"Chill... At least [he] didn't eat the dog."

Political widower with a wandering penis John Edwards has denied a DNAInfo report claiming he purchased sex from accused New York "Millionaire Madam" Anna Gristina. His lawyer announced last night,

Lucky editor and accused Twitter parody mastermind John Jannuzzi has issued an official statement on the matter of an anonymous Twitter account dedicated to eavesdropping on people at Condé Nast: "I am not @CondeElevator." Then why did you accompany your statement with a picture of Richard Nixon, a known liar who once had a fake Twitter called @MarkFeltIsAShitNozzle, hmmm? [Lucky, Images via @JohnJannuzzi and Lucky]

Lucky editor and popular Tumblr-er John Jannuzzi is having a bad day. In the last 24 hours, The Daily Beast and SheFinds.com separately reported that he is the mystery eavesdropper behind @CondeElevator. Jannuzzi declined to comment on the record when we asked him about the rumors yesterday and today, but 30 minutes ago he said this on Twitter: "This is fucking ridiculous." [TDB, SF, image via @JohnJannuzzi]

Rep. Michele Bachmann's "psychologist" husband, Marcus Bachmann, is apparently starting to feel like a liability to his wife's political prospects. Either that, or he just likes talking to the papers! Because he's now going on the record to defend his Christian counseling business against charges of being anti-gay.

Yesterday, Tech Crunch writer Alexia Tsotsis did a noble thing: she more or less told her parent company to fuck off, in public, after a Moviefone/ AOL rep emailed her suggesting that the "snark" be "toned down." That was entertaining. But the response of Moviefone is even more entertaining! If you like unbelievable things.

George W. Bush is unsurprisingly denying the report that he'd "have endorsed Obama if they'd asked." A spokesman calls the story "ridiculous and untrue," adding that Bush "proudly" supported McCain. Welcome back to the 24-hour news cycle, George W. Bush.

Sorry, but Alec Baldwin was only kidding when he said he'd run for a House seat if his congressman lost to a Republican.

Chronically masturbating actor James Franco has finally responded to reports he slept through class at Columbia: "It was this extra thing, it was 10 at night, it wasn't a class." Sounding a little cranky—maybe Jimmy needs a nap?

Our two favorite Hollywood attention-seekers—perpetually naked heiress Peaches Geldof and rant-prone torture porn provocateur Eli Roth—went out for dinner last night in London, and Eli posed pointing to Peaches' ring-finger diamond. Don't worry, she's "100% not engaged."

Remember the email exchange from earlier today where Steve Jobs purportedly called iPhone 4 signal problems "rumors"? A "top Apple spokesman" says that it's fake, and Jobs said none of of the things being attributed to him. [Fortune]

The NYT Magazine is online with a hot new profile of Lindsey Graham, the Senate's most ubiquitous fifty-something lispy bachelor. And he finally addresses those gay rumors that have followed him throughout his career, saying "I ain't gay." Feisty much?

Environment activist Laurie David, alleged mistress of Al Gore, denies having ever "reduced her carbon footprint" with Gore, if you know what I mean. "The story is completely untrue," says David. Just like global warming, am I right? [NYDN]

Earlier this week, we wondered if Sarah Palin got a boob job. Speaking last night to Fox News' Greta Van Susteren, Palin said, "I know Boob-Gate is all over the internet right now," but the rumors are false. Hmm.

After admitting she has a penis, Lady Gaga was overheard telling Elton John at a benefit last week, "Do you believe everything you read? I don't have a penis either, Elton." Oh, Lady G, stop crushing our dreams!

Vladimir Putin is "of a traditional orientation" (read: 100% HETERO) according to Vladimir Putin, who can tell you this "with complete certainty." So stop asking him all these "literary" (read: TOTALLY GAY) questions about his "marriage" to President Medvedev! [NYT]

The legendary actress is refuting last week's rumor that she recently got engaged for the ninth time. And she's doing it the way all good rumors are dispelled these days: on Twitter.

The New York Governor gave an interview to the Associated Press specifically to rebut "callous and sleazy" rumors based on an upcoming profile that may or may not reveal (more) sexual shenanigans at the statehouse.

If you see Simon van Kempen on the street, you probably should not approach him and ask him if he's gay. He's beginning to get annoyed by the question! "If I was gay, I would be gay, but I'm not!" he barked at a reporter from Us when he was cornered at the Gracie Awards last night. "I don't want to have sex with men!" But he's not prepared to apologize for his fondness for Speedos either, so be sure to brace yourself if you happen to bump into him on the beach in the Hamptons this summer. [Us]

Mini-Madoff Allen Stanford, charged with Ponzi scheming his investors out of $8 billion, denies everything. He's a patsy! And so nervous that he just says random words that he thinks may form a denial-like statement: