Won't anybody listen to the "content kings" over at Warner Bros.? Despite the fact that they actually have plausible reasons for bumping Harry Potter to next year — i.e the writers' strike had left them with a summer 2009 slate that lacked a single tentpole release besides Terminator: Salvation — tongues are clucking that there simply must be ulterior motives at play. The latest to toss out a conspiracy theory is daffy Fox News columnist Roger Friedman, who puts the blame squarely on Daniel Radcliffe's barely legal shoulders:

Though dating Kelly Kapoor could drive any man to self-medicate, never did we think that Darryl from The Office had quite as extensive a stash as his portrayer, Craig Robinson, has been revealed to possess. According to TMZ, Robinson was busted late last month for driving under the influence, and what officers found led them to charge him with two felonies:

Cheers to Ed McMahon, whose week started with more miserable news about lawsuits and money owed but ends with word that he's managed at least one solution: He's found a buyer for his Beverly Hills manse, which was mere weeks away from foreclosure after the beleaguered 85-year-old legend defaulted on $4.8 million in loans with Countrywide. Alas, the inevitable catch: The buyer is Donald Trump, who boasted to the LA Times about his "honor" in leasing the home back to McMahon, adding, "When I was at the Wharton School of Business, I'd watch him every night. How could this happen?" Good question, and one that's partially answered in a fascinating advertisement published this week in the Los Angeles MLS Open House Guide. There, broker Alex Davis made a last-minute, full-page appeal on McMahon's behalf, laying out the dire scenario along with some of the speed bumps he and McMahon had struck along the way: "Lowball offers" of $4.6 million, flaky speculators, and the last of the bank's deadline extensions. But finally the pitch comes down to selling McMahon himself: "[Y]ou will be the hero of a man who's been the hero of so many others if you could help bring this deal to fruition." Ah — so that's what Trump was after. Read the full ad after the jump.

Welcome to another installment of Defamer's Dirt Sandwich, our weekly romp through the perilous wilderness of tabloid television. Each week, we task Molly McAleer with culling through close to a dozen hours of television to bring you, the loyal Defamer reader, the best two minutes of hilarious hyperbole that came across the airwaves. This week's episode does not disappoint, as diverse topics like Bernie Mac's death, Tropic Thunder's RetardGate and Manoj Night Shyamalan's public perception woes are covered. So while we've got you, why don't you take a bite and enjoy all the savory salaciousness you can handle. Bon appetit!

Fun and Games: And now, another installment of "You Win One, You Lose One" (NBC Thursday night edition)! Win: 30 Rock's Tina Fey and The Office star Steve Carell are teaming up to play a married couple in the big-screen comedy Date Night! Lose: It's being directed by the hacky Shawn Levy, who made Big Fat Liar and Cheaper by the Dozen. Win: Fey's costar Alec Baldwin is in talks to romance Meryl Streep in an untitled comedy... Lose: ...written and directed by Nancy Meyers, so it will no doubt be a cream-colored, two-hour-plus slog that looks like it came straight out of a Lands' End catalog. Thanks for playing! [Variety]

Ashton Kutcher, Margaret Killer? Make what you will of the news that playwright/filmmaker Kenneth Lonergan is rewriting an Ashton Kutcher comedy — on one hand Lonergan has Oscar nominations for both script-doctoring Gangs of New York and guiding his fussy You Can Count on Me through the indie trenches, while on the other we hear he's been cooped up in an editing room, fighting off Fox Searchlight for nearly two years over his troubled Anna Paquin/Matt Damon (among many others) drama Margaret. We'd like to think his taste will light the way on Like Father, which will star Kutcher as a man whose animosity toward his father abates as they "coincidentally" raise infant sons and "are forced to go through the fatherhood experience together." And maybe it'll be great, but we trust our first impression here more than we necessarily trust Lonergan: With work like this holding him over, don't be surprised if his own baby Margaret never sees the light of day. [Variety]

Earlier this week, our intrepid videographer Molls ran afoul of the law while out shooting a To Do video. And by "the law", we really mean "the rent-a-cop who patrols the feminine products aisle at Rite-Aid." Well, as you might expect, this got the anti-authoritarian streak that courses through Molly's veins going. Indulge your inner rebel (as well as learn what's going on in LA this weekend) with tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's. Have a great weekend!FRIDAY · The Gypsy Kings at the Greek. · The Dan Band at Avalon. · Vodka and Donuts at the Empty Stage Comedy Theater. SATURDAY · The Wildlife at GR2. · Blow Up LA at Lot 613. · Queens of the Stone Age at The Fonda. SUNDAY · Jethro Tull at the Greek. · Bow Wow at the Wiltern. · The Comedy of Errors at the Open Fist Theater.

Out for a stroll in New York City, Tom Cruise surprised his wife and daughter on Friday morning. Cruise, who had been waiting for ten minutes behind a SUV before popping out to hug his family, became concerned when Suri didn't recognize him. Suri asked her mother who the man was. Cruise said, "Hey, it's me! Your dad. Tom Cruise. Remember?" Suri shook her name and said that the name didn't ring a bell. Holmes looked over at Cruise with a wink as if to indicate "you know what to do." Cruise sighed and then flashed his trademark million dollar smile and started to dance around. Suri said, "Oh, right. You're the guy from the YouTube videos. Awesome. I love those videos."

Though a lot of people have known Madonna intimately, few may have gotten as close to her as Desperate Housewives star Felicity Huffman. Picked to take over the pop superstar's acting role in the 1998 David Mamet play Speed-the-Plow, Huffman decided to inhabit Madonna's leftovers in a very unorthodox way. Says People:

We have learned a great many things during this election year, but chief among them is that Republicans hate Hollywood (though not really). In fact, their vendetta against Tinseltown is so strong that they have now seized the means of production, which would at least explain the trailer for the upcoming right-wing comedy An American Carol — that is, if anything could explain An American Carol. A spoof of The Christmas Carol from Republican director David Zucker, it's the story of a Michael Moore-resembling filmmaker who is shown the error of his ways by a cast made up of Hollywood's biggest Republicans. If that description sounds a little dry, try these details on for size: the Moore stand-in comes to his senses when he is taught to kill members of the ACLU, and George Washington is played by Jon Voight. A closer look at the insanity, after the jump:As egregious and anti-funny as nearly every beat in the trailer is (we were especially partial to Gary Coleman's slave-talkin'), they all pale in comparison to this scene, teased by Reason:

Unlike the way that computer generated fireworks were deployed by that shadowy cabal made up of NBC and IOC members to render the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics that much more impressive, all of our advertisers are on the up-and-up. Thanks this week go to Crunch, Mother on Fire, Sobieski, Starwood Hotels, Stolichnaya and Unscrew America. If you would like to join this esteemed group of Defamer advertisers, all of the requisite information can be found here.

Popular internet personality Lindsay Lohan left the grand opening of Apple Lounge with the aid of a handsome, unidentified man on Thursday night. Lohan's life long chum/personal DJ, Samantha Ronson, was shocked to see her personal Peppermint Patty walking hand-in-hand with another person. Ronson then approached the man, readjusted her hat and asked, "'Ey yo! Bro, where you going with my peppermint? I mean do you have permission to touch my peppermint?" Lohan told Sam to chillax and that the man was just helping her out of the lounge and everything will be cool once they share a smoke.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw NPH getting all sweaty during a workout. In today's installment: Neil Patrick Harris, Woody Allen, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Grazer, Blake Lively, Pierce Brosnan, Christian Slater, Chris Noth, Jason Lee, Jenny Lewis, John Rzeznik, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Dyan Cannon, Camryn Manheim, Bruce Vilanch and more!WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6 · I was at the Arsenal in Los Angeles last night and saw (HOT)MIKE BORTONE (Survivor), PAMELA ALDON ( I remember her from Grease 2, but now on Californication and King of the Hill) and LIZA SNYDER (Yes, Please). They looked like they were having a great time, drinking & laughing & hanging out with a bunch of fun people. At one point I thought Liza & Pamela were going to get up & dance with the DJ's, but no luck. Good Times. THURSDAY, AUGUST 7 · Saw BLAKE LIVELY at Urth Cafe in Beverly Hills. Amazingly, she mistook ME for one of her friends and stopped me as I walked by and said, "Hello." She realized her error and was very sweet in apologizing. She's as pretty in person as she is on TV. · DYAN CANNON — all 90lbs of her — managed to waft/ tremble/ stumble into my abs class today at Equinox. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, that woman looks like the gorgeous Dyan Cannon, star of my all-time favorite and underrated Al Pacino movie Author! Author! But it can't be her because her surgically enhanced lips are bigger than my ass." While the instructor yelled at us during the "reverse crunch" series ("this targets LBF, people! Lower Back Fat! Nothing attractive about that!"), I determined that it was indeed her. Her body is 15, most of her face is 35, but her lips are just...wow. A very bad decision. Sort of criminal, really, that some surgeon would go through with that. Someone should hire her for something—but first demand she gets rid of the trout pout. · I saw WOODY ALLEN & SOON YI today at MOCA. He does not at all try to hide the fact that he's looking at you. Definitely a people watcher. SATURDAY, AUGUST 8 · While at the Eddie Izzard show at the Kodak, I spotted a very cheery CAMRYN MANHEIM. I always expect her to be in a foul mood but she seemed open and, dare I say, bubbly. As I was waiting for the show to start I felt the cold wave of hack comedy wash over the crowd. As I turn around, I see a T-shirt with a hacky comment and the unmistakable bleached bowl-cut of BRUCE VILANCH entering the room. Watching Izzard perform, Vilanch must have felt like a midget trying to guard Shaq. Hopefully it made him realize he should quit the business and leave the hackiness to butchers, golfers, and Dane Cook. SUNDAY, AUGUST 10 · I saw JOHN RZEZNIK of the Goo Goo Dolls getting his Polish on at Warszawa in Santa Monica. He was with some appropriately punk looking pals, pretty cool, having his pierogi. MONDAY, AUGUST 11 · It was the day of hot rocker boys of the 90’s at Equinox on Sunset. Saw DAVE NAVARRO and MARK MCGRATH. Dave’s always there, so that might not be much of a sighting. Mark got approached by some overeager fangirls and looked a bit confused, then scurried away. TUESDAY, AUGUST 12 · It was a celebrity smorgasbord at Nobu (Malibu) around 8:30pm: BRIAN GRAZER, PIERCE BROSNAN (looking fantastic!), CHRISTIAN SLATER (not so much) and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY (the usual). They were not all together as that would be just plain weird. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13 · Driving home from work last night (13 Aug) I passed MIA MICHAELS (So You Think You Can Dance) heading in the opposite direction (west - natch!) on the Santa Monica Blvd. at the Van Ness intersection. She drives something big and Jeep-like and black. Naughty lady was at the wheel and using her cellphone. Brazenly! But then, as we all know, celebs are above the law. · While waiting outside of my chiropractors office...I see CHRIS NOTH (aka, BIG) come out of "Miss Barry's Bootcamp". He was shirtless and glistening all over (having just finished being tortured by "Miss"). Anyway, he was very nice and did not seem to mind people checking him out (nice bod for an over 50 man). Needless to say my tiny little life got a lot bigger for a second. · It was a celebrity paradox at Poquito Mas on Cahuenga. First, we see a scruffy yet sexy JASON LEE eating with his son PILOT. He seemed like a typical father with him, very sweet, taking him to the bathroom, making sure he had enough nachos, etc. He had a FULL beard (Jason Lee, not the kid), but it kind of worked on him. Then, just minutes later, an absolutely adorable JENNY LEWIS walked in with a pal. They looked like two sweet high school girls. She and Jason Lee made the awkward "I'm famous and you're famous and we are kind of Silver Lakey-Eastsider cool" nod to each other and I couldn't help but think that they would be an adorable couple. A little too cool for school though, perhaps... THURSDAY, AUGUST 14 · NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and DAVID WALTON (from Quarterlife) are working up a sweat (separately) at Equinox on Sunset.

