depression

Happy People Live Longer

Max Read · 03/04/11 02:26AM

You know what rules about being happy? Besides not ever staying up till three in the morning wondering if it's even morally right to bring a child into the world, at this point? This is what rules about happiness: You live longer! And you're healthier! Yes, a review of more than a hundred studies confirms: Happy people have every right to be smug, the bastards.

How To Avoid the Upcoming Plague of Male Depression

Max Read · 03/01/11 03:31AM

According to a new article in the British Journal of Psychiatry, the rate of depressive disorders among men in Western countries is likely to increase greatly—possibly catching up with that of women, who are are currently twice as likely to be diagnosed with a depressive disorder. Are you a man? Don't worry! We have solutions for you.

Government's Plea to Eat Less Drowned Out by Chewing Sounds

Hamilton Nolan · 01/31/11 04:27PM

Eating instructions! Stair running! Five Hour Energy! Ballet bodies! Polar bear workout! Polio elimination! Winter blues! Exercise brain! Diabetes everywhere! As well as racist doctors! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—again and again, unsuccessfully!

Everyone's Depressed for Unique, Depressing Reasons

Hamilton Nolan · 01/18/11 03:42PM

Depressed college kids! Depressed video game kids! Depressed adults! Depressed B12! Depressed tooth decay! Depressed ginger! Depressed surgeons! Depressed ladies! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—quite happily, thank you!

Are Our Soldiers Using the Proper Crash Diets?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/08/10 04:25PM

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!

Oh Christ: Cats Make You Healthy

Hamilton Nolan · 11/02/10 02:25PM

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

Cats, and Other Things That Will Kill Your Kids

Hamilton Nolan · 09/30/10 01:32PM

Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!

Brain-Damaged Americans Hate Sex, Love Football

Hamilton Nolan · 09/17/10 02:37PM

Superbugs! Libido lack! Depressed students! Football brain! Dumb food docs! Marines with cancer! Whooping cough! Headline minds! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—as best we can, through the fog of concussion!

Chocolate-Eaters More Likely to Be Depressed

Max Read · 04/27/10 12:21AM

Do you eat chocolate because you are sad? Or are you sad because you eat chocolate? The conundrum, known as Guisewite's Paradox, has plagued philosophers for generations. And now, Science has tackled it! Do they have an answer for us?