Trained Blackwater assassination squads will probably track us down and liquidate us for this but the people need to know: Dick Cheney has Gulf War-themed Russian nesting dolls painted to look like members of George H. W. Bush's administration.

As part of Dick Cheney's secret program to conduct political assassinations, the CIA hired Blackwater, the shady group of Christian vigilantes for hire whose founder was recently implicated in a murder, to assist in the operation. [New York Times]

Recently it came to light that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush aren't exactly chums. Now the full extent of the contempt Cheney developed for what he saw as Bush's lack of resolve is being exposed, and it's ugly.

Jessica Simpson's breakup was caused by her idolatry of a plastic toy. Amy Winehouse has fun adventures with a private dick. Lindsay Lohan's employed, Saved By The Bell, Charles Manson, Mary Cheney, and more. Here's your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Time has a great piece out today on the last days of the George W. Bush presidency, focusing on the nasty infighting between Bush and Dick Cheney over Bush's unwillingness to pardon Scooter Libby on his way out the door.

That dang Seymour Hersh. The New Yorker scribe is always running saying crazy things to scare the bejesus out of us and, unfortunately, he's always right. Just like when he mentioned that Dick Cheney was running a CIA "death squad."

Wow. The New York Times has two sources reporting: C.I.A. director Leon E. Panetta's been testifying to Congress that Dick Cheney ordered the C.I.A. to withhold information regarding a secret counter-terrorism project. And just how sketchy is this Dick?

Unlike former Presidents, former Vice Presidents don't get Secret Service protection. (No one's ever gonna take a shot at Quayle.) Except one! A certain mean old man still gets a taxpayer-funded security detail.

The rollicking jalopy of dung that is the Sarah Palin traveling clown-show is still rolling along, so let's recap the latest—There's a new ethics complaint, career consultations with Cheney and Giuliani, and Hitler being pissed about her quitting.

It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Or gay or straight. What matters is that you're single, and the happy couples of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT aren't. Professional P.Y.T. Phyllis Nefler's on the case:

• New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson "isn't happy with the media." She'd also like to make it clear that the company is not currently up for sale, so please put your dollar bills back in your wallet, thank you very much. [MW]
• Ten movies will compete for Best Picture at the Oscars now, not 5. [THR]
• Sad: Dick Cheney landed a $2 million deal to publish his memoir. [NYT]
• Also sad: MSNBC, the illustrious home of blowhard Keith Olbermann, seems to think its tired prison docs are more important than covering Iran. [LAT]
• Director David Fincher is in talks to make a movie about Facebook. [Reuters]
• The always classy In Touch spent $75,000 to purchase photos of Kate Gosselin spanking her kids in public for its cover last week. [WWD, NYP]

Well here's 2011's must-have beach read—Dick Cheney has signed a deal to write a memoir for Simon & Schuster's Threshold Editions, the company's conservative imprint which recently published books by Lynne Cheney, Glenn Beck and Mark Levin.

Brad Graham has a book out Tuesday on Donald Rumsfeld titled, By His Own Rules: The Story of Donald Rumsfeld. In an excerpt from the book in this week's Time, Rumsfeld blames the liberal media for cultivating his poor image.

Well, here's a little story that might impact the debate over the effectiveness of torture—Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the guy who organized the 9/11 attacks, says that he lied and provided false information to interrogators to escape being tortured.

This week's New Yorker features a 7600 word profile of Leon Panetta, Obama's choice to lead the CIA. Most notable among those 7600 words: Panetta's been wondering the same thing many have about the depths of Dick Cheney's dark soul.

Dick Cheney, the least likable humanoid creature both on the planet and deep below its surface, where he came from, wants to write a book. He would like $2 million for it, thank you. It's worth it, though! His last book was totally awesome!

Our favorite part of the way the cable news nets are hyping Barack Obama and Dick Cheney's "dueling" national security speeches? The super-sized all-caps crawl that Fox News broke out during Obama's speech: "AHEAD: VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY REMARKS ON TERROR & SECURITY." What no exclamation marks?

So the GOP "strategy" was to have vaguely well-regarded party members attack hated Dems like Pelosi, as Newt is doing. It was not to have their most hated representative attack the very popular president.

For the love of God can the Obama White House please assign someone to keep a 24-hour watch on vice-president Joe Biden to insure that he doesn't get out without his muzzle on ever again?!

Have you noticed how Dick Cheney is just all over the place lately?