Prince Andrew, Duke of York, second oldest son of the queen of Great Britain, has been accused of repeatedly sleeping with an underage sex-slave provided by a Florida-based investment banker and convicted sex offender, and representatives of the English crown are scurrying to respond to the allegations.

Muhammed "Max" Maqsood fended off a machete-wielding masked bandit from robbing his convenience store in Sunderland, England last week with a metal shutter pole. The 63-year-old shop owner lost part of his middle finger in the battle and the accused attacker is at large.

British department store chain John Lewis is known for its annual Christmas ads, which feature some sort of aggressively cute concept and a new cover of a popular song that will immediately top the U.K. charts. This year, though, they've been hard at work developing weaponized make-you-cry technology. Hope you like sobbing!

England's University of Kent has dashed an intramural soccer team's dream of a sponsorship from PornHub, one of the biggest streaming porn sites in the many-tentacled MindGeek empire, and ordered the players to stop wearing their PornHub jerseys immediately.

Do not be alarmed if, while strolling through Colchester or Wiltham, you come across a man dressed in head-to-to bondage-style latex. He's only the Gimp Man of Essex, out to "spark debate" and raise a little money for charity.

The drug mephedrone, commonly referred to as "Meow Meow," has been driving teens to all kinds of destruction lately. Connor Scott, a 19-year-old Meow Meow addict, reportedly admitted this week to holding up two different British clothing stores with a machete. According to the police report, when cops caught up to him, Scott said, "Get me off the streets."

With the Scottish independence vote just days away, John Oliver walked us through the thousands-year-long marriage between Scotland and England on this week's Last Week Tonight. It hasn't been great!

Two British tourists who met while traveling in Thailand were found nearly naked and beaten to death on a beach on the island of Koh Tao in the Gulf of Thailand, police say.

The father of a British schoolboy says his son has been screwed out of a bus pass because the local council is stubbornly enforcing a policy down to the last decimal place. Jon Lawson, age 11, lives 1.999 miles away from school. Students who live 2 miles out are eligible for free passes.

Scotland is tantalizingly close to declaring independence from Great Britain and setting up as a sovereign nation. But there are so many implications! Like, say, this Business Insider post's suggestion that an independent Scotland could get invaded by Russians on submarines. Let's explore, shall we?

David "Pig Pen" Sedaris, mainly known for his volunteer efforts to pick up trash all over the Horsham district of Sussex, England, recently received an honor appropriate to his fantastic work, the West Sussex County Times reported this week.

Here's a horror film come to life: a stalker broke into a 16-year-old girl's house and sent her an "I'm watching you" text from under her bed. The stalker — Kyle Ravenscroft, 18 —also texted the girl he was going to kill himself so that she'd find him hanging outside her window.

Emily Brontë: literary legend. Also, savage dog abuser.

An 89-year-old veteran who went missing from his retirement home in Sussex, England yesterday morning has been located: He showed up today on the beachhead of Normandy, medals pinned to his coat, to take in the anniversary celebration of the D-Day invasion.

There is a tradition in Gloucestershire, England where a bunch of men race down a steep hill chasing wheels of cheese. It's called "cheese-rolling." Oddly, especially given this country's longstanding obsession with slathering their food in cheeses, the cheese-roll has yet to become the stateside sensation it so clearly could be.

A teen girl caught on camera slapping a woman in the face with a large fish is wanted by police, who have declared her behavior "completely unacceptable."

The BAFTA Film Awards, which are currently underway at the Royal Opera House in London, has given Gravity six out of its eleven nominated awards already, mysteriously one of which is for Outstanding British Film. Winners receive a peeled-off graft of Shakespeare's skin dipped in bronze, and are then play-knighted with it by Prince William, the actual president of BAFTA.

This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, this knob that needs a little extra 'ow's yer father. Let's take a trip to a "personal development" camp in these cherished isles. Let's put a little more jack in the Union Jack. Am I being too coy? Fine, let's go on a weekend retreat to learn how to masturbate better.

Why are so many ferrets being stolen in the U.K.? You can tell us your theories in the comments, but know this—if you ever get caught jacking a ferret, just say yours is not the one cops are looking for: "I'd suggest one ferret looks very much like another. That's going to be one of the issues at trial."

Kevin Shields, the extremely wise and plugged-in founder of fuzz-gods My Bloody Valentine, just dropped a bomb on the British public: Brit-pop—the "Cool Brittania"-era explosion of ghastly, derivative rock'n'roll from the likes of Oasis, Blur, Pulp, and any other number of one-word bands—was in fact a conspiracy foisted on the Western world by British intelligence agencies. I mean, it's so obvious once you think about it.