We're loath to admit we've fallen behind on new episodes of The Simpsons, so we're extremely grateful to the reader who pointed the following out to us: On Sunday's show, after a fairly hilarious sequence in which Homer engages in an illicit affair with a gyro cone (which, for $4300, could basically give you all the unsafe satisfaction you could handle), the portly paterfamilias then puts a happy ending on his marathon session of rotisserie lovemaking with a trip to Pudding on the Ritz. His order? "One Butterscotch Stallion."

Page Six has ignited quite the firestorm with their report today that Rachael Ray, the homecooking guru whose open-mouth circumference quite improbably exceeds that of her entire head, is at high risk for cancellation. The reason: dwindling ratings and a rapidly aging demographic, whose calcified joints can barely manage to crack open a bottle of EVOO. (We wont get into the hard numbers here, but if you're really interested, the Sixers throw up a bunch of pie charts and nanaimo bar graphs to prove their point.) But wait! A representative from King World disputes their claims, saying Ray has managed to even outperformed the talk show deity who fashioned her in her own image out of a variety of dipping sauces. From HuffPo:

Having devoured celebrity knees and lips in their quest to mock each and every imperfect body part they spot on the red carpet, the British press is now preying on something they've dubbed Bat Face, singling out Nicole Kidman as the epitome of Botox overload. Though the picture of Nicole they use isn't pretty, the bat is actually kind of adorable (at this point, we are far more scared of seeing Nic enter our room in the middle of the night than this cuddly little rat with wings). In fact, Nicole looks less like this animal than she does another: Michael Jackson. And she's not alone. Rather than naming the immobile facial trend Bat Face, we're thinking the look is more a symptom of MJ Syndrome, which also counts Renee Zellweger and Teri Hatcher among its victims.

To celebrate her inability to quit smoking and the further emasculation of Joshua, the Grey's Anatomy star intends on proudly gorging herself on an entire box of double fudge brownies and cupcakes. If you can't beat it, eat it.

If you want to look just as scarily skinny as the likes of Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger, the solution is simple: eat nothing but boiled eggs and water, develop a healthy addiction to caffeine and cardio, and devote your evenings to chain-smoking and reading Us Weekly on the john. The latest "news" on celebrity diet secrets comes to us courtesy of the Daily Mail, who asked a handful of trainers and nutrition experts what's in between the lines of all those helpful How Kate/Jessica/Reese Got Slim stories. And even if some of the answers don't exactly whet your appetite, guessing which celebs the so-called experts are outing is almost as much fun as biting into a Double Double. Take this nugget for example:

· Well, who in their right minds wouldn't want Sanjaya to be the celebrity of honor at their Bat Mitzvah? Still, we hear he's pretty overbooked, and makes you pay for the hair appointment, so you might want to settle for one of this year's castoffs. What about the creepy dude who sang "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go?" He's probably not doing anything. [TRL]
· Here's what $4,300 of N.Y. Governor dollars gets you two hours with: some Alicia Keys wannabe with a MySpace page. Sigh. Remember when high-classed hookers didn't shamelessly whore themselves out like that? [MySpace]
· David Archuleta's atrociously dressed father is reportedly the stage dad from hell, making his son cry at rehearsal, and banned once from the Star Search set for harassing another contestant. [etonline]
· The final book in the Harry Potter series will be split into two separate movies. That reminds us...wonder how Gay Dumbledore is doing? Yup—still gay. [LAT]
· Seems like the Pixar Man just likes to keep a good, CGI-directing brother down. [LAT]
· The Tokyo Auto Show unveils revolutionary, toddler-pee-powered Ferraris. They really need to be seen to be believed! [Jalopnik]

We teased you yesterday with just a few still frames from Britney Spears's new video for "Break The Ice," but we can now premiere the full version in all its uncut, Japanimation glory. (It premiered on something called the blackoutball.com, which you could only access with two secret words, and we would never tell you what those were even if they weren't "danger" and "victory." Oh, darn—we gave it away!) Directed by Robert Hales after Britney watched his Lovestoned clip for Justin Timberlake and specifically requested the director, we're informed that no Louis Vuitton proprietary Cherry Blossom patterns were harmed during production. It looks nothing like her, but it's kind of cool. Enjoy!

For those of us out there who are active moviegoers, the weekend of March 14 has been circled on our calendars for some time. While 2008 has seen a handful of worthwhile releases hit the cineplex (think Be Kind Rewind, think Charlie Bartlett), the indie-inclined viewer has had painfully few movie choices from which to choose from so far this year. However, all that changes this weekend when Neil Marshall's Doomsday, David Gordon Green's Snow Angels and Michael Haneke's Funny Games make their way to a theater near you. While all three will must sees (at least in my book), one of these flicks is drawing significant levels of pre-release controversy (if not great reviews). Specifically, Haneke's Americanized remake of his own 1997 pic Funny Games is being labeled by notoriously cranky film blogger Jeffrey Wells as being "the ugliest and most repulsive violent melodrama I've ever seen (including the thoroughly disgusting I Spit On Your Grave)" and, simultaneously, "a smart and nervy critique of sexy-violent movies ... and one of the ballsiest movies ever released by Warner Bros. in its 90 year history." Um, sign us up!

It's been too long since we've cuddled up with HuffPo powerblogger Ari Emanuel: The dissolution of his Ari's Frustration of the Day column by no stretch of the imagination suggests the Endeavor partner has suddenly developed a Zen-like acceptance of his rightful, bitch-hugging place in the universe. On the contrary, it seems that certain lurid acts committed by state-level politicians have nudged the bug that's taken permanent residence inside his hindquarters further up the Ari Coast than ever before:

And in the debate over which cartoonish, nearly-identical-looking summer blockbuster Hulk is cooler, we'll have to go with the one that looks less like the color of Green Giant frozen peas, and more like the color of Green Giant canned peas. [incrediblehulk.marvel.com]

Cameron Diaz continues to perform the 'raise the roof' gesture without mocking irony, but with unabashed joy and suggesting that everybody join in with her and yelling, "Can we get a what what?"

The just-released trailer for The Incredible Hulk shows few signs of the shocking truth—splashed across the pages of The Finkeian Tattler—about the power-play going on behind the scenes. (For the uninitiated: Ed Norton has been offering up his creative point of view, which differs slightly from that of the 1200 other cooks required to make a superhero blockbuster. We know! Entirely shocking!) Based on these two-minutes of footage, it seems the touchy-feely beast of Ang Lee's version, weighed down with boring daddy-issues and roaming the streets of San Francisco like an HGH-abusing Gumby, has been replaced with something a little more in line with what Hulk fanatics expect from their gamma-ray-enhanced avocado-beasts. GRAGGGHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Earlier today, we wondered aloud as to what Tina Fey could have possibly seen in Josh Hartnett's body of work that would lead her to think that he would be a suitable love interest for her character on 30 Rock. Well, it turns out that our speculation was for naught, as we have recently learned that the original OK! Magazine piece that ran this morning appears to be patently false. In an email communication just sent to Defamer HQ, an NBC spokeswoman told us that there's "Absolutely no truth to this story. OK magazine has it wrong..." Phew! This news not only soothes our irritable tummies, but it also fills our hearts with joy. While we bear no ill will towards Mr. Hartnett, we must admit that we can think of at least two dozen actors off the top of our heads who would make a better suitor for Liz Lemon. Yes, even Ashton Kutcher!

Despite what CNN entertainment correspondent Kiki King reported as hard news over a ticker reading "Jodie Foster...Star of Taxi Driver and The Accused...Total lesbian...Admitted so at Hollywood luncheon...Thanked someone called her 'beautiful Cydney'....Must be longtime girlfriend...Jodie Foster...Star of Taxi Driver..." in an infinite loop, the actress's speech at a Women in Entertainment event in December was not the definitive soft-outing Foster-watchers had long hoped for. At least not according to a recent interview with Parade, in which The Brave One suddenly grew very skittish when the questions poked too close to home:

· CollegeHumor & ComedyJuice present a whole slew of funny folk at the Hollywood Improv, a number of whom you'll certainly recognize from their talking head gigs on Video Hits One. Performers include Jamie Kennedy, Best Week Ever's Christian Finnegan and Doug Benson, The Greg Wilson and more.
· Tonight's musical picks include The Mint Chicks at Spaceland, Thailand at the Echo, Taxi at the Viper Room.
· Get your conspiracy theories on when Docudrama Top Secret: The Battle for The Pentagon Papers plays at Skirball Cultural Center. The play, featuring John "Home Alone" Heard, takes an inside look at The Washington Post's decision to publish the top secret study documenting U.S. involvement in Vietnam.
· Leslie Lehr presents and signs Wife Goes On at Dutton's Brentwood Books.

Woody Allen once said that the only cultural advantage of living in Los Angeles is the ability to make a right turn on a red light. Dave Navarro would beg to differ. He'd gladly tell you that being able to go shirtless in a restaurant is a pretty sweet, too. Just ask him.

This just in: A Defamer operative on the Fox lot sent in a sighting of How I Met Your Mother's heavily stunt-casted Britney Spears, which includes a Defamer! World! Britney! Sitcom! Walk-On! Exclusive! description of what she'll be wearing in the episode:

Who was that tall hobo you pitied grazing the munchie section of Gelson's the other day? Why, it was none other than recently rehabbed Pat O'Brien, fresh from his stint in rehab for what he and his rep liked to call "problems with alcohol." The bright-eyed and bushy-faced talking head was seen loading up on Pringles and M&Ms (does he have the munchies, too?). However, when a fan recognized him standing in line, he decided to bolt rather than stick around to see what was on her mind:

· Hollywood Out of Ideas: Michael Bay Instigating Another Completely Unnecessary Horror-Classic Remake Edition. After the announced despoiling of A Nightmare on Elm Street by his Platinum Dunes "horror shingle," the director is in talks to produce a remake of Rosemary's Baby for Paramount. Look for Megan Fox to star as the totally babealicious swimsuit model knocked up by Shia LaSatan. [THR]
· An historic SAG/AFTRA Accord has been reached in order to present a united front in the upcoming negotiations for a feature-primetime contract. (Does that include primetime-features? We don't know, but we imagine it does!) It all went down in Peter Chenin's office, but fellow Mt. Mogulmore models Robert Iger and Les Moonves couldn't make it, for out-of-town and lunch-eating reasons, respectively. [Variety]

We've never found much of what Josh Hartnett does particularly funny, with the possible exception of the scraggly 'stache that he's been sporting unironically for years. So how will the stiff-as-a-board actor fare when cast opposite the likes of Tina Fey and the rest of her comedically blessed cohorts on 30 Rock? OK! is reporting that Hartnett recently read for a part on the Emmy-winning laughfest as Fey's next love interest, a role that may last four to six episodes. And while this latest bit of stunt casting would be a major boost to Josh's embarrassing-of-late resume, the Emmy-winning show hardly needs a swarthy guest star to save it from sinking. So what does the much cleverer than us Tina Fey have up her sleeve?