Apparently, NBC has decided to continue going through the paces of finding America's Top Talent-Haver, when clearly feline pretzel-girl Victoria already has this rodeo all sewn up. Still, there's something to be said for adhering to reality show protocol—particularly when tucking royalty struts among us—and so we were more than happy to take in Drag Tina Turner's electrifying semi-final audition, which unfolded with clockwork precision as her main competition, Drag Britney Spears, watched nervously from the wings. Of course, there was only room for one drag finalist; that, unfortunately, went to neither performer, but rather a Victoria impersonator—played by a 55-year-old, four-foot-tall Chinese-American letter carrier from Sioux Falls, SD—who proved as astonishingly flexible as his adorably whiskered inspiration.

After winding his way through a media-sponsored meltdown that saw him terrorize Conan O'Brien, endure torture on Donnie Deutsch, and ultimately resign from the Howard Stern show, comedian Artie Lange pulled out of the Bob Saget roast this past weekend to check himself into rehab. Says Page Six:

Let the Stapler Chucking Begin: With our lone remaining claim to Summer Olympics lore threatened by Beijing's far-worse smog, LA must find new glories to restore its place among the globe's competitive elite. One such brainstorm is underway at The Hollywood Temp Diaries, whose tireless proprietor Temp X today proposed the Hollywood Assistant Olympic Games — as good a shield as you're likely to have from the two-week hype hurricane promised by NBC. We should use "shield" loosely, though; from cutthroat events like the Stapler Dodge to the iPhone Purchase to the deadly "Moshitta" call-rolling match, the participants face brutal world-class nemeses from both sides of the desk. Meanwhile, up in the Hills, the Belt Buy and 100-Meter Liquidarian Dash will be tried out as exhibition sports for the first time. Defamer salutes all this year's participants — make your city proud. [Hollywood Temp Diaries]

Hot on the heels of consecutive nights pondering the fate of The Coreys, Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer turns her laserlike pop culture focus tonight on one of the best-loved television shows of the late '80s and early '90s. Only, instead of bringing the thunder against the likes of Susie Sprague-Feldman, an entirely different sentiment washes over her when she learns that it's highly unlikely that she'll ever be able to watch Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper's first kiss on (a non-pirated) DVD. Break out your box of hankies for this evening's installment of Defamer To Do's.· Ready the Jet at Molly Malone's. · Steve Miller Band at the Nokia Theater. · Book Bash at Samuel French. · Charity Auction at Amoeba Music.

The Paul Thomas Anderson Stage Revue we'd mentioned a while back was finally unveiled last night at Largo, where Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph reportedly performed a succession of new sketches with Jon Brion's musical accompaniment. And according to one eyewitness who espied Jack Black and Paul Dano among his fellow attendees, the show was a little less There Will Be Blood than Punch-Drunk Love, with liberal, Altmanesque doses of I Really Don't Feel Like Writing Another Feature-Length Screenplay Right Now tossed in for good measure:

Cinematic tough guy Clive Owen received some bad news via his Blackberry outside the London branch of celeb sushi spot Nobu on Tuesday night. Apparently, the die-hard Liverpool F.C. fan got the news that the club had lost a mid-fielder for the upcoming season. Owen said, "There must be a bunch of Manchester wankers in the Visa office. Maybe I should go over there and give those droogs a swift kick to the yarbles."

There's really no gentle way to put his, so we'll just cede the podium to Star magazine for the latest news involving Shia LaBeouf's injured hand:

Ay yi yi: inspired, perhaps, by the evocative mashup that is The Dark Cock, Disney has decided to retool its controversial comedy Beverly Hills Chihuahua into an empowering political fable worthy of Manohla Dargis. No longer simply a slapstick stereotype-fest, it's now the story of a lone chihuahua birthed Athena-like from the head of Kevin Costner and thrust into that most awe-inspiring of responsibilities: casting a vote to decide the fate of the U.S. presidential election. After two hours of sturm and drang (and the advice from his precocious liberal daughter), will he make the right choice? Spoiler alert: after a persuasive lobbying from surrogate Tinkerbell, he picks Paris Hilton. [Beverly Hills Chihuahua]

· Laurence Fishburne is in negotiations to take over for the departing William Petersen in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, in which he'll play a scientist who "has the same genetic profile as a serial killer," much like the sociopathic cowboy he played on Saturday morning TV in the late '80s. [THR]
·Load up on guns, bring your friends: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video director Sam Bayer will direct the Michael Bay-produced noir action thriller Fiasco Heights for Universal. [THR]
·Suspiciously obtained reality show concept Wipeout, a surprise summer hit for ABC, has been renewed for another season of waterlogged, spine-snapping fun. [Variety]
·Taking Woodstock, Ang Lee's totally weird movie starring Demetri Martin as the gay decorator inadvertently at the center of the legendary music festival, will begin shooting this month, with go-to Period Gay Emile Hirsch added to the cast.
· Tony-winning Best Play August: Osage County is being prepped for a movie version, probably to star Meryl Streep, with a snappier plot based on a series of loosely-strung-together Roxette songs. [Variety]

As first noted here a few weeks back, ye olde stalled Robin Hood epic Nottingham is all but dead in the water now at Universal, where Ridley Scott, Russell Crowe and Sienna Miller were locked in to start shooting this month before a flurry of setbacks delayed it indefinitely. As presumed, labor woes and casting haggles were indeed among the pitfalls, but you have to know that an implosion of this magnitude can't simply stop there — as described after the jump, Crowe's weight, Scott's attention span, script haggles and other factors also conspired to keep Hollywood out of the forest this time around.Keep in mind this is the same script Universal bought more than a year ago for seven figures, piling on none-too-cheap rewrites by Brian Helgeland and now, according to Patrick Goldstein, British playwright Paul Webb. But that's the least of his problems, said Uni chair Marc Shmuger:

First Shia LaBeouf broke his hand, now George Lucas breaks his heart: Speaking exclusively to MTV News, Lucas elaborated on the promised Indiana Jones 5, assuring disgruntled Indy fans that the sequel wouldn't center on LaBeouf's character, Mutt. “Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be ‘Mutt Williams and the Search for Elvis’ or something.” Lucas then paused, later calling David Koepp to pitch him an ending where Graceland rises spinning from the ground, blasting into outer space to return Mutt to his home planet. [MTV Movies Blog]

Looks like Liv Tyler should've asked her Armageddon co-star Ben Affleck for some tips on how to tip on the DL. While at LAX on Tuesday afternoon, Tyler attempted to slide the tip into the skycap's pocket, but the skycap mistook the gesture for something a bit more forward. Tyler explained that she was trying to tip him and didn't mean anything by it. The skycap smile and said, "You could just give it to me. No need to be a Sneaky Pete about things."

So, yes, buttery-voiced leadflipper Morgan Freeman is recovering from injuries sustained in a terrible car accident, in which he and a female passenger who wasn't his wife— 48-year-old Demaris Meyer—were lucky to emerge alive. There were whispers, of course, about the nature of their relationship—rumors not likely to die down now that it's been confirmed that the Dark Knight star is in the process of divorcing his wife of 24 years, costume designer Myrna Colley-Lee. From AccessHollywood.com:

An eagle-eyed, Craigslist-scavenging informant today points us to a compelling career opportunity for the ambitious dreamer in you: A "high-ranking staffer on a hit dance reality show" is in dire need of a new assistant after the last one apparently agreed to assist him (or her, we suppose) full-time in bed:

Putting together a celebrity slideshow isn't for the faint of heart: just ask our own Molly McAleer, whose titanic work in the pursuit of compilations could kill a lesser man (and has — don't ask us about that intern in '06). So how do you survive filling out an eleven-page slideshow when your subject is that most rarest of species: celebrity virgins? Well, if you're an employee at Us Weekly, you cheat a little, padding your list with both non-virgins and non-celebrities alike! Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

We hate to pile on more misery for Corey Feldman, having just spit his final goodbyes at former best friend Corey Haim after a tender sneaker-note gesture went awry. But we simply had to share some recently unearthed lost performance footage, in which the actor/poolside musician—who spoke out against Michael Jackson during that singer's 2005 child molestation trial—appears to be singing in white-soul-inflected tongues while being possessed by the groin-thrusting spirit of the deposed Pop King himself. The YouTube page hosting this monstrosity comes with an appropriately severe caution ("Warning! This video is very disturbing!"), but we encourage you to tough it through to the very end, if only to experience the vicarious sweet release of one audience member who had simply had enough.

Lindsay "The Dragon" Lohan made many Miami shopkeepers very nervous as she strolled along with lifetime companion Samantha Ronson and the rest of the Ronson family. Lohan appeared to be emitting more smoke than usual, perhaps due to the stress of meeting Ronson's family. Not even a trip to the American Apparel store could quell the dragon's nerves.

Big Rob—the leviathan security detail who rose to national prominence hurtling away Britney Spears's paparazzi tormentors with one swat of his canoe-sized arms—has started a blog. Now employed by the fraternal order of avant-garde multi-instrumentalists more commonly known as the Jonas Brothers, Big Rob has been promoted from his overzealous-teenbopper-pummeling duties to become an actual member of the band. But let's let Rob explain, directly from his blog's home at RyanSeacrest.com—your full-service online source for all the completely stupid things Ryan Seacrest cares about it, apparently!

The recent taping of Bob Saget's Comedy Central Roast was bound to take a wrong turn sooner or later — sooner, in fact, if the comic's filthy inner circle evinced in The Aristocrats and other blue rooms over the years had anything to do with it. In fact, we'd bet dollars to donuts that the Gilbert Gottfried riff below was merely a mild, early pacesetter for an even more sordid night to come, which should roughly result in a seven-minute broadcast on Aug. 17 after the censors get a hold of it. We're told this clip is among those slashed, but really, aren't the Olsen Twin molestation gags we've been hearing about almost too easy under the circumstances? Would Candace Cameron jokes just be too on the nose? You tell us after the jump, and come on, Gil — don't get soft on us now.

While waiting in line for a screening of Pineapple Express, famed siblings Macaulay and Kieran Culkin got into a very heated debate over the quality of their bottle water. Macaulay felt that while the water could've been a bit colder, it was still refreshing and satisfying. However, Kieran felt that water was bland and too predictable. Macaulay pointed to his brother towards the various brands of flavored water available at the theater, but Kieran just shook his head. A crowd quickly formed around the brothers who asked the brothers to debate more topics. One onlooker commented, "These two guys should be the guys replacing Ebert & Roeper. You can really tell that they don't like each other."