Good news: Uncle Sam's terrorist-watchin' lawmen would like a database that shows the whereabouts of every car with a license plate that's recently been scanned by a government tag reader. Does that freak you out? Here's better news: They want a private contractor to run it.

How dangerously would you drive your car, just to get a baby to make this face? How many laws would you break?

Want to do something patriotic? Want to show your national spirit? Want to help the economy, by contributing to the coffers of a speculative private investment firm? Drive more. Wall Street is depending on you.

According to a new report released Thursday, The Traffic Injury Research Foundation (TIRF) reports that female DUI arrests have risen 28.8% between 1998 and 2007. In 2011, FBI statistics show that nearly 25% of drunk drivers arrested in the United States were women, whereas in 1980 that number was just 9.8%.

You'd think that if you worked more than 80 hours a week and somebody came to you and said, "Hey buddy, I only want you to work 70 hours a week now," you'd be happy as a clam. Unless you were a long-haul trucker. Never satisfied, these guys.

In a shocking twist where rules apply, the Los Angeles Times reports that charismatic hero Chris Brown has been charged with a hit-and-run and driving without a license following an investigation of a fender-bender last month. Both crimes are misdemeanors punishable by a maximum six-month jail sentence.

Welcome back to What's Hot and New with the Kidz, a recurring feature brought to you by the New York Times, a Montessori-school newsletter devoted to understanding the hot and new mindset of contemporary Kidz. Today's focus: Why won't my Millennial drive?

Sometimes you have to wonder why kids these days are so fucked up. You know who I blame? I'll tell you: I blame the parents. Where do you think kids learned how to be fucked up? From you, okay? They learned it by watching you.

Europe, an expensive overseas cooking school populated by pussies, is still busy finding ever more outrageous ways to offend American sensibilities. First, it was the whole WWII thing, which we had to go straighten out ourselves. Then there was Monty Python. (Was he making fun of us? I think he was making fun of us.) And now, these Eurotrash types are too good to buy cars, all of a sudden.

Black and Latino kids are less likely than white kids to wear seatbelts. "Excellent."- Karl Rove, looking ahead to 2032.

Teenage boys have long been stigmatized as riskier drivers than teenage girls. Twenty years ago, they paid double the insurance premium of their female counterparts. Now the danger (and insurance premium) gap is closing, as young divas emerge from their shells like beautiful Botticellian Venuses, texting and sexting and working that radio while driving like the boys used to do. The result: today young men's insurance premiums are only about 25 percent more than young women's. (Women also make 77 cents to men's dollar.)

Google has just released video of its self-driving car (possible Transformer?) helping a legally blind man run some errands. It's much less scary than the last nerve-wracking footage of Google's self-driving car, even though it does feature a trip to the humid lair of the Doritos Locos Taco.

Yeah, yeah, who wants to buckle up in a cab? Most of us are content to slide around in the back and hope for the best. But you may want to reexamine that policy: the NY Daily News offers the story of Jane Lee, a woman who had to get 50 stitches after her face smashed into the cab partition during an accident.

Here's some news relevant to all you reading this article on your iPad while simultaneously texting your spouse and driving 90 mph on the interstate. The National Transportation Safety Board has voted to recommend banning the use of all cell phones—even hands-free ones!—while driving.

Good news! Drunk driving is down 30% over the last five years. Bad news! It's probably because we're all too broke to leave the house. Instead of wasting precious fuel to drive to bars and pay $4 for Bud Light, we're staying home with the lights off, drinking homemade prune wine, and sniffing kerosene. Apparently the way you'll know the economy is moving again is when you get T-Boned by a black-out drunk in a '70s Pontiac.

There are so many reasons to have kids! One of the not-great reasons is the best is probably "so you have someone to drive when you're wasted." Like Billy Joe Madden, who slept off a bender while his 8-year-old son drove his truck. On a highway. From Mississippi to Dallas.

This morning, down in the desert deeps of El Paso, a 5-year-old child was found, at 1 am, behind the wheel of his mother's minivan after driving it into a pole. The boy tried to flee the scene but was caught. His intended destination? Candy.

Football brain! Marijuana narcs! Mosquito booze! Grandparents driving! Children sleeping! Teens drinking! Pediatricians lecturing! Big forks! And killer homemade drinks that kill! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no-nonsensically!

Women: can we talk about your flaws, for once? I mean really. Hey, how about the way women drive? Have you seen this? Totally outta control. Science, can I get some backup here?

Horrible news for all of you criminals who already have Two Strikes and would really, really prefer not to get a third: the Supreme Court ruled yesterday that fleeing the police in a car is, by definition, a "violent felony."