This compilation of David Caruso's best CSI: Miami one liners is incredibly entertaining, because we all know that the best part of the show is watching Caruso dramatically don his sunglasses and spout some wisdom. Yeeeaaaahhhhh!

Crime procedurals are so predictable they have become pointless to watch in their entirety. So let's catch you up on the latest CSI: Miami. We edited it down to one minute, with some help from Tracy Jordan.

Katie Couric turns 53 today. Nic Cage is turning 46. Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner is 64. CSI: Miami star David Caruso is turning 54. Professional golfer (and former Celebrity Apprentice contestant) Natalie Gulbis is 27. Singer Kenny Loggins is turning 62. And Dustin Diamond, the man who so memorably played Screech on the TV show Saved by the Bell, celebrates his 33rd birthday today.

If Katie Couric seems a little less cheerful around CBS headquarters this morning, that's probably because America's sweetheart is turning 52 today. Others celebrating: Magazine mogul Jann Wenner is 63. Nicolas Cage is turning 45. CSI: Miami's David Caruso is 53. Kenny Loggins is 61. And Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech from Saved by the Bell, will turn 32 today.

Click to viewBoomp3.com TV’s number one supercop, David Caruso, put his sharp detective skills to work and finally solved The Mystery of the Great Pumpkin that has been plaguing the L.A. area for the last few years. Tilting his shades down, Caruso said, “Looks like Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater came home to roost,” and off in the distance the familiar strains of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled” started to play. According to Caruso, the Great Pumpkin wasn’t one giant pumpkin, but multiple pumpkins standing on top of each other while wearing a large orange trench coat. As a reward, Caruso was given his choice of any pumpkin and heaping amount of praise and thanks. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Scratch an egomaniac and you're sure to find a sensitive soul just a sincere hug or two away from a healthy, humanitarian lifestyle. At least that's our read on ginger terror David Caruso, whose tyranny on the set of CSI: Miami can only come from a place of haunted concern for something larger than himself — say, perhaps, upholding the dramatic tradition of sunglasses-removal, or, if we are to believe the civilian investigation to which we were tipped this morning, the whereabouts of a fugitive stalking suspect he (and reportedly the FBI) might prefer to see located sooner than later.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Exactly one week ago today, we ran a fairly innocuous item about David Caruso's effusive bullying of a young director on the set of CSI: Sunglasses. Unbeknownst to us at the time we posted it, this item would generate a tremendous amount of feedback from you, the Defamer community. In particular, we received one incredibly detailed recollection of Caruso's on-set behavior from a commenter with the nom de plume of OnSetSnitch. While we normally don't make a practice out of reprinting comments verbatim, this one is so full of Grade-A juice that we felt compelled to share it with a wider audience. With that, please enjoy this unfortunate (yet hilarious) tale of what it's like to work with the likes of David Caruso on a daily basis:

By now, seemingly every pop culture pundit worth their weight in punchlines has latched onto the high comedic value of David Caruso's effusive stylings on CSI: Miami. In particular, The Soup's Joel McHale has taken extreme delight in (and created a cottage industry from) Caruso's patented "I'm going to hastily remove my sunglasses while I deliver this one-liner" maneuver. But until we read this insider's account of Caruso's excruciating acting process on Popbitch, the TV viewer in us always just kind of naively assumed that these moments happened semi-serendipitously. But boy oh boy, were we ever wrong:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them often—but please pull over if you plan on Blackberrying them from the road. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw David "Dookie Drawers" Spade having brunch.

As a rule, the sequel is never quite as satisfying as the original, but this follow-up to the YouTubes sensation "Seven Minutes and Fifteen Mind-Blowing Seconds Of David Caruso One-Liners," spotlighting only the times the dialogue-devouring star supplements his patented delivery by shielding his eyes from both the punishing Miami sun and his own actorly brilliance, has its own charms: note that just before the one minute mark, we're treated to a sequence in which Caruso bolts from the frame after he's done his bit, as if anxious to remind the director, "Now that...is how you end a cold open," before heading off in dogged pursuit of another line to murder.