Statistics being what they are, every homophobic politician must have a gay loved one hiding somewhere. Dick Cheney has Mary. Alan Keyes has Maya. And Christine O'Donnell, Tea Party Queen of Delaware, has a lesbian sister in L.A.

Evil monster Dick Cheney has obtained "a new heart device," for his real heart is dead.

Fox News analyst and frequent Glenn Beck fill-in, Andrew Napolitano, recently went on CSPAN for an interview with Ralph Nader and said that George Bush and Dick Cheney should have been indicted "for torturing, for spying, for arresting without warrants."

Dick Cheney has been released from his most recent hospital stay, alive.

Crooked old Charlie Rangel is running for reelection. And he compared Barack Obama to Dick Cheney.

Anne Womack-Kolton is either the best PR person in the biz, or an evil demon. (Both?) Having served as the Cheney-monster's press secretary during the 2004 election, Womack-Kolton has been tapped by the petrol concern to spin their mess. She-Devil!!!!

It's been one month since the Deepwater Horizon oil rig blew up, and oil is still leaking at an astonishing rate. Entire state economies might be crushed, and whole ecosystems wiped out. So whose fault is it?

Crazy Senator Jim Bunning is retiring. The Republicans selected normal Republican guy Trey Grayson to replace him. But crazy Ron Paul's son Rand (yes, Rand) Paul is also running, and he's kicking Grayson's ass. Time to call in Cheney.

Dick Cheney's speaking fees: "As of last year, Dick Cheney commanded $75,000, plus first-class travel for an entourage of three. Liz Cheney gets $20,000 plus travel for one." Well, that's still less than Gore. And Paris Hilton.

Dick Cheney's office has confirmed that it was a "mild heart attack" that sent the former vice president to George Washington University Hospital complaining of chest pains yesterday. So it's officially his fifth heart attack since turning 37. But he "is feeling good," expected to leave the hospital in the next couple of days and CNN's tele-doctor Sanjay Gupta is encouraged, remotely, by his progress.

Doctors are evaluating Dick Cheney after the former vice president experienced chest pains and was sent to George Washington University, where doctors reportedly gave him an angiogram to examine his coronary arteries. Cheney is "stable" and "resting comfortably," according to doctors and family members quoted by NBC News, but may need additional treatment tomorrow.

Matthews is one of the nation's chief practitioners of the narrative-constructing outrage-bait political journalism that Politico has perfected into a foul art, and he is one of the nation's chief distributors of its wares. In fact, he already knew the answer to his questions: It was provided by Newsweek's Mike Isikoff, who was a Hardball guest on December 30, when Matthews previewed his irritation with the Politico-Cheney axis:

America's most hated political figure, former Vice President Dick Cheney, has inserted himself into the news again. He said something about Obama, and terror. That has been a wonderful 2009 trend, reporting on what Cheney mumbles.

According to Pew, 50% of Americans polled have a generally negative view of the decade that is currently limping to its miserable end. Dick Cheney left office with only 44% of people viewing him "unfavorably."

At 42% poor ol' Joe is worse off than Al Gore, a man who bored people so much, they voted for George W. Bush instead. In fact, he can't even measure up to his predecessor Dick Cheney, a man who took polls very seriously indeed.

Today, Pulitzer-winning New York Times political columnist Maureen Dowd answers the question, "what would you hear if Dick Cheney put you on hold?" The answer may surprise you!

Well shoot! The Cheney family has been doing so well: Dick's found post-White House life; Liz seems poised to be the GOP's next female star. But now that's all gone to hell because lesbian daughter Mary's having a second baby!

Take that, Dick Cheney! Federal officials this weekend made three arrests in an interstate terror investigation. Sure, it's good news for democracy, freedom and the such, but it could be great news for President Obama.

It's likely been a while since you thought of Halliburton, the oil-loving company once headed by Dick Cheney. Well, Halliburton hasn't stopped thinking of you. Or, at least, the U.S.A. It's PAC continues throwing money at politicians.

Just as "but they were a huge jerk" is not a legitimate defense of beating someone to death, "but it produced actionable intelligence" is not a legitimate defense of torture. Not that that actually matters anymore!