The glow from Olympic victory is notoriously short-lived. Prudent, then, that champion swimmer Michael Phelps is moving quickly to convert his Olympic buzz into sweet endorsement cash. Over the next week, Phelps will promote his existing sponsors. Then he's off to London and, several days later, New York, reports the Wall Street Journal. The athlete is estimated worth upwards of $40 million to Nike alone, assuming he switches to their swimwear from Speedo, and his agent estimates he can take in $100 million over the course of his lifetime. That aggressive number still values each of Phelps' 14 gold medals (eight this Olympiad alone) well below the going rate for top celebrity babies. And reaching the payday has been infinitely harder for Phelps, not to mention more tricky. Look at all the sometimes wacky and ill-considered endorsement possibilities he'll have to carefully navigate, lest he tarnish his brand:

The Perez Hilton brand is becoming an empire! Well, sort of. The off-putting celebrity blogger has been stamping his name on shitty clothing, he might be getting his own record label, and now he's had a damn musical written about him. Is he really becoming an unstoppable juggernaut corporation, or is it just hooey? We'll take a closer look at the corpulent stain-artist's side projects after the jump.

Oprah is the most important person in the world, singlehandedly driving American book-buying and butt cream choices. Ad Age has a monster article today about "How to Get Your Brand on 'Oprah,'" which is the most important task facing American marketers everywhere at any given time. And after thousands of words, the magazine nails the secret to landing your widget in this "pinnacle of product publicity": get Oprah to like you, or something!

Sharon Stone has finally apologized for her "inappropriate" comment that the recent massive Chinese earthquake was a product of "bad karma" for the country for its treatment on Tibet. She's sorry, okay! Nevertheless, fashion house Christian Dior announced that it's pulling all of its ads featuring the actress from all department stores, and the entire country of China. Though the comment itself was stupid, Stone's hasty retreat from her brash Tibet-championing—and Dior's even harsher public rebuke of her—are a great illustration of what is becoming the New China Rule: "Do Not Talk About The New China Rule." It's been de rigeur for top stars to prove their class by endorsing luxury brands, and to prove their morality by pontificating about Tibet. But guess what: pretty soon you're going to have to pick one or the other, Hollywood. And it's not looking good for the Dalai Lama.

Ever wake up and wish you looked just like Derek Jeter? No? Well, you're going to get your chance anyway. 24 Hour Fitness, the gym chain that has signed the likes of Magic Johnson, Andre Agassi, Lance Armstrong, Shaquille O'Neal, Jackie Chan, and Yao Ming in the past, has tapped the Yankee to serve as its public face when it opens four gyms later this year. Three locations will be located in Manhattan (SoHo, Madison Square Park, Midtown). One will be located in New Jersey, where we imagine the concept will be infinitely more popular.

Bruce Springsteen endorsed Barack Obama, leading to terrible headlines across this great nation and plenty knee-jerk hipster Boss-hate. Whatevs, guys, Tunnel of Love is a desert island disc. The political question: does it matter? Does Bruce still have blue-collar cred? He's wasted a bit less of it than some celebs have by not blogging on HuffPo or whining about dead polar bears, but he also appeared with John Kerry back in 2004 and we all know how that turned out. Anyway, biggest endorsement since Oprah! But endorsements still don't really matter! Bruce says Barack "speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years," which is a reference to white people made bitter after their jobs disappear and clinging to god and guns. Those are pretty much the people Bruce sings about when not singing about his wives. After the jump, a collection of utterly terrible Springsteen lyric jokes we removed from this post.

It's bad enough that we have to be subjected to the ordeal of companies using our dead heroes to endorse their brands. Now, the real marketing coup is securing an actual (live) world leader to wear your luxury shit for free. French president Nikolas Sarkozy has a Rolex and aviator shades. Puppet Russian president Dmitry Medvedev flaunted his collection of Franck Muller watches in a magazine spread. Socialista Venezuelan populist Hugo Chavez likes designer clothes and jewelry. Even George-freaking-Dubya goes to a special Texas cobbler for his precious "cowboy" boots [Guardian via Agenda Inc.]. Christ, next thing you know world leaders will be turning into luxury pitchmen to finance their cushy retirements! Oh yea, that already happened.

Tina Fey hosted the first post-strike SNL this weekend. We didn't watch, obv, but we shall risk incurring the wrath of Alex Balk by mentioning Fey's uncharacteristically sincere endorsement of Hillary Clinton, one of the very few convincing ones to be found in the national media of late (we just caught it online, the way everyone else will). Fey, SNL's first female head writer, may convince a few of those Barack-loving youngs to support America's potential first female president. (SNL's first black head writer could not be reached for comment, because that'll be the day.) Clip after the jump!

When you think about it, there was really nowhere else for Matthew McConaughey to go with his career besides fragrance pitchman. Having already drained Hollywood of every last romcom spec requiring frequent toplessness of its male lead, the Texan matinee idol is now veering into entirely new multi-million-dollar payout realms to further explore his torso-exposing art.

