The Oscars are in six days, and while only a very few ever win that statue, the stars have your Academy Awards after the jump. Time to buy a gown.

Congress stepped in to ensure your bubby's old Hitachi still receives snowy episodes of All My Children, but you have been given a similar window of opportunity to rethink your life and poor eating habits.

Some special groundhog in Pennsylvania saw his shadow today, but it's that greasy otter in West Hollywood who you're worried about. Hooking up with him was a mistake, but he's wriggling into your love forecast.

With the Lunar New Year dropping, rebirth is in the air and you have a chance to revise some New Year's resolutions. Lose 15 pounds? Make that 5. Find peace? More like, find a job.

Most of America has today off, but the stars never stop working on your future. Granted, the constellations might occasionally take a long lunch to return a dress, but they always feel guilty about it.

Are you sad having been left out of all the awards excitement? Now you know how Kate Winslet once felt. Don't worry, we have something for you. Accept your honor after the jump.

Regardless of your New Year's party indiscretions, the possibilities are still endless for 2009. Maybe cut back on the drinking, but whoever you made out with in that alley will change your life. We promise.

Having a hard time coming up with resolutions for 2009? We understand the difficulty in coming up with ways to improve your already perfect life. But the stars know a few things you don't.

Hollywood drives people to choose alternate religions - Buddhism, Scientology, the Zone diet. For this week's horoscopes, we consulted a friend in the Shamanic community, who suggested some power animals to guide you.

With your holiday shopping done, cards mailed and plane tickets booked, just refill that valium prescription and you’re ready for family time. Will your trip home be It’s A Wonderful Life or Natural Born Killers?

After three little earthquakes over the weekend (sadly not of the Tori Amos variety) left no major damage, we feel confident in saying that the apocalyptic front that moved in offshore has safely exited the Southland and is now wreaking havoc on Scottsdale or Tucson. Let those Snowbirds deal with it, you need to find a new director for your vampire movies. Your astrological B.O. predictions after the jump.

Dreaming of a White Christmas? It's L.A., so a Wet Christmas is the closest you're going to get. It rained last week, so who knows, you might be making puddle angels in the Vons Hollywood parking lot while Santa cruises through the lower atmosphere. Let's just hope Ol' St. Nick's entrances require fewer sonic booms than the Space Shuttle Endeavor.

Hopefully, most Defamer readers have a short work week and a long weekend to reflect on the descent into economic depression occurring in front of our eyes. With Obama naming his economic team today, it's time for you to put together your own team of advisers, namely your broker friend Steve and that attractive junior agent who told you that he has all his money in Turkish pharmaceutical stocks. If today - November 24 - is your birthday: Thanksgiving day promises a variety of experiences and flavors for you. Metaphorically speaking, avoid the green bean casserole (Jealousy) and salty gravy (Anger) but eat as much pumpkin pie (Comfort) as you like. The executive producers may have demanded that you lose 20 pounds for that bikini-centric role, but your mom's turkey (Shame) is being served in large quantities. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): A time for renewal is coming. Sure, you'll still be in poor health and not getting enough sleep, but those mid-season replacements will make your world bright again. More star sign servings after the jump!

Is Venus in the third house this week? Is your first house still standing? The Southland has been through hell but hopefully better things are in store for the coming week. If today - November 17 - is your birthday: The aging process spares no one and is especially unkind to Hollywood actors. It's time to begin that all-consuming, lifelong project of bizarre health routines and plastic surgery. It may not be natural or healthy, but it shows a high level of ambition. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): There's no need to constantly run through your impressive resume of producing credits in front of your friends. They'd be your friends even if you weren't successful, as long as you still gave them free coke. More wisdom after the jump!

Longest. Election. Ever. After two years of baskstabbing, backslapping and backbiting, we'll know by early Wednesday morning which Senator will be signing the Executive Orders for emergency food supplies and government assistance disbursements when the economy goes into the metaphorical Andy Gump port-a-john. Your future, however, does not depend on the Electoral College, but on the stars. If today - November 3 - is your birthday: While it would seem logical to take down that Sarah Palin effigy this week, keep it up well through the holiday season. That flow of Scientology solicitors has all but but dried up. More astrological excitement after the jump!

What's in the stars this week? Stock market turbulence? More octogenarians behaving badly? Answers below. If today - October 27 - is your birthday: Your numbers are 11, 39 and 54. These would be lucky numbers, if they didn't already equate to the ages of the individuals on set today who will yell at you for fucking up their lunch orders. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): Instead of putting that Jamie Kennedy reality competition series into production, how about you greenlight some time with your son? He's starting to burn things at school. More celestial wisdom after the jump!Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): At Tuesday's call, don't greet your fellow petite, blonde, fresh-faced types that are at every casting session with hugs and polite questions and displays of real friendship. Save your acting for the room. Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You will know that you have found your ultimate love match when he/she agrees that Synecdoche, New York was a perfect first date movie. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Find better uses for your time. Ringo Starr's fan mail deadline was last week, and he already passed on your Yellow Submarine sequel - Return to Pepperland.