· Nothing makes Olympic champion gymnast Shawn Johnson's taco pop like the zingy taste of Ortega salsa. Beat that, bro! [YouTube] · We'd like to introduce you now to Pixie Leah and Darth Wicket, who are both on the losing end of an intergalactic battle to retain their dignity. [YouTube] · We're concerned. Not only does Sarah Palin have limited governing experience, but she used to have come dribbles running down the side of her mouth! Just a heartbeat from the presidency, folks. [Perez Hilton] · The Peach Pit lives! [Eater LA] · And finally, some bittersweet news. Vulture editor Dan Kois is heading off into the sunset, and we'll no longer have regular and easy access to awesomeness like this. Farewell, Dan! You'll be missed. [Vulture]

Quick: name a beloved Southern California staple whose very name inspires cravings in even the heartiest of men! Yes, fine, we'll accept "Molly McAleer," but what we were really soliciting was "In-N-Out," the fast food franchise known for its delicious hamburgers and industrial-strength milkshakes. In this installment of your weekend To-Do's, Molls and life partner Edward hit up the local "In-N-Hang-Out" to fill you in on the hottest happenings this Labor Day weekend in Los Angeles. Tear apart a ketchup packet and join them after the jump, won't you?FRIDAY · Friday's Off the 405 at the Getty. · Melissa Etheridge at the Greek. · Hot Water Music at the El Rey. SATURDAY · Fuck Yeah! Fest at the Echo. · Tom Waits Bus Tour at Kind Edwards Saloon. · The Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theater. SUNDAY · Steel Pulse at the House of Blues. · Jack Johnson at UCLA. · Kevin Nealon at the Ice House.

If there's one thing we love about Defamer advertisers, it's how amenable they are to being obvious political tokens in our desperate bid to get control of the White House. Thanks guys! (Did we mention you're pretty smoking, too?) Want to be added to the ticket? Everything you need to know is right here. Special thanks to: Choke (Fox Searchlight), Cringe (Crown Publishing), How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (Paramount), Sobieski, Starwood Hotels, and Unscrew America

Maybe Barack Obama is a celebrity after all: According to the AP, more than 38 million viewers tuned in to watch the Democratic nominee's DNC speech last night. Even excepting the uncounted audience who tuned in via C-SPAN, PBS, or online, "Nielsen Media Research said more people watched Obama speak than watched the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, the final American Idol or the Academy Awards this year." If next week's Republican National Convention has got its work cut out for it, John McCain might want to start with a VP pick who's got more ratings power than the lead from 30 Rock. [AP]

As we wind down this half-day of posting before your Labor Day weekend—summer, she's nearly gone!—we thought we'd pack a little picnic basket for your beach retreats. Can you guess what the main course is? Of course you can! A delicious Dirt Sandwich, lovingly prepared by Defamer video lunchlady Molly McAleer ("One Jell-O per student, buster!"), and full of all the things you love: Mystery plastic surgery mummies! Celebrity sex clubs! American Idol judges in airborne vehicles frequently associated with fiery, accidental deaths! Just promise us you won't go in the water until a good half-hour after consuming. [Watch Video]

Production began last night on a pilot that a group of plucky producers hope will become the next big reality craze, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars. Combining elements from Bravo's Top Chef and Dancing With The Stars, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars is about discovering the celebrity with the greatest California Roll rolling ability. So far, the producers have only convinced two people to join the cast — veteran reality stalwarts Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry. When asked about his involvement with the pilot, Knight said, "Well, we saw a camera setting up down the street from our house and we were like, "We haven't been on TV in weeks and these lavalier mics are just collecting dust. Turns out the producers were looking for some top notch talent and kaboom! We're creating some TV magic. After this, we'll definitely be able to get a table at Nobu."

Small in Japan: It was bound to happen eventually: We've finally found the one country in the world where The Dark Knight is underperforming. Japanese moviegoers have reportedly bowed out of the global phenomenon, with TDK hovering around the equivalent of $8.7 million in its second week of release. In comparison, observers point to the film's $14 million take during the same frame in Korea, as well as Batman Begins' own $14 million Japanese opening three years ago. Why the plunge? Competition from Hayao Miyazaki's blockbuster Ponyo on the Cliff — currently sitting at $93 million after only a month in theaters — hasn't helped. Nor has its unrelenting heaviness, says one critic: "Japanese movie fans expect such films to be fun and action-packed, for the hero to be attractive, for the villain to be loud and outrageous, and for the movie itself to be easy to understand and light." At least that should brighten post-Hulk spirits at Marvel: Iron Man opens in Japan on Sept. 20. [Film Junk via /film]

· 2008's summer box office has exceeded all expectations. Go get drunk! It's on Hollywood! [THR] · Fox has pushed up the release of Australia two weeks to November 26 to give Baz Luhrmann the time required to finish the film. What say you, Nicole Kidman in a jaunty hat and polka dot kerchief? She approves! [Variety] · After the Burn After Reading boys packed up and sailed off, this year's smaller-scale Venice Film Festival feels kind of...meh? [Variety] · A Nielsen study reveals TV audiences are growing older, with the "55-plus age bracket" by far the fastest-expanding demo. You know what that means: A Big Brother: All Old Farts Edition is on its way! [Variety] · A John Lennon early-life biopic called Nowhere Man, directed by visual artist Sam Taylor-Wood and written by the same screenwriter as Control, is currently casting and in pre-production. [THR]

Nobody rocks an afterparty like dependable character actor Sam Rockwell rocks an afterparty. Along with his Choke director Clark Gregg, the Galaxy Quest star didn't even wait for the club's DJ to arrive before getting the post-screening dance party started. In between showing off some hot dance moves, Rockwell said, "People don't dance enough these days. It's fun. Oh no, the DJ in my head is just laying down the phattest beats right now." Gregg chimed in with a chant of "Rock Lobster!" as the two sauntered onto an empty dance floor. After a few moments and a few more classic jams from Rockwell's mental DJ, the dance floor remained empty. Rockwell said, "Nobody likes to show up to a party on time. Come back in ten minutes or so and it'll be packed."

Our skepticism regarding the five-month turnaround on W. was founded as much in Lionsgate's potential to move the marketing as it was in Oliver Stone's curious capacity to work that fast. And while we're not necessarily wrong yet, this new, pre-GOP Convention clip making the rounds hints that the whole thing may come together yet — as a date movie! Who knew? Follow the jump for a glimpse at the introduction of librarian Laura Welch to future husband and president George Bush Jr. ("Call me anything but 'Junior'") — two drawling souls joined forever in what's since been recognized the Backyard BBQ Come-On Heard 'Round the World. Awww! [YouTube via Spout]

Swashbuckling super star Orlando Bloom boldly announced to New York City that he's the proud owner of a motorcycle on Thursday afternoon. Bloom spent over five minutes reviving up the motor's engine while waiting for girlfriend, Miranda Kerr, to come downstairs. Once the Victoria's Secret model finally arrived, Bloom helped his sweetie put on her helmet. Kerr asked Bloom about his brand new chopper, but she was quickly corrected. Bloom said, "It's not a chopper, baby. It's an urban motorcycle. Hey, do I look like a tough guy yet?" Kerr shook her head "No" and added that he should incorporate more leather and denim into his outfit.

After helping to define Hell itself over six seasons of Silver Spoons, fledgling director Ricky Schroder is taking his first-hand experience to the Sci-Fi Channel for the action epic Hellhounds — a 500 B.C. throwback about a Greek warrior who battles "the hellhounds of Hades" to get his wife out of the Underworld. He's even going to sacrifice his Labor Day weekend to do it, schlepping all the way to Romania as we speak to start production Sunday. See? That's why he's Ricky Schroder and you aren't. And the guy has more than paid his dues beyond that, acknowledging a patient two-decade wait in his producers' Auteur Stable before finally getting saddled up for a ride:

Art-eschewing, mainstream-tentpole- project-maker Brett Ratner's love for the video game sensation known as the Guitar Hero knows no bounds. His obsession with the instrument sim and its groupie-nailing expansion packs stems back to his formative years at NYU film school, when he'd busk in Washington Square Park, playing as many Police songs as he could using the four notes he was capable of eliciting from a harmonica. The first time he picked up Hero, it gave him the same quaternary musical thrill ("Smoke on the Water," for example, became a four-color kaleidoscopic "red red blue/green green blue blue/red red green/ yelllooowww"), and he since has gone about incorporating the game into many of his smaller projects—everything from Miley Cyrus videos to Mariah Carey videos. But an actual Guitar Hero movie? He'd love a crack, he told MTV Multiplayer:

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to what's new, noteworthy and potentially nausea-inducing this week at the movies. We're as shocked as anyone to see another bottleneck for wide releases, with five films vying for scarce holiday dollars before studios roll out their fall collections. Alas, there they are — only one dumpee can finish on top, and our overeducated guess follows below. We've also got a hunch over who stands to lose big, our regular underdog pick for your consideration, and the best of the best new DVD releases for you three-day-weekend homebodies. As always, our choices are our own but positively elegant in their accuracy. You're welcome! WHAT'S NEW: For the second consecutive week, what isn't new? But more to the point, what's new that you actually want to see? The Summer of the R-rated Comedy tapers off with College, which will battle Disaster Movie in the lowest-common-denominator category. Hamlet 2 expands to 1,500 screens, hoping to find some traction in the mudslide that was its lackluster limited opening last Friday. Among smaller films, look for Brian Cox to avenge his murdered dog in the haunting Red, while Czech Oscar-winner Jiri Menzel returns after 20 years with I Served the King of England and the '90s art-scene aftermath gets a once-over in the doc Beautiful Losers. Finally — and somewhat amazingly — a franchise is born with Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!.THE BIG LOSER: Babylon A.D. may yet outmaneuver Tropic Thunder for the week's top box-office spot; it should tip $15 million for the four-day frame, probably just sneaking by Ben Stiller's comedy by less than $1 million. That's the "good news" — if underperforming by about 20% is still considered good. The failures don't stop there, however; to the extent it's remembered at all, Babylon A.D. will always have the distinction of being the film that ended loose-lipped Matthieu Kassovitz's directing career in America, sucker-punched Vin Diesel back into franchise submission and jammed a red-ink exclamation point on Fox's underachieving (if not disastrous) summer. Still, they'll always have the silver lining of ambition — this kind of implosion requires a rare chemistry you shouldn't take for granted. Just wear sunglasses and stand way, waaayyyy back.

· After Al Roker does lines all night, he's primed to give you the best lube job of your life. [Today] · PhelpsWatch: Add an Entourage cameo to his SNL hosting gig. We're thinking possible Lloyd love interest, but we don't want to get our hopes up. [Us] · Half of the 59 rape charges against Anand Jon have been dropped. [Waxword] · Here's just a tiny glimpse of the massive gold Kate Moss sculpture—the largest "since ancient Egypt"—soon to go on display at the British Museum. Quick! Where's that giant Studio 54 coke spoon? [CNN.com] · Sexy People: A Celebration of the Perfect Portrait is our current favorite time-killer. Check out the cousins. [Sexy People] · POW! Right in the kisser. Do you have a celebrity shiner fetish? Well here's some porn. [Holy Taco]

For every Steven Spielberg flinging a Democratic National Convention short film out the limo window on his way to his cabin retreat in the Rockies, we're learning there are a few dozen other filmmakers scavenging the floor of the convention hall with cameras and about two hours' sleep. Such is the spirit of democracy (or something — don't ask) fueling the makers of Convention, who have seemingly been everywhere at once this week trailing delegates, pols and pundits alike. And they're not the only ones winding down their routines tonight as Barack Obama's speech closes the event; Mayor of the Sunset Strip director George Hickenlooper is hanging around with his cousin, Denver mayor John Hickenlooper, and Amy Rice and Alicia Sams are neck-deep in their top-secret, Ed Norton-backed documentary following the Obama campaign. We hope they enjoyed the goodwill, because we're also hearing that the folks overseeing next week's GOP Convention in Minneapolis may do things a little differently:

Heavily Vetted: Though rumors are flying about the vice presidential pick that candidate John McCain is set to announce tomorrow morning, it seems that The Hills ingenue Heidi Montag has already let the cat out of the bag. "I am McCain's vice president!" the avowed Republican exclaimed to OK!, adding, "Go team!" Montag is a dark horse candidate to be sure, though in boyfriend Spencer Pratt, she comes with her very own Karl Rove figure. While Lauren, Lo, and Audrina have the most to lose from this possible vice presidency, they're not the only ones likely to greet this news by barricading themselves behind the banquettes at Boulevard 3. In a McCain/Montag administration, you see, we will all be prisoners of war. [OK!]

RumerWatch. Whore star Rumer Willis gets more work! She's been cast in an episode of Lifetime's Army Wives set to air October 12, in which she'll play "the wife of a soldier who has been injured in Iraq." Congratulations, Rumer Willis! [TV Guide]

Though MTV isn't always respectful of its own history, it can usually be counted on to remember one thing: a VMAs ceremony is nothing without a memorable kiss. Whether it's Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley or Madonna and Britney Spears, celebrity-on-celebrity Frenching is an absolute must if the network hopes to draw buzz through umpteen rebroadcasts the following week. Luckily, one of this year's biggest songs — "I Kissed a Girl" — gives MTV just the opportunity it needs. Says E!'s Marc Malkin:

After a bit of a false start, the SoHo apartment where Heath Ledger died last January is apparently back on the rental market. And what a deal can be had at $26,000 per month — an increase of more than 20% over Ledger's $22,000 monthly rent after moving in last September. Steep! But again, these are post-Dark Knight dollars, and the mythology premium is good for at least 10% over the usual bump you see around the neighborhood. Just ask a broker!