Still reeling from their recent poster contretemps with self-declared marketing genius Dane Cook, the crew at Lionsgate was quick to reclaim its edge with yet another shrewd move on behalf of Oliver Stone's forthcoming W. Having successfully leaped from the innovative "Shreveport Arrest Phase" to the "Benson-esque Trailer Phase" of its campaign, a new step-and-repeat poster onslaught has taken over Denver — host city of this month's Democratic National Convention. The art, viewable after the jump, features Josh Brolin doing his best imperious-child act beneath the tagline "A life misunderestimated"; we expect its GOP Convention analogue — perhaps with the flight-suited Commander-in-Chief grinning alongside the even more succinct slogan "Four more months" — to infiltrate Minneapolis-St. Paul by the end of next week.

Whoops: We bet the crew over at EW wishes they had a Time Turner right about now. Hot on the heels of Warner Bros.' announcement that they'll be spiriting Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to summer 2009, EW has released its fall 2008 movie preview featuring... Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Let's all agree to a Confundus Charm and pretend this never happened. [EW]

It was business as usual on the Brooklyn set of the popular CW series Gossip Girl as stars Leighton Meester and Blake Lively engaged in yet another catfight to boost cast and crew morale after a long and tiresome day of production. Meester and Lively feel like the occasional bout of hair-pulling and pillow fighting sets a good example for the other cast members and are reportedly encouraging their co-stars Taylor Momsen and Michelle Trachtenberg to follow suit. Lively said, "The grips and gaffers seem to get a real kick out of it which helps. The makeup people, not so much, but it really helps you get into the scene. Like a shot of adrenaline into the heart."

Overbearing hype aside, Inglorious Bastards really wouldn't be a Quentin Tarantino film unless he revived at least one moribund career in the process. Enter Mike Myers, who is now confirmed to play British Gen. Ed Fenech, "a military mastermind who takes part in hatching a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders." It's a relatively small part, we're now told, with Fenech featured on only seven pages — 29 lines total — recruiting a Nazi killer reportedly tailored for Simon Pegg, who has yet to be officially attached.Myers joins an ensemble that already includes Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and B.J. Novak, nudging the project ever closer to the unmarketable territory where Tarantino and Harvey Weinstein seem to flourish together. Moreover, we didn't expect Myers to do another non-comedy so soon after The Love Guru; that Halloween remake we pegged him for was something we presumed was at least a few years off, or at least well after Austin Powers 4. But when even Deepak Chopra is hating on you, some gambles are just more necessary than others. Good luck, Mike!

After releasing an initial set of publicity photos that were nothing more than a cruel tease, the CW has relented, cutting together a teaser trailer for the new 90210 that finally, finally gives the people what they've been waiting for: Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, sometimes even in the same frame! While we have to give the network kudos (we figured they'd merely tease the presence of the actresses as though they were the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park), we must again protest the severe lack of screen time for the performer we really want to see: Jessica Walter, who is essentially reprising her soused Lucille Bluth character from Arrested Development. Tell you what, CW: if you guys can promise to release a scene where a withering Walter sniffs at the snacking Jennie Garth and says, "You want your belt to buckle, not your chair," we'll call it even. [The CW]

As if second-generation Hollywood underdog Rumer Willis doesn't have enough to contend with living in the long shadows of her dazzlingly successful biological parents and a stepfather three years her junior, there's also those little life-obstacles thrown at her that could have just as easily been avoided. To wit: her name, one of the earliest and most egregious examples of the eccentric-celebrity-baby-naming trend that gripped the industry in the '90s and has yet to show any signs of letting up. We point as evidence towards such recent additions to the Weird Celebrity Baby-Name Registry as Sunday Kidman-Urban, Honor Alba-Warren, Birdie Phillipps (daughter of Freaks and Geeks star Busy), and the unabashedly onomatopoeic Phlbbbbbbfffft Simpson, the not-yet-born offspring of mother Ashlee. From Page Six:

Pussy-smashing brew-guzzler and occasional blogger Tucker Max is hard at work on the Shreveport, Louisiana set of his comedic masterpiece film debut I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. The ideal situation would obviously be for Tucker to produce, direct, star in, and cater the movie himself, but due to demands on his valuable time he's forced to take on lesser mortals as his assistants. One of whom, surprisingly, has now quit in disgust and forwarded along his story to us! After the jump, the sad tale of woe, abuse, and poop. But Tucker has a warning for you haters: "I didn't get where I am today by being a moron.": The young man was a Tucker fan, and quit a real job to go be a paid assistant on the set of Tucker's film, where we pick up his experiences: