Jeremy Piven quit his Broadway show three months early because of an overexposure to mercury. Sounds serious! And fake! So who's treating him? A celebrity doctor with a shady past named Carlon Colker.

Say hello to Dr. Robert Glatter. According to the Post, he's the emergency room doctor known around town as "the official doctor of the city's 'fashion bitches' such as Elie and Rory Tahari, Diane von Furstenberg, Devi Kroell and the cast of Gossip Girl." (We're not too familiar with HIPAA regulations, but we're pretty sure that calling your patients "fashion bitches" is a no-no.) Anyway, it seems answering Diane's late-night phone calls isn't Dr. Glatter's ultimate goal. The PR-seeking doc—he has Karine Bakhoum on retainer—recently started up a company called Dr. 911, which is providing medical services to the residents of a few ultra-luxe buildings like 40 Bond and 15 Central Park West.

It's not clear which is the greater mystery: Why women flock to dermatologist-to-the-stars Fredric Brandt when his wildly askew aesthetic judgment is displayed on his smooth, shiny visage for all the world to see, or why the good doctor himself chooses to ignore the evidence of his own mirror to self-administer amounts of botox and fillers that, he admits, would require a payment plan were he not getting them at cost. As a journalist discovers when she spends a day at Brandt's East 34th Street clinic, these are not questions that trouble the patients—27 in a typical 10-hour day—who joyfully submit to multiple injections, lasers, and Brandt's more-is-better attitude.

Pfizer went through a huge hassle earlier this year when some touchy public health types pointed out that the company's main spokesman for the cholesterol drug Lipitor—artificial heart inventor and Skeletor look-alike Robert Jarvik—was not actually a doctor, although the whole $250 million ad campaign was premised on him touting his medical expertise. So the company has regrouped and come up with a dynamic new spokesman: a regular guy, just like you! Which goes to show how unnecessary the Jarvik fiasco was. If the company had gone with either "regular guy" or "actual doctor" in the first place, it could have saved itself millions in marketing costs and months of downtime in this multibillion-dollar fight for worldwide drug supremacy. But why not live on the edge? After the jump, soak in the misleading-ness of an old ad featuring the non-practicing Dr. Jarvik:

It's no longer cool being a banker—at least as far as real estate developers are concerned. While Wall Streeters might be reluctant to spend big on an apartment during this economic downtown, doctors don't seem to share their concerns—"people are always getting sick"—and so now developers and brokers are focusing their attention on physicians. A bunch of MDs aren't going to be able to save the entire Manhattan real estate market on their own, of course, especially since many of them are "quite a bit more conservative" than the young Wall Street turks who used to plunk down eight-figure sums for sprawling lofts about as quickly as they'd drop $500 on a $29 bottle of vodka at a Marquee. But newly-unemployed bankers who miss the old days needn't dispair. Just ace the MCATs, go through four years of medical school and another four years of residency, and your broker may start returning your calls again.

If you ever selected a plastic surgeon or LASIK doctor based on a random YouTube video, it's probably apt that that video only happened as a result of an under-the-table payment and the doctor was really incompetent and now you walk around blind and ugly. But what about the victims of the future? Plenty of doctors have gone right ahead and offered patients rebates or huge discounts in exchange for posting glowing videos about their procedures online, although something like that would be patently unethical in the "regular" media. Docs are like, "Huh, rules, really? I just thought it would be nice!" Patients are like, "Sweet, cheap surgery!" The loser is you, the affluent, narcissistic consumer. A couple of typical videos are after the jump; just because "a famous celebrity (name undisclosed for privacy)" gets LASIK from Dr. Feinerman doesn't mean you have to, too:

Did you hear about the Manhattan doctor accused of sexual harassment who fired back against his accusers, alleging they'd "corrupted" his good name by linking him to various porn sites? A judge threw out his claim that he had an "incurable Internet disease." Maybe that's because when you Google "Arden Kaisman," nothing really raunchy comes up? [NYP]

Because some stories are nothing but blatant cries for condemnation, we're going to allow our disgust to swing around 180 degrees so that we support this idea: A Park Avenue plastic surgeon is offering a $500,000 package deal that includes a summer house rental in the Hamptons, and all the plastic surgery you want! "Within reason," of course. He's also throwing in a chauffeur, personal chef, and a nurse to tend to the surgically wounded. And tickets to the hottest parties, to show off your healing scars! This development is... a good thing.

Andrew Klapper, a New York plastic surgeon, applied for membership in Soho House, the private Meatpacking District club. But he was turned down, because Soho House said it prefers to cater "to an 'artsy' clientele." Uh, pretty loose definition of "artsy," Soho House! The membership manager there said "We would rather have a great person from IMG versus a plastic surgeon." Perhaps they're looking for a new angle; spies have said the club has been rather dead on recent weekends. (Disagree? Email us). Doree Shafrir once memorably said the club's pool "when not filled with children and their pee, is filled with money managers, mortgage brokers, and Eurotrash." Which sounds like a fairly accurate representation. And how can they say Dr. Klapper isn't artistic when he not only invented the Klapper Breast Scissors, but also pioneered the use of the Davinci (artist name!) Robot system?: