It may not contain that promised footage of Angelina Jolie smoking heroin, but the rumored “drug tape” featuring the future mother-of-six has been released by a British tabloid. And while Jolie herself isn’t filmed doing any drugs, she doesn't appear to need any, as she spends a good two minutes babbling about how S&M has spiritually changed her life. As her anonymous junkie friend casually smokes heroin next to her, Angelina talks nonstop as though the shady characters huddled nearby are licensed therapists. How seeing her baby lizard left in the sun changed her life, and why she is just so tired of explaining to people that sadomasochism is not just about accessories but about healing, after the jump.

Wired ran the meth tutorial above under the headline, "Give Your Intellect A Boost — Just Say Yes To Doing The Right Drugs!" That was, like, a month ago, but the Times is now wondering if the article might, you know, give people the wrong idea about drugs. In addition to some positive words about meth, the article also praised drug Aderall and said it is "often prescribed to A.D.H.D. patients (wink, wink)," implying people should lie to their doctors to get the drug and "enhanc[e] concentration, turning mundane tasks into wondrous ones." This incident bodes well for Wired in two ways:

I...god I'm the last person on this site who should be posting gossip...singer...stuff like this but everyone else is still out at bars and I'm drunk but here is Amy Winehouse playing with eating? baby mice along with what...looks like...Pete Doherty. God I hope any of this is really true because I'm going to bed. HERE IS THE VIDEO. It got a lot of views.

Despite recent reports that rehabbed Kirsten Dunst has cleaned up her act by nabbing a good guy boyfriend in Ryan Gosling, attending AA meetings and even heading back to work, the NY Daily News hears all that sober fun came to an abrupt and predictable stop at her 26th birthday party in New York last week. As a witness claims, "The actress looked a lot worse for wear as she tumbled out to the street hours after midnight, with girlfriends gripping her arm." While sightings like these don’t exactly prove Dunst has fallen off the wagon, they do inspire us to play another game of Tipsy Face Bingo: a collection of our favorite Drunk Dunst photos of the past! All of Kirsten’s finest slip-sliding, bleary-eyed, greasy-haired moments, after the jump.

The Beatrice Inn should at least pretend a little more convincingly. The signs in the downtown nightspot warning against drugs, sex, smoking, and dancing are routinely ignored, particularly for Josh Hartnett-level celebrities. And according to a tipster, bouncers told all the patrons to extinguish their cigarettes shortly before a raid by the police last night. Two heavyset cops came in around 2 a.m. and made a beeline for the bathrooms—which are, by regulation, drug-free. Still, even the police presence didn't stop two girls from trying to conduct their nefarious business in there:

Another day, another reason to adore Cougar Queen Susan Sarandon. Sure, these quasi-shocking revelations about one of Hollywood's most respected actresses are intelligently being released just as her next film Speed Racer guns for a second place B.O. finish, but if we thought the 61-year old's new tattoo was cause for celebration, consider her recent discussion involving How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs:

Salvia: the legal drug that really works. Unlike most of the herbal fake-weed concoctions sold in the back pages of High Times, salvia is actually a powerful drug. As anyone who took one too many hits can attest. Now, New York state lawmakers are moving to ban salvia, with penalties of up to three months in jail for possession, and a year for distribution. And crazy kids have no one to blame but themselves; the state senator who proposed the ban "said he was convinced that the drug should be banned after he and his aides watched YouTube videos of people smoking salvia and having psychedelic experiences." Not so funny now, is it? Okay, it's still funny. The videos in question—which we've helpfully posted after the jump—mostly prove that salvia makes people do one thing very well: fall down.

English singer Amy Winehouse, who holds many secrets in her beehive, has been arrested for the second time in two weeks. The first time it was for headbutting some poor lady bloke who was trying to get her a cab, but this time it's for good old fashioned druggery. To her credit, she showed up to the police station of her own volition ("by appointment"), where she was questioned about a video, uncovered filmed in January, in which she can be seen smoking crack cocaine.

The DEA has arrested nearly 75 students at San Diego State University for running a drug ring selling coke, weed, and ecstasy out of four frat houses. But let's not lose sight of the real victims in this sad affair: college drug users. [NYT]

Will Nicole Richie (shocker!) ultimately wind up just like that other tabloid favorite who got knocked up a wee early and eventually morphed into a ripped pantyhose-wearing, bathtub-hopping gurney-strapped party girl? As MSNBC reports, Richie is finding herself torn between the So! Wonderful! life of motherhood and domestic bliss all those parenting magazines assure us is pure happiness, and her former profession as a full-time mischief causer:

Beatrice Inn, the "babe central" Manhattan nightspot that already cracked down on sex and drugs with a sternly worded bathroom sign, has now also banned smoking and dancing. All that's left is for them to ban pretty women and young horny celebrity guys, and they can shut down in peace! Of course, Emily Brill knew about this months ago. [DBTH]

• Things You Can't Do Coked Up—Guessing there's no book deal forthcoming. Prove me wrong, publishers!
  

While most of our knowledge regarding AA and the 12-step program comes from the druggie movies we've seen over the years (Rush, Requiem For A Dream, Herbie: Fully Loaded), we're pretty sure one of those steps is to avoid jumping into new relationships minutes after leaving rehab. But as we learned earlier this month, Kirsten Dunst's rumored fling with Ryan Gosling suggests Dunst isn't a fan of following rules. And according to today's NY Post, Dunst has some very unique and romantic ideas when it comes to taking her new man out on the town:

Angelina Jolie has come a long way from her blood vial-carrying, lesbian sex-dabbling days as Hollywood's resident bad girl, but the potential release of a tape showing Jolie snorting and smoking heroin may do some serious damage to the soon-to-be mother of six's new reputation as a much hotter version of Mother Teresa. While Jolie has openly admitted to using all kinds of drugs in her past, her alleged comments and behavior shown on the tape in question may overshadow all those Yes I've Done Drugs But Drugs Are Bad comments she's made since:

Shocking fact: in New York City, "arrests for marijuana possession began skyrocketing in the late 1990s during the Giuliani administration." Oh, and that's "a trend that continued under Mayor Michael Bloomberg," the responsible soft-spoken billionaire who's continued many of the grossest aspects of Giulinai's reign of terror, just without the blustery hardman talk. And thanks to their team effort, New York now leads the world in marijuana arrests! But you probably don't need to worry, stoner—the vast majority of these arrests were of poor black people, because when they "decriminialized" possession of small stashes in the '70s they only meant it for like college grads and other responsible types. [WCBS]

Apparently, there was an absinthe party at the Bowery Hotel last night, attended by some Gawker staffers. (Thanks for the freaking invite!) They report that they each drank a shitload of absinthe and were totally retarded, yet not drunk! Slurring words and strange thoughts were reported (our videographer Blakeley thought it perfectly logical to want to steal a car), yet: "I could still walk in a straight line," even after having "8 to 10 drinks in a 2 hour period." Their memory and ability to remember words was totally shot. Yet, no hangover occurred. They didn't feel high, exactly, yet were thinking and acting strangely. The following party pics of the event, from RandomNightOut (plus an informative History Channel vid) are not hallucinations.

Hey, does anyone watch CSI? Yeah, me neither. Well just in case you were wondering, actor Gary Dourdan, who plays the ethnic scientist/policeman, was arrested early this morning when he was found sleeping in his automobile with piles and piles of drugs. And maybe it's because he was recently fired from the show. Or was he recently fired because he was doing drugs? Or maybe it's because famous people all have a strange blood disease that requires them to snort, swallow, and smoke lots of drugs lest they die. For whatever reason, poor guy's been having a bad week. [Image via TMZ]

I have a bottle of absinthe from Germany waiting on my shelf—I was hoping to get wild after a day of, you know, bloggin'. But that's just not going to happen: boring scientists recently analyzed century-old bottles of absinthe and concluded that its alleged hallucinogenic effect isn't caused by wormwood but by plain old concentrated alcohol: "The absinthe contained about 70 percent alcohol, giving it a 140-proof kick. In comparison, most gins, vodkas and whiskeys are just 80- to 100-proof." No way, they're wrong. I just opened the bottle and I swear I totally felt something psychedelic happening. [Live Science]

"What Would NPH Do?" If we have asked ourselves that question once while staring deeply into the eyes of Neil Patrick Harris straddling a unicorn, we have asked it a thousand times. But now, the Shoe Fairy himself has agreed to provide his fans with the answer to that timeless question. Only problem is, he's not quite sure. "I can't decide between crack cocaine and Paris Hilton," he tells Time Out New York. Which is very winky and cute, but Neil shares more than second-rate stand-up bits in this piece. More on his very detailed description of "cans" (that's "boobies" in NPH-speak) and how he feels about jump-starting his comeback by snorting drugs off a strippers ass, after the jump: