has owned the Anna Nicole Smith story (literally - they fucking bought it) brought us the touching footage of America's sweetheart being laid to rest. Every note was perfect: the slow procession to the grave, the release of the doves, and then this scene, where our faded rose's mother goes a little bit bonkers with the shovel. Tonight "E.T." takes us to the funeral after-party; we will for sure update you tomorrow.

As a nation watches its doomed, sweet princess finally laid to rest, we'd like to take a moment to recognize a news organization that has gone above and beyond the call of duty in its efforts to bring us as close to Anna Nicole Smith in death as it did in life. That's right, we're talking about "Entertainment Tonight," whose selfless shelling out of millions of dollars to purchase footage (and the free "bonus" interviews that came along with them) of Anna and family resulted in one of television's greatest moments: the airing of the C-section that brought little Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern into the world. Well, that close relationship has paid off. We hear that "E.T." has been allowed to attach a CasketCam—a videocamera that puts you right in the middle of the action—to Anna Nicole's burial box. We don't know about you, but we'll be watching "E.T." tonight. Tackiness on a scale this grand must not go unrewarded.

Did former Anna Nicole Smith assistant Kimberly Walther actually ramble on "her blog" about Howard K. Stern's guilt, as Page Six reported this morning? Apparently, we were all naive to think so. Entertainment Tonight will feature an interview tonight with the formerly purple-haired, still Anna-tribute-tattooed lesbian, in which she supports Howard K. Stern's paternity claims and maintains that she "would never think that [Howard] would do anything to harm either Daniel or Anna." The weird thing is, we kind of believe her. Would a woman with a tattoo of Anna Nicole Smith lie? We'll find out when we get ours!

The tabloid T.V. get of the week is Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and potential baby-daddy—already Entertainment Tonight has him locked down.