defamer

Bennifer II: The Marriaging

mark · 06/30/05 12:26PM

Are those wedding bells we hear, or the sound of the rockets of celebrity-marriage annihilation whistling through the air, ready to destroy the media over the coming Fourth of July weekend? It's hard to tell, the sounds are surprisingly similar. In any case, US Weekly reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner tied the proverbial, probably temporary knot yesterday on the Caribbean islands of Turks and Caicos, saving the couple's much-rumored baby from technical bastardhood. And we hate to be crass on such a happy occasion, but we really hope that Affleck didn't mar the ceremony by whipping out the Benitals when the priest asked for the ring, for such antics have no place on the altar.

Short Ends: Backstreet Boy Sent To Rehab

mark · 06/29/05 07:06PM

· An Orange County judge has sentenced Backstreet Boy Nick Carter to rehab. Does anyone else smell a totally awesome reality show?
· "Lindsay Lohan is a 16 year old girl who just happens to be living her dream! She has siblings and leads a regular life aside from doing her job even down to hanging with friends, seeing movies, and DATING!" Looks like Lohan's official Yahoo discussion group (it's linked from her official site, or one of them, anyway) hasn't been updated in a while. Please share a communal, knowing chuckle about innocence lost.
· Bloggy McBlogalot reveals Martha Stewart's Apprentice catch-phrase. Maybe we're biased, but we still prefer the elegant simplicity of "Bite the doily."
· Why are we getting all of our Chris Tucker news from Gavin Newsome?

World Now Safe For 9-11 In Movies

mark · 06/29/05 06:20PM

Today's release of War of the Worlds, which inserts images that recall the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attacks into perhaps the most commercial movie of the summer, signals that it's now officially safe for Hollywood to start invoking the tragedy without inspiring outrage or protests from those still coping with psychic wounds. In fact, it's now so safe that even the director of The Fast and the Furious is now free to tie 9-11 into his new movie about a robot plane that gains a mind of its own when struck by lightning. From the LAT:

Charting The Pain Of 'The Comeback'

mark · 06/29/05 03:45PM


We're still not entirely sold on The Comeback, since we prefer unrelenting torture heaped onto characters we'd like to have sex with but will never possess (see the entire female cast of Party of Five). Still, there's something compelling about the constant, humiliating showbiz paper-cuts visited upon the thoroughly unlikeable, sitcom Job represented by Valerie Cherish. Our pal at Feh has conveniently translated Cherish's pain into chart form. Fun!

Trade Round-Up: DiCaprio Not Slowed By Brutal Bottling

mark · 06/29/05 02:35PM

· Var loves cute, extended metaphors: WOTW "wages six day War," "invading" nearly 4,000 screens. Who even knew Tom Cruise had a movie coming out? [Variety]
· Carsey-Werner's Tom Werner might be looking for a rebound hook-up with Mandalay Mosaic TV. Drunken, lustful late-night phonecalls to follow. [THR]
· Not even a bottle to the head can slow Leonardo DiCaprio's career, as the healing actor is in negotiations to play a smuggler in The Blood Diamond for Warner Bros. [Variety]
· A record 32 films have crossed the $100 million threshold in the past twelve months? But what about The Slump? We suspect someone is fudging the Euro-to-dollar conversion rates. [THR]
· Unafraid of the Curse of Jeff Zucker, TV production unit Tollins/Robbins sets up a deal to develop and produce for NBC Universal TV Studio. [Variety]

The Morning Cruise: Close Encounters Of The Tom Kind

mark · 06/29/05 01:50PM


Any morning Cruise round-up worth its Sea Org salt must begin with Banterist's Cruise-inspired Xbox controller. What, no "disparage psychiatric pseudo-science" button? That must be mapped to one of the unseen trigger buttons underneath.
· What's it like to travel around the world on the WOTW tour with Cruise? One brave reporter finds out.
· What's it like to be trapped in an elevator with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at last night's BET Awards? One brave reader reports:

The Loneliness Of The Long-Distance Moonwalker

mark · 06/29/05 12:30PM


While the world does its best to bite the towel of acceptance and endure the existential Brazilian wax it received in Michael Jackson's acquittal, we must strive to remember the silent victims—the MJ impersonators who lurk near the Chinese Theater and the countless others who share this regrettable vocation. A reader snapped this pic of a lonely Jacko near Hollywood and Highland, who can only watch in impotent dread as tourist attention forsakes him for Darth Vader and a minion. The crushed, ersatz Jacko's body language suggests that he realizes that no fake Jesse Jackson will appear to offer counsel in this time of spiritual crisis.

The Slump: The 'Cinderella Man' Money-Back Guarantee

mark · 06/29/05 11:30AM

As The Slump deepens, theaters are trying desperation tactics (discounts, lame "all Smiths and Herbies get in free!" promotions, etc etc) to lure the public's indifferent heinies into their stadium seats. The WSJ reports that theater chain AMC is so exasperated with the underperformance of the once Oscar-baiting, now bonafide flop Cinderella Man that they're offering a refund to anyone who doesn't like the treacly cinematic stylings of Ron Howard:

Roy Mauling Still Unsolved

mark · 06/29/05 10:30AM

The AP obtained the Dept. of Agriculture's final, inconclusive report investigating the tragicomic tiger mauling of Roy Horn. The real reason why the white Bengal attacked his sequined-bedecked master still remains a mystery, but some of the more "popular" theories were either ruled out or no evidence proving them was discovered:

Short Ends: The Return Of Vincent Gallo's 'Stunt Double'

mark · 06/28/05 07:04PM

· All that is required for the triumph of War of the World screening evil is that good men be silent. Or that unpopular women in funny hats make a ruckus.
· Everything you ever wanted to know about Vincent Gallo's (alleged) Stunt Cock, but were afraid to ask. Now you know why fear is often a good thing.
· Here's some video (see the "fan videos" at the right of the page) of Chris Tucker's recent arrest for driving 120 mph in a zone with state troopers who begrudgingly admire his acting skills.
· Tom Cruise Vs. The Nazi Menace!
· For some reason, we just can't make ourselves believe that Angelina Jolie is pregnant, especially when there are so many adorable Cambodian babies needing homes.
· Blogging superstar/Trekugee Wil Wheaton gets deeply probed by the geeks of Slashdot.

IMDb Rides The Butterscotch Stallion

mark · 06/28/05 06:30PM

While we're inclined to throw the laptop out the window and declare that IMDb's sanctioning of Owen Wilson's nickname means our work is finally done, we realize that there are always new steeples to vault. We shall not rest until the dream is fully realized. A flash of our modest, yet greedy, fantasy is after the jump.

To Do: Slam, OoohLahs, Res

mark · 06/28/05 05:20PM

· The Manhattan Monologue Slam returns to Ivar tonight to fill all of your monologue-slamming needs. Admission is free, and tonight's all-star panel of judges includes writer James Gunn, director James Foley, Jenna "The American Office" Fischer, and The Immortal One, Andy Dick.
· Tuesday's Brief Music Listing: OohLas at the Silverlake Lounge, Backyard Babies at the Troubadour.
· Tonight's the monthly Res screening at the Egyptian, featuring new videos from Bloc Party, the Chemical Brothers, and Beck. Once the screening portion is over, there's the opportunity to stumble to a short distance for after-party booze.

The Afternoon Cruise: Red Carpets, Motorcycles, And Manly, Manly Hugs

mark · 06/28/05 04:08PM


On days like today, the media-sensation-made-flesh known as Tom Cruise uses his mastery over the universe to defy our best efforts to contain his exploits in a single morning round-up. Above, our friends at Open All Night document last night's War of the Worlds premiere in LA, where Cruise terrorized the crowd by riding a motorcycle up and down the red carpet and aggressively hugging Will Smith. Fake-adoring fake-spouse-to-be Katie Holmes stood nearby and smiled in approval, probably glad to be momentarily free of Cruise's death-clinch.
· TV Newser reports that publicists pressured Today producers to edit Cruise's now-infamous sparring match with Matt Lauer. If what we saw was the edited version, the mind boggles at what psychiatry-baiting madness wound up on the cutting room floor.
· A reader e-mailed to tell us that "Tom Likes A He" is an anagram of "Katie Holmes." We don't know what that's supposed to mean, nor do we know what an anagram is. Is it like a female engram?
· Cruise holds forth on his favorite drug on The Early Show: "Jess, it's a point of, you look at something and you go OK. I've been on the other side of that, when people's lives have been torn apart, where you talk about suicides, where we're looking at now Ritalin is street drug; it's a study drug, because it's an amphetamine. Look, you don't have to believe me. I'm just saying, look at the data and where does that data come from?"
· Yes, we have seen that e-mail going around that claims that a certain crazy-in-fake-love person often discussed in this space and another person were caught doing certain things by a concerned third party. And no, we don't think the e-mail is authentic. This concludes our Cruise coverage for at least the next fifteen to twenty minutes.

Hollywood Isn't Out Of Ideas

mark · 06/28/05 02:35PM

Whenever we see a story in the trades announcing yet another studio remake of an old movie or TV show, we tend to derisively lead our link to the item with "Hollywood Out of Ideas" (a tic which is, we suppose, nothing if not an indictment of our own lack of creativity). We apologize for our wrongheaded, sky-is-falling declaration of an idea deficit in the entertainment industry, for Patrick Goldstein's column in today's LAT demonstrates that there is, if anything, a surplus of fresh ideas in Hollywood. Unfortunately, much of the innovation happening around the studios is being directed to film executives' cutting-edge rationalizations for shitty remakes:

Trade Round-Up: Before They Were Untouchable

mark · 06/28/05 01:15PM

· It's technically not another remake for The New Paramount™, but doing a prequel to The Untouchables doesn't exactly reek of original thought, either. We really hope they find a way to work in a flashback of young Capone bashing one of his third-grade classmates with a youth-sized baseball bat. [Variety]
· The Supreme Court upholds an FCC ruling that cable companies don't have to open up their high-speed internet infrastructure to competitors. Congratulations to you if you've made it all the way to this sentence, for you're now officially bored. [THR]
· Financial considerations force NBC and Imagine's to "rethink" their 9/11 miniseries, as the partners cite the difficulty of making the project less expensive, but more exploitative. [Variety]
· The Miss America pageant just wants you to know that its move to CMT is not nearly as desperate as it seems, OK? It's, um, strategic! [THR]
· Disney and Dolby apply incredible 3-D technology to the goal of making animated chickens seem more lifelike. [Variety]