Yankees shortstop and and King of New York Derek Jeter is lending his image to 24 Hour Fitness, which plans to open three Jeter-themed gyms in the city. He'll be helping to design everything down to the tile! The timing of the announcement is impeccable, since just yesterday Jeter was revealed to be the worst fielding shortstop in baseball by a scientific study from researchers at the University of Pennsylvania. Learn to boot ground balls and miss line drives because of your poor range, only at 24 Hour Fitness! The Post, however, found a clever rebuke for those pointy-headed scientists: "'I don't know what they're smoking down at Penn,' said Yankees fan Mike." Check and mate! [NYP]

Though Sen. Hillary Clinton won the Florida primary, Barack Obama is still riding high after receiving perhaps the most endorsement of this campaign season. No, it's not the Kennedy imprimatur. It's the endorsement of street art dude Shepard Fairey, the guy who did those Andre the Giant Obey stencils. Recently, Fairey released a "limited edition" Barack Obama poster in which the starry eyed tricolor Senator is gazing into the distance whilst the word Progress is written across his chest and he appears to wear a lapel that is a mashup of the always mutable Obama logo and Andre the Giant. In the spirit of fairness, we've done a similar poster for Hillary Clinton which you can see and download after the jump.

The New Republic polled the people who really matter for their endorsements in the ongoing primary battle. Yes, finally, we shall get to hear the thoughts of two noted media recluses: famous lawyer Alan Dershowitz and Vanity Fair editor/Canadian Graydon Carter! Dershowitz endorses Hillary Clinton, because Barack Obama is a Muslim. Graydon Carter endorses Barack Obama because Hillary Clinton is not sufficiently yar. [The Star]

On Friday the kooky New York Times editorial board endorsed Senator John McCain mostly because he isn't ex-Mayor and protofascist Rudy Giuliani. All weekend they had the above video on their homepage in which Sen. McCain talks about his bright new economic plan in the gravelly down-to-earth tones of a man who can lead. And just in case you didn't read their endorsement, they set up a halo behind his head. A halo this big and this blatant hasn't been seen since the early Italian Renaissance. Subtle, New York Times, real subtle. But could it be possible that this is the Times' tacit way to bring up the age issue? McCain is already a septuagenarian and remember, you can't be a saint until you die. Subtle, New York Times, real subtle!

Besides pledging their time to Hillary Clinton, the New York Times also endorsed John McCain as the Republican presidential candidate. Though they were suitably adoring of McCain (war hero, integrity, blah blah blah) the real reason might be found in the paper's furious and almost purifying rage against former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani: "The real Mr. Giuliani, whom many New Yorkers came to know and mistrust, is a narrow, obsessively secretive, vindictive man who saw no need to limit police power. Racial polarization was as much a legacy of his tenure as the rebirth of Times Square." Oh snap! But it gets better/worse!

As we speculated yesterday, the New York Times has thrown its weight behind Hill "The Rill Dill" Clinton, endorsing the former first lady to be the Democratic presidential candidate. To wit: "The Times’s editorial board strongly recommends that they select Hillary Clinton as their nominee for the 2008 presidential election," and a little later, they gush, "We are hugely impressed by the depth of her knowledge, by the force of her intellect and by the breadth of, yes, her experience." And it's true, Hillary does have nicer breadth than Obama. But the editorial board is letting Barry down easy peasy.

Roly-poly propagandist Michael Moore wrote to his email listserve acolytes that, sadly, he would not be brainwashing them into supporting the candidate of his capricious choice in Iowa tomorrow. Because he's not endorsing any of them! That's the short answer. The long answer is that he's not endorsing any of them but super especially not endorsing Hillary Clinton. Because of Iraq, sure, and also maybe kinda because she was the only one who refused to sit down with him for a Rolling Stone interview two months ago, thus killing his piece. So: anyone but Hillary! Do it for Uncle Mike! [Drudge, letter posted below the jump because his link will last another hour or so]

Christian chop-socker and 2007's "Most Forwarded" Chuck Norris sat down with Larry King last night to share his opinions about who should run the free world. It's Mike Huckabee. So, when you're in the booth next year, about to press flesh to Diebold, remember: Chuck Norris endorses Mike Huckabee. (You might want to bookmark this page.) The mind reels at the the "Norris Facts"-esque gems inboxs will clog with over the coming year: "Mike Huckabee doesn't believe in creationism. He created it."

Marion "Pat" Robertson is the founder of the Christian Coalition, host of the 700 Club, and the strongest man in the world. Also he theoretically might be still kind of an important figure among all the Jesus people? It's hard to tell these days! We need a lengthy Times magazine story to either scare the shit out of the sinning Manhattanites or ease their worries with soothing promises that the fundies have all decided they like Obama. Anyway! Today, this Robertson guy took a break from hoisting a bus stop aloft with one arm tied behind his back to endorse fellow occasionally terrifying self-parody Rudy Giuliani. This is the point at which Mitt Romney would shoot himself in the head—if he wasn't concerned it'd muss his hair.

With these words, action star/political activist/internet demigod Chuck Norris abandons his own promising presidential candidacy and makes his official endorsement for the Republican nomination, pledging to saddle up and rise a conservative dark horse all the way to the White House: "A short time ago, I wrote in jest about what I would do if I am elected president. Of course, that was written all in good fun. Like most of you, over the summer and into the fall, I've been watching, listening, studying and praying about who could lead this country as our next president. I won't leave you in suspense. Though Giuliani might be savvy enough to lead people, Fred Thompson wise enough to wade through the tides of politics, McCain tough enough to fight terrorism and Romney business-minded enough to grow our economy, I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee." [World Net Daily via CNN Political Ticker]