· One of the many disturbing passages in today's AP profile of Dakota Fanning: "Besides DeNiro, Dakota has worked with an impressive list of actors: Sean Penn in 'I Am Sam,' Denzel Washington in 'Man on Fire,' Brittany Murphy in 'Uptown Girls.'" Once Fanning manages to land a role opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar, she can retire knowing she's shown her chops to all the greats.
· No punchline required: DeGeneres Launches Campaign To Find Reid a Man
· We're sure that if you look hard enough, you can find us somewhere in the list of Chickenhead's Absolute Bottom 50 Blogs, probably somewhere between EmotionallyStuntedPolemicist.com and CelebrityBungLeech.com.
· Note to Michael Jackson trial prosecutors: Make sure that you fingerprint the potentially incriminating pornography before you bring it to court.
· We watched Paula Abdul on the Daily Show, too, and couldn't help but wonder why she was so distractingly twitchy and kept repeating Jon Stewart's words. Drugs are always the easy explanation, but we sense a deeper pathology at work this time.

· Rhino Records hosts screenings at 5, 7, and 9 pm of a film of what they call the "Holy Grail of in-stores," Nirvana's 1989 appearance at the record shop. Better show up early; if the newly corpulent version of Courtney Love turns up, there might not be much room for true fans.
· Hem and David Mead play the Troubadour, an event our "cool" intern scoffs at thusly: "Boring corporate white dudes in their thirties are stoked." We think David Mead's a great songwriter, and we're totally not "corporate" even though our evil boss owns a worldwide, multinational blogging empire.
· David Israel reads and signs Behind Everyman: A Novel for Guys and the Women Who Rescue Them at Book Soup. Sounds like a great place to pick up chicks!

A spy reports on the Q & A following last night's Back to the Future screening at the ArcLight, which featured a no-show by the series' director that was nearly redeemed by the appearance of Marty McFly's girlfriend from the first installment..until the actress bummed out the crowd with that most reliable of buzzkillers, the cancer anecdote:

When agents aren't sawing logs in first class or going wild at Sundance and bribing women into becoming their drunken, lap-dancing slaves, they're busy infuriating their bosses by banging their married, same-sex co-workers. Page Six tantalizes with this blind item:

When an e-mail with the subject line reading "R&B Singer Houston Gouges Eye Out After Apparent Suicide Attempt," our first thought was, "Holy shit, that Bobby Brown reality show on Bravo is going to be the greatest thing ever!" Many of you are probably way ahead of us on this one, but we followed a link to the story and were left incredibly disappointed when we discovered a completely different Houston was involved. (If you've got a high tolerance for the disgusting, there's a picture of Houston's eye injury here. You've been warned.)

We don't know a lick of Spanish, but somehow the latest edition of ¡Mira! really, really spoke to us. Not even the disapproving stare of the woman at the cash register could prevent us from making our first-ever supermarket tabloid purchase.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Leonardo DiCaprio wears a matching tracksuit while eating soup.

· MGM picks its final four films before their new masters at Sony take over. Strangely, one of the chosen films is Breaking Vegas, a directing vehicle for Brett Ratner. Wouldn't it have been less painful to burn down the place before Sony gets to run the show? [Variety]
· Tina Fey will write the script for and star in an NBC pilot about "the head writer of a SNL-like variety show, focusing on her efforts to control a volatile star and executive producer." Don't stretch yourself too much, Tina. [THR]
· Ray director Taylor Hackford seems to know he's got no shot at actually winning the Oscar, as he signs up to direct Jerry Bruckheimer's "West Wing at the Pentagon" pilot E-Ring. [THR]
· Aspiring actors willing to do anything for your careers, take heart: unionizing casting directors have decided not to strike, and are still willing to accept your sexual favors in return for a break. [Variety]
· American Idol's huge ratings continue to distract everyone from thinking about how horrible the rest of Fox's schedule is. [Variety]

Variety is reporting that Drew Barrymore has dumped Endeavor agent Patrick Whitesell for another go-around with the folks at CAA. Wow, this has been a really rough patch for Whitesell and Endeavor, who lost Jennifer Lopez last week. What's going on over there? Did Whitesell mistakenly forward an e-mail about which of his clients' big asses were costing them work to everyone in his address book? While he's doing a B.O. check and wondering what's driving away his A-list ladies, here's another important question that he and Agent Dance patron saint Ari Emanuel (pictured) can ponder: What do they need to do to get rid of Ben Affleck?

You may remember that NBC-Universal head/fading golden boy Jeff Zucker recently agreed to show his acting chops and poke some fun at his image by guest-starring as himself in the upcoming Kirstie Alley trainwreck Fat Actress. Now Zucker's tumbling down the slippery slope of pop-culture punchlines, as his name has been appropriated for a TV network president character in a WB sitcom pilot fittingly named Nobody's Watching. (If your mind isn't yet sufficiently blown, the pilot was originally developed at NBC. Oh, the balls!) Unfortunately, the WB is expected to change the name if the show makes the schedule, but we sincerely hope that "Zeff Jucker's" essence as a once-proud programming world-beater who's watching his Must-See empire crumble around him is left intact. Also, he's still bald and short.

What's with this sudden impulse by our favorite filmmakers from the 70s to urinate all over their cinematic legacies? Last week, we were appalled to hear that Martin Scorcese and Robert DeNiro were kicking around ideas for a Taxi Driver sequel (sample dialogue: "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? No, really, are you? I've got a touch of the Alzheimer's and I can't remember if you were talking to me or not just now. Who are you again? Cats are nice."), and this morning we found out that Francis Ford Coppola and the gang are about to release a Godfather video game, complete with Brando-on-his-deathbed voiceovers. And we'll assume that James Caan's involvement was procured with the dangling of a shiny, five-dollar bill.

Rejoice, all ye Adelphia subscribers, hardcore porn will soon be a mere button-press away! The LAT goes deep inside the cable company's decision to deliver all the on-demand video sex your wrists can handle, even taking care to explain what all those confusing X's mean:

· Towleroad continues its comprehensive coverage of all developments in the timeline of gay cowboy epic Brokeback Mountain by filling in the blanks in some screenshots from its "cockteaser trailer."
· Words fail us when trying to describe the mangled mess that's replaced Jackie Stallone's face, but we'll take a crack at describing it as "watery Play-doh."
· The Tinseltown Tattle-Tale drops by Funnsylvania for a little gossip session...why aren't we getting these hot scoops?
· Edward Furlong can't shut up about lobsters: "Lobsters, they are great spirits and they need to roam free." Especially if you're shitfaced at the time you realize that lobster liberation is such a lofty goal.
· Disney is opening an entire unit dedicated to the skillful knocking-off of their Pixar collaborations.

· Writer/producer Bob Gale and actor Christopher Lloyd will do the Q&A thing following a screening of Back to the Future at the ArcLight. That should be at least one-point-twenty-one-jigawatts of entertainment value.
· The first Res screening of the year takes place at the Egyptian tonight, with new videos for Interpol, Fatboy Slim and Dizzee Rascal. And did we mention there's an after-party?
· ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead brings their aggressive live show and unwieldy moniker to Cinespace. If you buy one of their CDs at a list of approved indie record stores (i.e., not Tower or Virgin), you get a free pass to the show.

We never thought we'd say this, but we're starting to feel pity for Tara Reid. Apparently feeling guilty for getting tricked over and over again by the NY Post, her publicist is marching her in front of any journalist willing to listen about how very hard she's trying to change her party-girl image. Here's Reid telling the AP about her arduous preparation for her genius anthropologist role in Alone in the Dark.

When we saw this map of the sex-offender danger lurking perilously close to Disneyland, we wondered if the Megan's Law website could help us find a safer place in California where concerned parents could bring their children.

Well, shit, if you're going to light him like that, how can you not give him a lifetime achievement award?

Sure, yesterday a publicist confirmed to People mag that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth officially parted company, but we never believe that couples are truly done exploring the career benefits of a high-profile celebrity union until they start showing up to parties without their erstwhile bed-buddies. Says a reader:

This, my friends, is what we call a teaser:

It seems that a prankster has squatted on the domain uweboll.com to send a message to director Uwe Boll, the fauxteur behind the Tara-Reid-as-genius-anthropologist abomination Alone in the Dark. Visitors to the site see the above words preceded by the greeting "dear dr boll" in the page's title. Sadly, we doubt that even the most well-intentioned of pranks will stop Reid from continuing to get acting gigs.