Here's a scenario: You're wanted on two active assault warrants, and you've got 19 bags of weed in your pocket that you're looking to sell. Want some advice? Don't show up to a courthouse with either of these.

Fred Wills, Jr.—chef and owner of Virginia Beach restaurant Big Daddy's: A Touch of the South—has been charged with running a cocaine and marijuana drug ring in four states, Eater.com reports.

Marijuana brownies and other edibles may carry double the jail time and double the fines thanks to a vague new law aimed at drugs "marketed or packaged to appear similar to a candy product." The U.S. Senate: Harshing your buzz.

After Lindsay Lohan is released from jail she will check into Morningside Recovery, a facility that specializes in meth and opiate detoxification, for 90 days. A "source" told TMZ that meth and opiates are her "drugs of choice." Hmm.

Did you know that Wikileaks co-founder Julian Assange is a poet? With the help of the Way Back Machine, we look into the troubled soul of a freedom fighter. In one poem, he meets a tiger in a golden meadow.

Police in California over the last three weeks have arrested 100 people and destroyed 432,000 marijuana plants worth $1.7 billion in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Perhaps they should have put it toward the state's $19 billion budget deficit. [BBC]

Many of you are probably asking yourselves: How will I make money in our jobless, dystopian future, in which the "normal" economy is dead? The answer: gambling, drugs, and cigarettes. Everything old is new again! For now.

Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern is going to be profiled on Nightline tonight (barring breaking news, etc.), and apparently he discusses his history of drug abuse with host John Berman in pretty graphic detail.

Hey, your Congress did something today! The House passed a bill (already passed by the Senate) to reduce a relic of '80s-style freak-out legislation: reducing the massive disparity between powder and crack cocaine prison sentences.

Playboy's safe-for-work blog The Smoking Jacket has finally found its niche: lazy, amoral deadbeat dads. Headline from the site's first-ever Deadbeat Dad column: "How to Use Your Two-Year-Old Child As a Drug Mule." Sounds promising!

How did these stay under wraps so long? This week Star magazine unveils "eight never-before-seen graphic photos" taken by an old Angelina Jolie drug buddy. She wears tape on her nipples, a dog leash, and smokes heroin. Updated with pics!

Oakland's massive legal marijuana farms have been officially approved. What's more American than farming?

A study in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology says the same part of the brain that deals with romantic rejection also handles cocaine addiction. Now there's a scientific explanation for stalking! [NYDN]

A study released today in the Journal of Pediatrics says that giving children drugs to shut up is child abuse, and motives include "overwhelmed parents looking for a break, amusement or punishment." Amusement? Ha! Look, my kid's on Oxys! [CNN]

Hearing a thud on his roof, a resident of Caddo Mills, Texas investigated and found a 100-lb. bag of marijuana had fallen from the sky. Turns out a low-flying airplane dropped four bags before being abandoned in a nearby field.

In a bid to reassert itself as the dominant force in American life, Capitalism today announced that it plans to immediately counteract the coolness of the legalization of medical marijuana by poisoning it with the awfulness of factory farming.

Alleged drug lord Jose Figueroa Agosto was arrested yesterday in Puerto Rico, ending a 10-year manhunt and, like fellow smuggler Christopher "Dudus" Coke, Figueroa was arrested wearing a wig. He previously escaped from prison four years into a 209-year sentence.

A 30-year-old Florida man, Matthew Magnus, was arrested last week for unleashing his self-described "biggest penis in the world" on a crowd of adults and children several times. Police found him in his apartment surrounded by dog shit and cocaine.

Two greyhound-racing Floridians are in trouble after their dogs' urine tested positive for cocaine. (Maybe that explains why they're so skinny?) Officials knew trouble was afoot when the dogs won by a nose. [CBS4, Fark, image via AP]

Here is a news broadcast from the future about "i-dosing," a thing the kids are doing with their computers. They are downloading "digital drugs" which are basically noises that get them high. Kids are feeling strange sensations! Somebody stop them!!