Yesterday, Madonna experienced the great modern celebrity rite of passage into the illusion of tech-savvy by participating in an Ask Me Anything on Reddit. She was often very sassy. She answered "send photo" over half a dozen times. In lowercase with sparing punctuation, she was just revealing enough to remain worth reading. She spoke of a dream in which, "Brad Pitt and I were living together and there was a small blonde child in the bed." She added, "Sorry Angelina, it was only a dream." Later she said that this made her laugh.

Earlier today, Lady Gaga graced the stage of Good Morning America to perform a Wizard of Oz-styled spin on "Applause," complete with several costume changes. (This era, she's really intent on wowing us with how many times she can change her costumes in one song, and I will admit that it is a nice distraction from the actual song.) During some down time, she supposedly talked to her attending "Little Monsters" about part-time rapper, full-time Twitter troll Azealia Banks. Banks was once rumored to appear on Gaga's upcoming ARTPOP album. Banks also recently attacked Gaga on Twitter for adopting and advocating a mermaid-inspired style, as Banks has also done. "Hey! No fair! You stole my mermaid style!" is an argument an actual 22-year-old woman made to another grown woman.

Celine Dion sat on Jimmy Kimmel's couch for two (two!) whole segments last night (and then later performed her new single). She wasn't as goofy as one might expect, though sometimes hilarious regardless — Kimmel pointed out that the titular command of her new song "Love Me Back to Life" is technically impossible to pull off, but Dion vehemently disagreed, citing the scenario of a bunch of people praying around a hospital bed while someone was in a coma as an example of loving someone back to life. For Celine, all drama is melodrama. Life is but a soap opera.

Celine Dion is now on Twitter. Now let's see just how amazing she really is.

Last week, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga released the first singles of their respective upcoming albums, Prism and (my fingers groan a little bit louder with old age every time I type this) ARTPOP. The ensuing battle to the top of the charts was like a taste test between a Saltine and a Saltine piled with sprinkles, truffle oil, caviar, gold flakes, Madonna's post-True Blue eyebrow pluckings, and lead paint chips from the walls of Andy Warhol's Factory. Both songs are meta-noise — Perry's reggae-lite "Roar" is about working up the nerve to cause a ruckus ("I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR"), while Gaga's aggressively ugly "Applause" is about having the nerve to declare how life-affirming ruckus directed at you can be ("I live for the applause, applause, applause"). If you play "Roar" and "Applause" simultaneously on stereos facing each other, the songs solve each other while opening up a black hole of infinite vacuousness.

Tired of trying to imagine what it would be like if Bonnie Tyler's classic '80s power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart" were sung by 19 other divas, including Adele, Cher, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Kristin Chenoweth, and Julie Andrews?

If you were an eternally 12-year-old pop star with a #Beautiful shoulder injury, what would your sling be made of? Feathers and studs and candy bling and bliss and white magic and faeries' eyelashes and unicorn hides.

Multi-genre dance producer Diplo's typically loose lips have suggested that Beyoncé has scrapped work she's done on her upcoming album, the creation of which she's been talking about forever (or at least, since January). "Fuckin' thing sucks!" is how I like to imagine King Bey regarding this rejected body of work, but the truth is that she's probably just nodding and grinning serenely about it.

Mariah Carey's expert blend of blasé drama queeniness is on full display in the YouTube above. In it, she is wheeled out of the hospital after being treated for the dislocated shoulder and cracked rib she suffered after taking a tumble on the set of her "#Beautiful" remix video. "Well, that was fun," says a be-slinged Mimi, who is of course wearing a gown and full makeup. She then describes the experience as "harrowing" in the same inconvenienced-and-loving-it tone. Then she mumbles something about going back to the video set and professionals, thanks someone while grasping his or her hand like a weird old lady during the "Peace be with you" part of mass, and air kisses someone else. She may be doped up. She may be a living Humane Society cash-register donation bank with those sad puppy eyes.

Mariah Carey dislocated her shoulder Sunday on the set of the video for her "#Beautiful" hip-hop remix. She's OK, but her bedazzled sling is fabulous, dahhling.

Cher performed on live television for the first time in over 10 years on Tuesday night's live finale of The Voice. She moaned over a backing track on her comeback single...blah blah blah...the real story was her wig. Sorry, wigs.

After flirting with Twitter last year, it seems that Madonna has decided to give herself over to Instagram. On Saturday, she posted an image of herself peering over a martini glass with the caption "Cheers motherfuckers! I'm on instagram." She looks severe and soul-hungry, like Mr. Burns in a blonde wig with bangs.

When Michael Jackson died, people clamored to determine the rightful heir to the King of Pop. None of the contemporary young male singers batted around – Usher, Ne-Yo, certainly not Chris Brown (despite his mother's grandiose claims) — satisfactorily fit the bill. Talent abounds, but none of these guys quite has MJ's levels of musical virtuosity, fascinating eccentricity and the ability to package them in appropriately surreal performance. Granted, the search seemed doomed, as the entire angle of Michael Jackson's celebrity was that there was only one of him. But now it is clear that by turning to men (and men-children), we were looking in the wrong place: the heir to Michael Jackson's throne is none other than King B.

Some went through the stages of grief when word emerged that Beyoncé lip-synched "The Star Spangled Banner" at Monday's Presidential Inauguration. Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul and Saying Weird Things in Public from Time to Time (remember the Kathie Lee beef of 2012?), however, was tickled by the news and may emulate Beyoncé going forward. Or something. Franklin told ABCNews.com that she thought King Bey "did a beautiful job," adding (and here's the weird part):

Here are two contextual ways to view Justin Timberlake's subdued "Suit & Tie," the first single from his upcoming 20/20 Experience album (his first since 2007's FutureSex/LoveSounds):

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your sympathies: when Mariah Carey was 19, someone (probably Tommy Mottola) drilled into her head that her left side is her "bad side." She has struggled with this affliction of knowledge ever since. She said she was doing better with it ("I don't care anymore," she lied in 2009), but then someone went and put her on the right in this setup for an American Idol promo interview on Wednesday.

"How can so much fucking crazy be contained within a two-page interview?"

Dolly Parton says implants don't age: "My girls are doing pretty good." Now you know.

The solid fifth album from people's diva, Keyshia Cole, Woman to Woman, is out this week and this song is its second single. She's singing her ass off, selling the cliché with the urgency of someone who has collection agencies on the other line. In another era, this would be a huge crossover smash — if not Cole's signature song, it would at least become her "I Have Nothing." Could still happen (anything is possible), but the chances of this going on to be a singing-competition staple are slight. Anthem ballads just don't sell like they used to. Prove me wrong, universe! Please.

Christina Aguilera and Lana Del Rey both released collections of new music this week. Neither artist is a great diva in the neo-classic, pop sense of the word, but both have potential. To evaluate their diva status, I will shamelessly crib a comparative schism that Tyra Banks has routinely used on America's Next Top Model: each of them has what the other does not.