Allen "Mini-Madoff" Stanford, the crooked Texas financier charged with ripping investors off for billions, already had his head smashed in jail; now, he's being sent to detox to come down from his 3 mg/ day klonopin prescription. That's a lot.

Here's a video of an off-duty St. Louis police officer beating and pepper-spraying a man at a gas station. ("It looks bad," says the mayor.) Elsewhere, a study is questioning whether drug-sniffing dogs even work. Is probable cause dead?

Atlanta coke rapper Gucci Mane, last seen being pepper sprayed by cops after fighting someone in a parking lot shortly after his latest jail stint, has been ordered to a "psychiatric and chemical dependency treatment facility." Get well soon, Mane.

Courage theories! Sea drugs! Self-doubt conquering! Multi-species jet lag! True hair colors! The fattest place on earth! Dumb babies! And rovers that just won't quit! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—while "doing the robot," with words!

Fat babies! European fake cigarettes! Brain-blaming! Japan-tic Chantix antics! Yoga boozing! Cancer tests! Druggy weight loss drugs! And dumb god anger! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while ordering toddlers to assume the push-up position!

According to stats compiled by the New York Post, there were 121 disciplinary drug busts at uptown nerdfest Columbia last year, compared to 610 at artfag haven NYU. Do NYU kids do more drugs? Possibly. Or, security are just dicks.

Mexico's La Familia drug cartel has declared a one-month truce to prove they're actually the good guys.

On Christmas Day, a Chicago cab driver picked up 25-year-old Joseph Hoffman. When they arrived at Hoffman's destination, he was passed out cold. The driver eventually called police, who found a mobile meth lab and other drugs worth $450,000.

Technically, this qualifies as a DUI. While getting his wisdom teeth removed, this driving fan kicks his imaginary car into overdrive, accompanying his pedal and gear motions with amusing engine sounds. His YouTube username is CarAficionado24.

Agents from the Drug Enforcement Administration yesterday crushed the New Year's Eve plans of many New Yorkers when they busted two men who arrived on a flight from Puerto Rico with 92 pounds of cocaine in their luggage. Bummer. [NYP]

An article in Pharmaceutical Journal claims that "reindeer deliberately seek out the mind-bending fungi to escape the monotony of dreary, long winters." Herdsmen then drink their pee to get a secondary high. Explains all that flying, doesn't it? [Sun, via]

Every act of celebrity self-destruction has an equal but opposite act of fameball creation. O.J. gave us Kato Kaelin; Tiger's sex addiction unleashed an army of porn stars. And now, meet Miley Cyrus's bong-ripping foil: self-proclaimed spotlight seeker Rachael Moran.

Whatever happened to the culture warriors? Everyone is either a gay soldier or a black president nowadays. Or perhaps even a pot decriminalizing televangelist? This is old Pat Robertson, now. Pat Robertson is sick of the War on Marijuana.

Over the past decade, the percentage of college students visiting school counseling centers who are "coping with serious mental illness" has more than doubled. What's happening here? Better legal psychiatric drugs? Worse illegal hallucinogenic drugs? Psht. We blame Wal-Mart.

Advice: Don't run red lights at 4am with 513 pounds of weed in your minivan.

Staph inequality! DNA play okay! Probiotic neurotics! Supplement spikers! Sickening food! Fearless women! Caffeine kids! Young anorexics! And heart disease news for the old-person demographic! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a little something extra!

Here's a video of some guy in a Santa suit—he's thin, so obviously it's not the real Santa—dancing to himself on the side of a road. Why? Nobody knows. Who's filming him? Who cares! Come jam along, inside.

Vitamin sleep! Radiation babies! Sugar cereal! Fat Scots! Hotel workouts! Soda tax! Alzheimer's explanations! And the war on drugs pays off! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—if you can call it that!

[Italian PM and hooker connoisseur Silvio Berlusconi talks on a cell phone during his confidence vote in the Italian Senate today, which he somehow survived. Image via AP]

On tonight's Factor, Bill O'Reilly gave a "Reality Check" to bong-hitting Miley Cyrus regarding a video that surfaced last week showing the teen star smoking the hallucinogen salvia. O'Reilly's assessment of Cyrus' behavior? "Pathetic." Watch him chew her out, inside.