Big city newspapers are always going into panic mode after receiving envelopes of white powder that turns out to be harmless. At the Caspar (Wyoming) Star-Tribune, it turned out to be cocaine:

Growing up rich is hard, what with all the money and the drugs and the famous lineages and pressure. Take, for example, Rob Sedgwick, the brother of Closer star Kyra and Warhol muse Edie's cousin.

Remember the good old days when you used to be able to pick up some ephedrine-containing medicine right off the drugstore shelf any time you needed a remedy for the sniffles, a cheap appetite suppressant, or a light stimulant? Then the crystal meth epidemic came along, and stores instituted limits on the number of boxes of Sudafed you could purchase, a move that supposedly helped curb distribution of the drug. Well, the meth bakers have prevailed: Teams of "smurfers" simply travel to different stores and buy up the meds, and the drug is once again "proliferating," say police. So if you're job hunting, you may want to add "smurfing" to the list. No, it's not quite as prestigious as law or banking. But at least you won't be stuck in a cubicle all day, right? [ABC News]

New York police have seized some "Obama"-branded heroin. Now that it's off the streets, they expect power moves from the "Palin" meth, "Biden" weed, and "McCain" Advil dealers. [The Smoking Gun]

Hope you weren't counting on rounding out your inauguration memorabilia collection with some Obama-branded smack. Earlier this week, cops in upstate New York broke up a drug ring that was selling baggies of heroin with "Obama" stamped on the glassine wrappers. Expect to hear all about Obama's nefarious ties to drug gangs on right-wing talk shows for the next week or so. [TSG]

Economy got you down? Can't afford your precious mushrooms or acid tabs anymore? Well, fear not. The keys to your next hallucinogenic high are right in front of you. In coffee! And ping-pong balls.

It's not at all surprising that New York's been rated the nation's fourth most caffeinated city—especially in light of new research which suggests that people who drink a lot of coffee are prone to delusions including hallucinations, hearing voices, and, best of all, sensing the presence of dead people. The highest caffeine consumption looked at in the study was 330 milligrams a day, which is contained in just one Grande cup of Starbucks drip coffee. So treat yourself to a couple of those today and you could forge a whole new career as the next John Edward.

SCOOP: Ben Smith has published a long work of college journalism by our new leader Barack Obama! Click through for highlights of this elitist Ivy League anti-war tract, starring Barack quoting Peter Tosh:

Love scientists, fresh off the discoveries that Axe Body Spray and liquor will help you get laid, have helpfully confirmed that "love" is simply an annoying chemical reaction. Which can now be blocked!

These are tough economic times, no doubt. Have you been tempted to make a little cash by starting up a meth lab in your apartment? Who hasn't? If you're worried that you're going to have trouble finding a pharmacy to sell you boxes Sudafed in bulk, put your worries to bed. Just make Rite Aid your first stop. [Crain's]

It's a well-known fact that in the 1980s, everyone did cocaine all the time. But how did people come down from their drug highs? In Alec Baldwin's case, sobriety arrived through destroying enormous insect aliens!

With lines like "should we just hope that teens are too broke for this weak coke," Charles M. Blow holds a mirror to society's face, week in and week out. He's dope. [Times]

Thankfully scientists, finished with curing widespread disease and prolonging life, have turned to important studies. Two new endeavors prove two shocking facts: snorting coke makes people annoying, and drunk people like to fuck.

We're nearly a decade into the new millennium. We carry miniature computers around in our pockets, smooth wrinkles with quick injections, fix poor eyesight with a 3-second laser beam, and watch TV shows about robotic beings whose lives are scripted for them. Yet the most vital scientific breakthrough of them all continues to elude mankind: When will scientists get their act together and create a pill for instant weight loss with no unpleasant side effects?

Chick lit is tired! We predict Xanax lit in 2009. In this week's Modern Love, we learn the perils of what happens when a breast-cancer patient cops an unauthorized Xanax in the waiting room before a biopsy.

Obama will make your weed legal because he models himself after FDR, a presumably stoned Esquire writer asserts.

Allies of Hiram Monserrate, who "tripped" while "'bringing' his girlfriend a 'glass' of 'water'", have the worst idea of sympathetic spin ever.

A drunk-driving "thing" will not stall former Full House child star/meth addict Jodi Sweetin's six-figure redemptive memoir with Simon & Schuster. Good to know.

Good news: the mother of Sarah Palin's daughter's boyfriend was not arrested for meth. No, Sherry Johnston was arrested for oxycontin. What wonderful communities our small towns are.

The mom of Levi Johnston—first daughter candidate Bristol Palin's uncomfortable jock boyfriend—has been arrested on drug charges. Law and order Republicans now support Obama! Because this sounds vaguely like a meth lab: