Of all handler subgenus, perhaps none is taxed more thanklessly than flackus mendacitus, or the garden variety publicist.

Ringing in her 27th birthday a little early this weekend—plus the recent addition of a new litter of 13 pomerhuahuas to her ever-growing doggie menagerie—Paris Hilton celebrated by indulging her inner wild-child, throwing on a tiara, pink hair extensions, and a pair of varicose-vein-patterned tights, and table-dancing the night away at a party virtually devoid of pissy rap stars. What inspired off-again/on-again grenade-jumper Elliot Mintz to show up with a face smeared in a brownish-orange substance isn't entirely clear, however. While Mintz initially insisted the look was the result of having tripped and landed face-first into Lisa Rinna's back on his way into the festivities, the meticulous, ear-to-ear coverage suggested something else entirely:

At the end of last week, as the chaos swirled over which network would land the post-jail interview with Paris Hilton, and for how much money, and which network was denying most stridently that it had offered her cash, Hilton's new "crisis manager" Mike Sitrick gave a statement to the press. "Contrary to media reports," he said, "Paris Hilton is not being paid for any television interview nor is Paris Hilton being paid for any collateral material, including videos or photos."

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With Paris Hilton reportedly blaming Elliot Mintz in open court for her failure to understand the finer implications of a suspended license, it was unsurprising that the trusty PR manservant would be swiftly dispensed with. The flack's shitcanning instantly elicited a conundrum: Who issues the P.R. statements for disgraced P.R.-statement-issuers? (That would be Mintz himself, who holds no ill will towards Paris, her family, or anyone else associated with those backstabbing motherfuckers.) As for Paris herself—the wonky eye at the center of this particular celebrity shitstorm—well, she feels it's just not fair:

An explicit photograph circulated the internets recently, featuring what looked to be a kneeling Paris Hilton taking what could only have been a well-deserved break from the rigorous task of attending the needs of an amply endowed, unidentified male. (The photo can be seen here, and if our description hasn't yet made this abundantly clear, it's thoroughly NSFW.) Our initial reaction to seeing the image—that L.A. Superior Courts have rather unorthodox guidelines for what can and should constitute 40 hours of community service—was quickly replaced by skepticism, as something in the trashy manicure, the cheap hotel carpet, the glimmer of enthusiasm behind her lazy eye, said to us, "Photoshop blowjob magic." Still, there will always be a market for this kind of digital artistry, and as the picture wound its way around the web, Hilton's camp became increasingly unamused, ultimately prompting a well-reasoned denial from warhorse flack Elliot Mintz: