"If my 20-year-old self could see me now at 35, he'd want to kick my ass," says Dan Peres in the opening of his Letter From The Editor in the current Details. It's the yuppie issue, and Dan wants you to know that while he used to be pretty cool (smoked pot, wore flannel, lived in the Village), he's grown and changed, and now he's the kind of douche that he used to despise. He lets you know this in painful, painstaking detail. Since the piece is not online, and God knows you don't want anyone to see you actually buying Details we've taken the liberty of reproducing it below. It's a long read, but ultimately worth it, because, as Dan comes to terms with his own douchery, so must we all. Enjoy.

Oh, come on.

You see that? That's 28.5 POUNDS OF MAGAZINE. 28.5 lbs. is the ridiculous sum total of all our fall fashion magazine weigh-ins; the combined weight of these 13 glossies exceeds that of all the models who appear in them.

Hot on the trail of the "man flab" trend, those progressive dandies over at Details feature an article on the return of curves in Hollywood — "FAT IS BACK," etc. Otherwise likeable writer Holly Millea argues that actresses like Rachel Weisz, Kate Winslet and Catherine Zeta-Jones are paving the way for calorie-loving girls everywhere, fighting the Nicole Richies of the world one sandwich at a time. Notes Salon's Broadsheet Broad Rebecca Traister:

Second Place: Getting ass-raped by a Production Assistant. At home.

• Time Inc. to launch SI Edge, fitness mag that won't offer abs tips. Retorts Zinczenko: "[W]e promise not to point out that he's naming his magazine after a shaving cream." [NYP]
• Hey, remember the big USA Today expose on how the phone companies were colluding with the government to create a big database of all sorts of domestic phone-call records? Yeah, well, the paper's still convinced about the database, but it's not so sure anymore the telcos played along. [USAT]
• Was Pemberton's Spin too much like Blender? Plus, a Detailser leaves to become — wha? — a morning-show DJ. In Oregon. [WWD]

• The National Enquirer finds itself getting sued, yet again — but this time it's not Tom Cruise unleashing the lawyers. It's little Lisa Turtle (aka Lark Voorhies), who is suing for unspecified damages after the rag quoted a source as saying she was bipolar and addicted to cocaine. Honestly, she did look a little tweaked when she and Screech did "the sprain" dance. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears suspects hubby K-Fed may be the source of leaks to the tabloids. He may not be the best husband for her, but Federline sure is loyal to America. [Scoop]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's grandfather, Jon Voight, launches a public campaign to see the new baby. Considering his contact with the press was a major reason behind his estrangement with Angelina Jolie, this strikes one as a not-so-good plan. [Lowdown]
• Three Days of Rain may not have been stellar, but was it really so bad as to kick Julia Roberts down to the new face of Avon? [Page Six]
• Nobody's quite sure whether or not Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, particularly because she's yet to figure out how to pee on a stick. [R&M]
• Details gives a rundown of the city's most hump-friendly public restrooms; the Plumm, Bungalow 8, and Bar 89 make the list. And yet there's no mention of the bathrooms at the Christopher Street Pier. C'mon, Details. We know you know. [Page Six]

A headline from the new Details, out today:

• Details missed its rate base on eight of 10 issues in 2005. Fun. [Ad Age]
• Martha Stewart launches Blueprint today in a bid to reach younger readers. There should probably be a joke about Alexis here, but we can't think of one. [NYP]
• Daily Candy remains for sale. [NYM]
• Punch Sulzberger has allegedly said that he'll read the Times on the computer when he can take a computer into the bathroom with him. Now, apparently, he can. [NYT]
• Kurt Andersen thinks we're in a tech bubble again. How does he know? Because Michael Wolff wants in. [NYM]
• Simon Dumenco answers the questions you didn't ask, including whether he has a clothing line and what his jingle sounds like. [Ad Age]
• Existentially speaking, who is Brian Williams? [MW]
• NYT M.E. Jill Abramson's grandfather could have invested early in Paramount Pictures but didn't. [NYSun]

• Page Six traffics in buzz, apparently. [NYT]
• Uncle Bob Schieffer might stick around to do end-of-show commentaries on Couric-led CBS Evening News. And also to show off his legs, of course. [Philadelphia Inquirer]
• Breaking: Daily News distributes sponsored copies! [NYT]
• It's hard to be a teen magazine. [Mediaweek]
• Real Simple loses two top editors; Details's Dan Peres tucks in. [WWD]

As WWD reported this morning, Details wunderkind Brian Farnham — who in five years there rose to the No. 2 position at the mag — resigned yesterday to become the new editor-in-chief of Time Out New York. TONY has been EIC-less since Joe Angio left at Christmastime to focus on promoting his documentary on Melvin Van Peebles. There were apparently "many, many, MANY
candidates interviewed" for the job — which presumably explains why it was open for so long — and Farnham will be starting May 1. After the jump, dueling memos: A terse — and head-patting — farewell from Details chief Dan Peres, and a gushing welcome from Time Out president Alison Tocci.

If you're anything like us, you often wonder what magazines have the gayest readerships. Thankfully, Fairchild's DNR got hold of the research this week, and it told us. (On Monday. None of you saw this and could pass it on before now? Jesus, people.)

• Carl Icahn's quixotic attempt to split up Time Warner starts to "falter." As quixotic bids are wont to do. [NYT]
• Is the blog boggle about to burst? One certainly hopes so. [Slate]
• Sixteen months after the last one left, Details names a new executive editor: Bill van Parys, snagged from sister pub Jane. Insert Details-is-gay joke here.[WWD]
• Yahoo News was all Jerry Garcia's fault. Or something like that. [MW]

• Maxim, Sports Illustrated, and Playboy to spend up to $1 million each to host dueling pre-Super Bowl parties. Maybe some of those recently laid off from Time Inc. and Dennis Publishing will be invited. [NYP]
• Brandon Holley digs 20-something smart chicks. [NYT]
• Daily News TV guy Richard Huff still doesn't like Jon Stewart. [NYDN]
• The Observer redesigns its blogs, which now look thoroughly swell (if, sadly, less pink). [The Real Estate/NYO]
• Missed In Style: Celebrity Weddings on ABC Monday night? Then you missed your chance to see highlights from Details editor Dan Peres' wedding. We're sure you're as sad as we are. [WWD]

• Everything at the Times is great, says Sulzberger! He loves Bill Keller! His job is totally secure! The staff is all happy! And he still believes, in spite of everything, that people are still truly good at heart! [MW]
• Stephen Colbert, fake blowhard political pundit, to emcee annual White House Correspondents Association dinner, filled with real blowhard political pundits. Also, universe to collapse just a little bit further. [FishbowlDC]
• Finally, some good news: Magazines aren't necessarily going away. [National Journal]
• Hed: "'First-Ever' Urban Gay Men's Lifestyle Magazine to Get U.S. Debut." You know, except for Details. (And we won't even get started on its name.) [Folio:]

• New anchors ain't helping World News Tonight's ratings. [WSJ]
• Details publisher Chris Mitchell was trying to get out, but Conde kept pulling him back in. [WWD]
• Cathie Black, feminist, and Bill Buckley, conservative, get MPA lifetime-achievement awards. [Ad Age]
• Whither poor, UPN-less Channel 9? [NYT]

We've never before heard of the "Nut Lovers" candy bar from Hershey's.

If anything was going to come between us and our beloved Wonkette, we always knew it would be a man. And so we're both entirely distraught and, deep down, not at all surprised, that she's trying to take Anderson Cooper away from us. So, though we're ashamed she brought her readers this news before we brought it to ours, we'll just steal her writeup and remind her that, when all's said and done, he's not on her team, anyway.*

The new Details is out today, and Simon Dumenco has an essay in it about the Times's strange fixation on defining the borders of heterosexuality — and ensuring that The Gays remain safely classified as The Other.

CNN pops on its homepage today a fresh Anderson Cooper Details column from the archives, this one from December 2004, about New Year's Eve. (Because, hey, who's not ready to read about New Year's on the first day of November?) The Coopster first reveals his profound distaste for the holiday — "If you go to a party and drink on New Year's Eve, it's inevitable: You will at some point find yourself alone and despondent," he writes, and we can't imagine why he'd feel alone — but confesses that ultimately, when he started covering New Year's for CNN, he grew to like it. Oh, the wacky times he had doing the broadcast: