PHILADELPHIA — Earlier today, the DNC’S Rural Council met to discuss the impact of Democratic policies on our country’s farmers and, more importantly, to brutally own noted city boy Donald Trump.

Last night, after Wall Street teat-sucker Cory Booker repeatedly quoted Maya Angelou in a speech that openly railed against “individualism,” Donald Trump sent out a curious tweet:

[UPDATE: The original version of this post cited the tweet as real. It’s not, it’s fake as hell.] On Monday, Demi Lovato opened the Democratic National Convention with a speech and a song. Apart from this one guy going nuts in the front row, many attendees seemed... unsure what they were listening to.

I was sitting eating a bland Panera sandwich, at the decidedly bland corner of Arch and Twelfth Streets in Center City Philadelphia, when I spotted a row of familiar red berets out the window. The Guardian Angels are in town!

On Friday, WikiLeaks published some 20,000 emails copied from the Democratic National Committee’s internal servers. Among them are a number of emails between DNC staffers and reporters. One of those reporters...is me.

PHILADELPHIA — America’s political conventions should last for two days each at the very most. And they should happen in the fall.

PHILADELPHIA — Thus far, the Democratic National Convention has been many things: scorching, plagued by scandal, a logistical nightmare. But now, after just over 24 hours in Philly, I can add one more thing to this ever-growing list: An willful affront to Pokémon Go players everywhere.

PHILADELPHIA — On the second night of the Republican National Convention, actor Scott Baio took the stage. These days, the once-ubiquitous Baio may enjoy some relative anonymity, but he was still the highest-wattage star the RNC could cajole on-air, and even that was a depressing accident—Baio later told reporters he was offhandedly invited after bumping into Donald Trump at an event. The DNC, which rolled into Philly on Monday with more celebrities than it knows what do to with, does not have this problem.

PHILADELPHIA—It was hot yesterday, and across the street from the Wells Fargo Center, where hundreds of Bernie Sanders supporters had congregated to protest the Democratic National Convention happening inside, one could hear occasional horns and chanted slogans: “Bernie beats Trump,” “Bigots go home,” “Hell no, DNC/We won’t vote for Hillary.” One demonstrator’s sign depicted “Hillary Klingon, the neocon war candidate,” complete with photoshopped forehead ridges, and another had the phrase “BETRAYED US” scrawled under Sanders’s name, in reference to a speech he’d given in support of Clinton earlier in the day. We were not, in other words, in Clintonland.

“And the sign says, you gotta have a membership card to get inside. Uh!” -Tesla

PHILADELPHIA — Welcome to the first night of the Democratic National Convention, where we’ll be coming to you live from the disgusting, 200-degree little plot of land in hell that is Philly. Tonight we’re in for a special treat: Bernie Sanders will be taking the stage. And if god cares about the media at all, Bernie Sanders is going to give us a coup.

PHILADELPHIA — It’s the first night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention, and the Wells Fargo Center is about to be filled with the words of such great speakers as Senator Bernie Sanders, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Senator Elizabeth Warren. But first—Demi Lovato.

PHILADELPHIA — All the Democrats had to do was have an uneventful, competently run convention. That’s it. Just four days where nothing horrible and embarrassing happened, with no ridiculous organizational fuckups or humiliating own goals.

The Democratic National Committee has offered a “deep and sincere apology” to Senator Bernie Sanders, his supporters, and the Democratic Party for “inexcusable remarks” made by staffers over email. WikiLeaks released approximately 20,000 emails copied from the DNC’s internal servers on Friday.

Have you ever wondered what all the dankest memes from your Facebook feed would look like in human form? Then man, do I have just the protest for you. Welcome to the first of several pro-Bernie Sanders rallies at the DNC. It’s the internet come to life and it smells like Dr. Bronner’s.

This afternoon in Philadelphia, Bernie Sanders spoke to supporters in advance of this week’s Democratic Convention. During his speech he doubled down on his Hillary Clinton endorsement, telling the gathered crowd that not only must Donald Trump be defeated, he must be defeated by voting for Clinton and her new running mate Tim Kaine.

You may recall that in early May, as part of an ill-advised attempt to give him a taste of his own medicine after calling Hillary Clinton “crooked Hillary,” Democratic party operatives and Clinton herself began referring to Donald Trump as “Dangerous Donald.” The epithet—if you can even call it one—was met with ridicule almost immediately, and, according to leaked emails, the DNC noticed.

PHILADELPHIA — Welcome to the city of brotherly love; the land of the free and the home of the swag. Here’s all the junk journalists get upon checking in to the convention.