Like all real Americans, Texas' Republican Gov. Rick Perry hates government bailouts. He even started a petition called "No Government Bailouts"! So it's awkward that his state balanced its budget almost entirely thanks to the federal government's stimulus program.

You know who didn't do too badly last year? Pirates, who hauled in an average $5.4 million per ransom.

We're just one week into the New Year and guess what? We have our first bank failure! The First Commercial Bank of Florida was closed by the FDIC on Friday, and it will only cost $78 million. Not bad.

Paul Volcker, President Obama's inhumanly tall economic adviser, has decided to leave the White House.

The House of Representatives just approved the $858 billion tax package brokered between Republicans and President Obama! How will Americans in the lowest, highest, and median income brackets be spending that money? We break it down in a handy chart.

Moody's, the global credit rating scam agency, dropped Ireland's government bond rating five notches today from "Aa2" to "Baa1," which isn't good (at all)! Greece and Spain could soon feel the Moody's hammer, too. Sucks to be them!

Just in time for Christmas, Boca Raton's Town Center Mall today will unveil a new gold ATM machine! It's a great idea because "gold has a place in everyone's portfolio," according to a Florida gold trader. Gold To Go!

"Greed, greed, and more fucking greed." We've all heard the schpiel about how we got into this economic mess plenty of times (maybe not enough), but have you heard it from a true Irishman, accent and all? Now you have.

Don't worry, millionaires! Thanks to our broken government, you will likely get those insane and irresponsible tax cuts extended.

Remember TARP, the $700 billion bank bailout? Turns out it'll cost "only" $25 billion. That counts as a success! Hooray!

[A young (and probably unemployed) surfer walks past a closed train station in Lisbon as workers in Portugal went on strike to protest the government's austerity measures there. Image via AP]

Have you heard? Wall Street is getting its swagger back! But while this is obviously great news, it's been a long time since finance guys turned their swag on. So we've assembled a guide to help them!

Today's minimum wage, $7.25 per hour, adjusted for inflation is lower than it was in 1968.

A new study found that the economy is causing stress in 75 percent of New Yorkers—highest in the country. Other stresses include "health issues, housing costs and personal safety." What they're not stressed about: finding good Thai food.

Glenn Beck can always be counted on to take metaphors way too far. Today, in order to expose evil, liberal "puppet-master" George Soros, he puts on his own puppet show. Glenn Beck, the next great thespian of our times?

Tonight, President Obama sat down for a 30-minute Daily Show interview with Jon Stewart. Much was discussed! There was talk of the economy, health care reform, midterm elections, and more—a few pretty tense moments, too. Video highlights, inside.

The unemployment rate held steady at 9.6% last month, while the economy added 64,000 private sector jobs and cut 160,000 public sector jobs. This was "far worse" than economists had been predicting, but it sounds about right.

That $700 billion bank bailout? Looks like it'll end up costing us "only" $50 billion.

Glenn Beck has been lambasted for being a Goldline huckster. But for the fourth straight day in world markets, the price of gold has broken previous records, trading at $1,313.45 per ounce. A weaker dollar means a richer Beck!

Yesterday, President Obama held a town hall meeting and was blindsided by an "exhausted" woman. Tonight, Jon Stewart revisited the unexpected smackdown. Then, Stewart gave one of his own when he pointed out all of Obama's failed promises. Video inside.