Only slighlty scarier than celebrities making art is the thought of celebrities as art. The latest Worth1000 Photoshop contest imagines would it might look like if Picasso and others had the opportunity to be modern-day starfuckers. We bet that Brad Pitt's house is full of these, and if it isn't, it will be by the end of the week.
Just in time to give his meticulously-controlled image a final hetero spit-shine before the opening of Collateral this Friday (was Pat Kingsley this heavy-handed when she was running the show?), Tom Cruise tells the world, "I Love Women!" Cruise effuses on his 100% straight love of the gender that is born with vaginas, [Ed.note—No, silly, you probably can't have the sewn-on kind. Although he's probably so secure in his heterosexuality he wouldn't be threatened by you in the least!]:
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer and tell you-know-who that he could probably stand to hit the gym once in a while—and when he does, you'll tell us all about it.
· Comedy Central keeps Dave Chappelle on basic cable with a shitload of cash, a share in his DVD sales, and picture deals with the net's sister company, Paramount. It's a lot harder for absurdly well-coiffed Viacom co-pres Les Moonves to pull any of that CSI-style firing stuff when it's called Chappelle's Show. We will refrain from adapting any of Chappelle's Rick James catch phrases to humiliate Moonves, who can destroy any of us with just a thought. [THR]
· Don't fuck with Mike Ovitz: Former employee Cathy Schulman asks for $4 million in a wrongful termination lawsuit, ends up having to pay him $3.6 mil. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
Sure, we've been going a bit crazy with labeling things lately, but this time it's genuinely instructive. Here's where we stand with the things recently noticed on Paris Hilton's body:
Page Six gives a shout-out to its (probably outraged) readers for pointing out a little boo-boo that potentially could have ruined Beverly Hills Chinese joint Mr. Chow's health rating:
Boing Boing points us to this list of celebrity Scientologists. Surely you remember Scientology? It used to be the hot Hollywood "religion" until a Madonna-powered Kabbalah rolled up and rendered L. Ron's gang the mouth-breathing, red-headed stepchild of cults inclusionary spiritual inspiration societies. Now any wannabes looking to network through their cult-y contacts better rock the red string instead of open their wallets to chase away thetans.
The bloodthirsty gossips at the Data Lounge are aflame with debate about accused Catherine Zeta Jones stalker Dawnette Knight. Is she the Beverly Hills "high class ho" with "college degrees" that "speaks three languages" and whose lawyer is secretly being paid for by Michael Douglas? Or is she a "Diamond Caliber Penthouse Panther skank HO" who's as "insane as Charles Manson"? Who knows, but the Data Lounge boards make for some truly great reading. We'll just have to trust the justice system to get to the bottom of the "high class ho" versus "skank ho" flap, once Knight wakes up from her nap and her trial continues.
—Dumb, young celebrities getting matching tattoos never ends badly. Never. Nick got "Paris," and they don't know what Paris got. A target?
—Remember those pics of "Frodo gone wild" in Prague? It turns out that the Czech Republic isn't quite the Disneyland we all thought it was, where a striped-shirted Hobbit could party his face off without repercussions.
—Zach Braff has a blog for Garden State. Here's to hoping he doesn't become the first blogger to get laid, but we're probably too late. Everyone's saying he's broken the blogging celibacy streak with Natalie Portman.
—LasagnaFarm continues its one-handed tallying of the sex acts of Six Feet Under.
—After avoiding the Neverland Ranch's perilous Black-Van-Go-Round and the Magical Bed of Handsy Sleepovers, a 15-year-old boy hurts himself when his ATV flips over.
—All-purpose LA malcontent Richard Rushfield changes the name of his blog once again (this time, to "Don Ricardo's Casa de Media"), then bends the latest issue of GQ over the magazine rack for the glossy buggering it so richly deserves.
Submitted for your examination: The June 2004 cover of celebrity reciprocal-handjob rag Interview, and the cover of the Aug. 19th issue of Rolling Stone, where she's looking a lot less chesty. Did Lindsay Lohan get—gasp gasp—a breast reduction? OK, maybe not. But she did tell RS that "if you say you're a Democrat, that'll turn off Republicans, and that's half of your fan base," so maybe she's trying to be everything to everybody. Give the breast men something one month, and then throw a bone to fans that like their teen queens with a little less on top. So savvy at such a young age, but God, those new, small breasts are totally fake!
Defamer is committed to bringing you the minute-to-minute status of Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst's recently-disintegrated relationship and then feeling vaguely dirty about it afterward. The ex-couple were just spotted at Joan's on Third and briefly discussed their love life with the restaurant's owner. Jake was overheard saying that "Things are constantly changing. We love each other very much."
The Defamer correspondent on Geeks Imitating Hollywood Pomp With D-List Fodder sends us this first-person account of G-phoria, the video game awards show held Saturday night at the Shrine. It's nice to see that gobbling enough Trimspa to down a pachyderm didn't drain away Anna Nicole Smith's (at left, merrily pictured in a staged "wardrobe malfunction") joie de vivre along with the excess pounds. That lady is a firecracker!
The Superficial has a couple of sets of photos of Paris Hilton's mystery bruises, which the NY Post reports she suffered at the hands of recently dumped boy-bander Nick Carter. Only Paris, Nick, a possible roomful of bystanders, and whatever minor demon to whom Carter signed over his pretty soul for brief fame really know what happened. We'd just like to note that the little patch on her ass (birth control, we're assured) was a brilliant distraction from the unsightly bruises. A lesser celebutante would have spackled on some concealer and walled herself inside the mansion until she healed.
· In the crime of the century, former FX employee accused of wiretapping the cable network's offices in order to monitor the weekly executive staff meetings at FX. Oh, to be a fly on the wall listening to basic cable power brokers! "Should we go with the muffler ad or the one for the falafel shop at the act break of that Ally McBeal rerun? Fuck it, I'm feeling a little crazy. We're going with Cerritos Shoe Repair!" [THR]
· More Like 20 Acres and a Medium-Sized Dog: Spike Lee's 40 Acres and a Mule production company undergoes "tactical retrenchment," closing their L.A. offices and downsizing in their Brooklyn headquarters. We're sure the problems are temporary, as cinematic masterwork She Hate Me fills Lee's pockets with fresh capital. [THR]
· Keira Knightley signs on for action thriller Domino, based on the life of Ford model turned bounty hunter Domino Harvey. Hopefully, New Line Cinema will accept the lovely actress just as she is and refrain from Photoshopping a pair of stripper tits onto Knightley's one-sheet. [THR]
· Variety sums up the dorktastic Comic-Con's industry appeal with a pair of extremely cute, rhyming headlines: "Geek chic" and "H'wood corrals nerd herd." [Variety, sub. req'd]
We never doubted you, we promise. The resolution of our little e-mail problem revealed that you'd generously sent us a picture of Vincent Gallo's cinematic blowjob before we'd even asked. There's so much love welling up in our coal-black heart that we're going to need a moment alone. If you'd like to enjoy this photo without the helpful diagram, click on the image.
UPDATE: Everything is back to normal with the e-mail. You can all go back to using tips@defamer.com, pretending that your marriage is just going through a "bumpy period," and that that rash will go away on its own. Thanks for bearing with us!
Has anyone seen the new billboard for The Brown Bunny on Sunset by the Chateau Marmont? You know, the one where Chloe Sevigny is fellating Vincent Gallo? Rush & Molloy have an item on the new ad, which is trying to sell tickets by screaming "Hey! Look! I got someone to blow me on camera! Aren't 'art' films great?"
The results from the post-convention weekend:
—Why is Colin Farrell such a grumpy Gus?
—Which turns Christian Slater on more: London strip clubs or getting lap dances while wearing a Nixon mask? [via BWE]
—Guess we missed this in the morning: Producer/billionaire/Liz Hurley impregnator Stephen Bing's got a buddy who's a mob hitman. Fuss is being made because Bing donates gobs of cash to the Kerry campaign. Hey, we didn't see nothin'. Get it? We're afraid he'll kill us.
—Extremely disgruntled assistant tries to eBay the boss's baby clothes.
