John Mayer went out on Saturday night and raised the bar on celebrity cheesedickery, David Cross and Amber Tamblyn are making out in public all over East Village, and Fergie admits to being bi-sexual.

• Cynthia Nixon and longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni have gotten engaged. The couple announced the news at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally over the weekend. [OK!, ET]
• Mariah Carey reportedly threw a fit in Cannes on Friday evening when the director of her new movie had the audacity to show up late to the premiere, thus denying her precious time on the red carpet. [NYDN]
• Also in Cannes: Giuseppe Cipriani was seen making out with Tara Reid; and Kirsten Dunst missed the party she was supposed to be hosting because she missed her flight. [NYDN, Mirror]
• Kelly Bensimon is telling friends she regrets joining the Real Housewives cast since appearing on the show has "ruined her socially." [P6]
• Brooke Shields says her mother was checked out of her nursing home last week by a National Enquirer reporter looking for a scoop. [People]

Alec Baldwin turns 51 today. Eddie Murphy is turning 48. Pop princess Leona Lewis is 24. Amanda Bynes is turning 23. 90210's Jennie Garth is 37. Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, is turning 67. Former ski champion Picabo Street is 38. Legendary actress Doris Day is turning 87. Actor David Hyde Pierce is 50. And Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach is 41. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

Kate Hudson and son Ryder crossing a street in the Village ... America's Next Top Model's Jay Manuel leaving the ABC studios ... Madonna and Lourdes leaving the Kabbalah center ... Seth Rogen playing outside Late Night with David Letterman ... Bernadette Peters walking into a Midtown office buidling ... Lindsay Price taking a stroll downtown with her mom ... David Cross and Amber Tamblyn walking David's dog through the East Village ... the cast of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants outside TRL ... Shaquille O'Neal leaving his hotel in Midtown ... Leighton Meester getting in a limo at JFK ... and Aubrey O'Day and Lydia Hearst holding hands on their way out of Butter and kissing in the limo waiting outside.

· Sony Pictures Classics is close to picking up Synecdoche, New York, Charlie Kaufman's sprawling directorial debut spanning 40 years in the life of a guy who tries to mount the greatest play of all time. It began as a real-time project, but has since been whittled down to a far more digestible two hours, four minutes. [THR]
· Nia Vardalos's long-awaited follow-up to My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Life in Ruins, will be distributed by Fox Searchlight. In it, she plays a travel guide who gets her groove back while touring through Greezzzzzzzzzz. [THR]
· The Wiffler: The Ted Whitfield Story, is an "indie baseball mockumentary" set in the world of competitive wiffleball during the 1994 MLB strike. [Variety]
· Christian "Fierce™" Siriano will design all the looks for the young title character of Eloise in Paris, trying his best not to make the famed Plaza Hotel resident not look like some hot French tranny hooker mess. [Variety]
· From the people who brought you American Pie 2: Michael Vartan and David Cross will play "bitter tire store rivals" in Demoted. [THR]

• Katie Holmes is said by Star to be planning a "trial separation" from Tom Cruise amid her plans to come to New York, where she might act in the play All My Sons. There's a battle over Suri. [Star]

Cross is the comedian and TV actor best known for cult fave Mr. Show, his cameos on The Colbert Report, his role as neurotic "never-nude" wannabe thespian Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development, and most recently, IFC's The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

Yesterday, we dismissed as fake the Internet video sensation clip of a reporter getting bird poo in his mouth during a live newscast. But we didn't quite convince Esquire, who has a cute video piece today on reporter bloopers that includes the spoof. As proof, we offer the full mockumentary from SNL guy Jerry Minor, Arrested Development's David Cross, and Bob Odenkirk, in which a fake reporter gives a fake report about a fake bird in a fake documentary for a fake Nigerian soda company commercial. Special appearances by shouting caricatures of Nigerian businessmen. Thanks to TPG.

Though no stranger to the inevitable backlash a comedian with indie cred will suffer by cashing the occasional easy paycheck to participate in a family film with no greater artistic aim than briefly quieting a theater full of overmedicated six-year-olds, onetime Dr. Doolittle 2 and Curious George cameo-maker David Cross was nevertheless unprepared for the intensity with which overflowing handfuls of critical excrement hit his personal fan for deciding to join the cast of current box office juggernaut Alvin and Chipmunks. Inspired by a "snide comment" recently directed his way by Ratatouille's Patton Oswalt, who had previously turned down the same Chipmunks part but had the good fortune of being offered a voiceover role in an Oscar-quality CGI-critter film, Cross takes to his website to explain the series of Mitigating Factors that went into that particular career choice:

David Cross, the scamp of a comedian who's frequently spotted out and about in his East Village neighborhood, just made it a lot easier to stalk him! Not that you would. But in case you're curious about where to find him, or maybe just about where to eat eggs on the weekend, here's some advice: "While people wait for upwards of an hour and a half to eat at Clinton St. Bakery—which is great by the way—I choose to say, "Fuck that" and head to Lil' Frankie's for an immediate plate of eggs Parmesan or eggs pomodoro." This advice might work slightly less well if you're not a celebrity, or in this case David Cross, but whatever! Also in this interview, David cops to enjoying red wine with every meal, which might explain his equating pork fat with "angel's ejaculate."

We're still kinda new at this, but we've already pretty much figured out that it's pointless to try to reason with haters, especially when your comeback is along the lines of: "No, you don't understand: THIS is why I'm funny!" David Cross, though? Not so much. The Arrested Development star made a surprise guest appearance in the comments section of a negative SFist review of his performance at Monday's Comedy Death-Ray show. SFist had called Cross a bigot, implying that he was crass to make intolerant comments about Mormons on Martin Luther King Jr. day ( btw, thanks, SFist — it's always nice to be reminded of why we don't live in San Francisco, especially when the windchill's like this). Worse, though, the reviewer implied that Cross's bit got only "paltry applause." OH NO YOU DIDN'T, SFIST. Here are a few of the 700+ words Cross wrote in rebuttal:

Despite our considerate mapmaking labors, we've received few invitations to those "A-list" events. Lucky for us, we have some fairly well-connected people around our office, so at the invitation of Gridskipper editor Josh Stein, our Friday evening was spent at the release party for Topic, a completely non-pretentious publication at the completely non-sceney locale of The Beatrice Inn. In case you missed the memo, Topic magazine is

So that Bank of America "One" song made more of an impression than we realized. Apart from eliciting a flurry of C&D's (it also inspired the above cover version from new Modest Mouse guitarist Johnny Marr and adorable alopecian funnyman David Cross. How long before YouTube brings us the Patton Oswalt parody of the Aleksey Vayner video?

· By now you may have already seen this video of David Cross showing his appreciation of Jim Belushi's "music" by hopping on stage during one of his "concerts." If so, watch it again. It really rewards a second viewing. If this is the first time, cherish this special moment. [via GoldenFiddle]
· OK, George Michael, you're on notice: Pass out in your car with some drugs just one more time and we're going to start saying you might have a problem.
Page-pampering Florida Congressman Mark Foley (no, not the Focus Features guy, how many times do we have to correct you on that?) checked into rehab today, possibly in Clearwater, which set off Wonkette's Scientology alarms. We're just going to assume that his possible ties to the Church are merely related to pandering to a large South Floridian constituency, and that he's not currently trying to sweat out his pedophilia in a Hubbardian sauna.
As Copyranter points out in regards to an ad featuring an image of ET's Mary Hart, there's a fine line between photo "retouching" and the "the wholesale erasure of twenty years of aging."
After removing the twenty-pound false stomach she wore for all nine (or was it ten?) months of her fake pregnancy, Katie Holmes now seems skinnier. A real headscratcher, that.

Who can truly claim to know the ultimate origin of David Cross's hatred of Jim Belushi? Is it one comic's disdain for another's hackery? Does Cross feel it necessary to defend the deceased John Belushi's comedic legacy from his brother Jim's tomb raiding? Or is it just a specious vendetta created for the sake of awkward tragic theater? In any case, enjoy the above clip of Cross crashing the stage during a set by Jim Belushi's Blues Brothers rip-off band. Cross's nimble little douche-dance and gaping grin pretty much say it all.

• New York's Homeland Security budget may have been tightened, but that's no problem for the Hampton Jitney — they've been given $83K to keep the summer share crew safe, protected in their alcoholic bubble. Honestly, in a time of terror, aren't these the fools we'd want to go first? [Room Eight]
• According to the octagenarians at Reader's Digest, New York is the most courteous city in the world. Except for when it's raining and you need a cab. [RD via Bent Post]
• Jodie Foster will tow your car. Or maybe her girlfriend will. Either way. [The Reeler]
• Blogs aren't catching on in Britain, proving that the English are just as smart as they sound. [Guardian]
• Beware the dangers of sunbathing on Murray Hill rooftops: the area is a hotbed of Syracuse alums looking to show you their mansticks. [The Daily Sally]
• David Cross reads blogs, accepts and ratifies David's Law. [Lindsayism]
• We may not be able to give the troops armor, but if we could just send a few Kenneth Cole boots, Iraq would be a safer place. [Copyranter]

· David Cross will executive produce seven episodes of the animated Freak Show for Comedy Central. Though we have no idea whether or not this has any impact on those Arrested Development rumors, feel free to interpret in any fashion that makes you feel good. [Variety]
More pilot news than you can shake a midseason order at: Julia Ormond in CBS drama The Way, Bradley Whitford, Sarah Paulson and Timothy Busfield in NBC's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, William Baldwin and Joe Pantoliano in CBS drama Waterfront, and CW picks up a second drama, the high school Sliding Doors-esque series Split Decision. [THR]
· Digital platforms are providing promising revenue streams for media companies, who are more than happy to find new and exciting ways to screw writers, directors, and actors out of residuals. [Variety]
Warner Bros. picks up the prison drama Kite for Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way, which may serve as a starring vehicle for the actor should he decide to play the prettiest fish in the whole penal system. [THR]
"Dear Investors, Viacom is very, very close to finally selling the DreamWorks library for a very, very large sum of money! No, for real this time! Love, Tom Freston." [Variety]

Because cooking up a batch of delicious yams to show our gratitude to all of you would be both time and cost prohibitive, we hope you'll all instead accept our love in the form of this special edition Eva Longoria Thanksgiving e-card. We'll be back on Friday, but in the meantime, enjoy a smattering of links:

• Well, well, well! Look who's on the cover of the latest People magazine: It's the family Federletus! You know, didn't OK! change their Britney-Kevin cover story and bend over backwards with their edit, just to get those baby pics? Yeah, we think they did. Sucks to be them. [People]
• We're thankful for our Adderall abuse, Michael T. of Motherfucker is thankful for his cocaine abuse, and Fancy of Fannypack is thankful for his Asian teen escort abuse. [VV]
• The Holiday Market eats Union Square alive. But the little crafts are so cute, no? [Manhattan Offender]
• The Real David Cross offers his thoughts on the Fake David Cross. [Radar]
• NASA still plagued with pressing dildo problems. [CNN]
• Is that a VULVA on the cover of New York mag, or are you just happy to see us? [Scanner]
• Martha Stewart struggles with whether or not to name her new kitten "Keira Knightley." Seriously. [MarthaStewart]
• The Golden Girls are alive, well, and shilling in Chelsea. It's just not the same without Estelle Getty, however. [OAN]

As we conduct our vigilant search for the Fake David Cross — a vile imposter who claims to be the actor so he can score free drinks and easy women — we're finding that reality is not absolute, and the truth of reality is inextricable from the reality of truth. Or something.