Though newly minted Extra host Mario Lopez may appear squeaky-clean, longtime readers of Defamer will remember the oh-so-smooth skeleton in his closet: Chesthairgate! Caught in a terrible lie about whether or not he shaves his chest (who can forget the plaintive Star magazine commenter "chris," who said, "He talks about how religious he is, and has such a strong faith. Excuse me...since when is not being honest ok?"), Lopez suddenly found his most valuable physical asset the object of intense scrutiny. Now, as he ascends to the position of respected celebutainment anchorman, a cruel Lopez is threatening to take his smooth, smooth toys and go home:

At the premiere of The Women, all of the men in attendance were lured away from their dates by the sweet siren song of Cloris Leachman. Leachman, who's slated to compete in the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars, swept stars like Warren Beatty and Will Smith off their feet with her erotic tales of old Hollywood. Smith said, "Cloris has to be the ultimate cougar. If I wasn't with Jada, I'd make a serious play at her. Although, Warren might give me a run for my money." When asked about her newfound status as the ultimate cougar, Leachman said, "I would say that I still got it, but the fact of the matter is that I never lost it."

A group of photographers broke up tween superstar Miley Cyrus and Dancing With The Stars contestant Cody Linley's night at the drive in movies on Tuesday. Apparently, the windows of Linley's automobile were getting too foggy preventing the capture of special or magic moment between the Hannah Montana stars. Another photographer asked if he could hop into the back seat of the car because he really wanted to watch Disaster Movie. The twosome shrugged their shoulders and allowed the man to join them in back under one condition: he gets the deluxe nachos combo and a large cherry Icee with two red vines to act as straws.

Production began last night on a pilot that a group of plucky producers hope will become the next big reality craze, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars. Combining elements from Bravo's Top Chef and Dancing With The Stars, Rollin' Sushi With The Stars is about discovering the celebrity with the greatest California Roll rolling ability. So far, the producers have only convinced two people to join the cast — veteran reality stalwarts Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry. When asked about his involvement with the pilot, Knight said, "Well, we saw a camera setting up down the street from our house and we were like, "We haven't been on TV in weeks and these lavalier mics are just collecting dust. Turns out the producers were looking for some top notch talent and kaboom! We're creating some TV magic. After this, we'll definitely be able to get a table at Nobu."

· On America's Got Talent last night, David Hasselhoff was refreshingly candid about the stirrings in his loins elicited by Drag Britney. [AGT] · Step! Two, Three, Ball, Step, Ball, Reverse, Change! Watch out stars—Lance means business! [Mollygood] · In this new promotional shot from Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell stands next to the kind of Sleestak you might imagine posing for pictures at Disneyland. [First Showing] · Mmmm...Hannah Montana Sweet & Sour Gummi Cocks. [BWE.tv] · And last but not least, it's Paul Reubens's birthday today. In his honor, enjoy the entire Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special. Happy birthday, Pee-wee! Mm...Birthday cakey. [YouTube, YouTube, YouTube, YouTube]

That thrilling rite of reality TV passage—the running of the Z-list celebs down the streets of Pomona and into the Dancing with the Stars studios for an unforgettable season of Mambos and Cha-Chas, marred infrequently by the occasional rogue-sequin blinding—is again underway, friends. Let's get right down to it. Here is your class of 2008-09:

• Life after reality TV: Rocco DiSpirito will be competing on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. [AP]

An eagle-eyed, Craigslist-scavenging informant today points us to a compelling career opportunity for the ambitious dreamer in you: A "high-ranking staffer on a hit dance reality show" is in dire need of a new assistant after the last one apparently agreed to assist him (or her, we suppose) full-time in bed:

Wow. So remember the story of how Representative Charlie Rengel had those rent-stabilized apartments? And that led to this expose on how the Rudin family keeps renting out its luxury apartments at ridiculously low cost to connected insiders? Now that story has led to the amazing tale of how Richard Nixon was blackballed by a co-op board and taken in by the Rudins in the late-'70s. See, no one in New York liked him or wanted him, because of the criminality and Cambodia-bombing, but those kind-hearted Rudins offered Dick his choice of any Rudin-managed apartment he wished. Hah. Nowadays Nixon would surely have been publicly rehabilitated ten seconds after leaving office with a well-timed apology and maybe a stint in rehab for Pat. Also he'd be on Dancing With the Stars. [NYT]

With legalized same-sex unions already labeled passé, Hollywood discovered its newest cause designed specifically to piss off Arkansas: live, televised, boy-on-boy fox-trotting mayhem. This fall, Lance Bass is reportedly set to join the cast of Dancing With The Stars and partner with a male dancer and cha-cha his way into America's hearts. You know, because he's gay. And it's edgy.

In the annals of celebrity scandal, the question of whether a Saved By the Bell co-star fibbed about his chest hair would surely rank below most — but not to the aggrieved, vigilant readers of Star magazine. After Mario Lopez gave an interview with People where he testified — under oath, no doubt — that he has never had to manscape, Star dug out old photos of the Dancing with the Stars alum that tell a different tale. What started as an eagle-eyed catch by connoisseurs of celebrity skin quickly became full-on outrage as fans of Lopez flocked to the forum to castigate their former idol. Said Star:

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

How quickly the week rolls by when we know a brand new Dirt Sandwich—Defamer videographer and part-time, uncredited massage therapist Molly McAleer's attempt at making some condensed sense of the week in tabloid television—is waiting for us at the end of it. Today's 6-inch treat comes served on freshly baked jalapeno cheesy bread, overstuffed with slutty Mileys, drunk Lindsays, bear-attack 911 calls, and Brad Pitt in head-to-toe leather undies (kinky!). Most amazing of all, however, is one anonymous TMZ staffer's cracking of the Cheryl Burke Bangs Code, a complex theorem linking the angle of the Dancing with the Stars regular's hair to her blood alcohol level. Watch and learn!

· A bumper crop of comedies are set for release in the coming months, including Baby Mama, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, Sex and the City, What Happens in Vegas, and Made of Honor, some of which could actually be classified as comedies! [Variety]
· An "intimate upfront...at Soho house" unveiled Oxygen's new tagline ("live out loud," whatever that means), as well as their new logo ("the black, lower-case 'oxygen' inside the yellow letter 'O,' which is tilted to one side"). Save it for your iVillage blog, Zucker. [Variety]

A story in Sunday's LAT did the unthinkable by finally pointing out the big Botoxed elephant in the room: no matter how painfully obvious it is to viewers, many stars who get nipped and tucked insist on denying it. But as the Times argues, just how many episodes of this season's Dancing With The Stars or Desperate Housewives can we sit through before drawing our own conclusions? Have you seen Priscilla Presley lately? And if celebrities are going so far as to undergo actual "head transplants," when will they finally start fessing up? We took a look at a few of the stars in question, such as Teri Hatcher and Carrie Fisher, to innocently throw some visual evidence into the mix.

· "Fabian is my music," Marlee Matlin said, just moments after playing grab-ass with her mambo-champion Dancing with the Stars partner. This suggests to us that her gaydar is about as finely tuned as her hearing. [DWTS]
· Set your alarms, everyone: Your first glimpse of J.Lo's twins comes at 7 a.m. sharp! [People]
· Ivan Dixon, aka Hogan's Heroes Kinchloe, dead at 76. [AP]
· Hey—it's that immortal dude from New Amsterdam's junk! (NSFW) [OMG BLOG]
· Bring this coupon Saturday, get $100,000 off your Silver Lake loft—and free sangria. [Curbed LA]

While execs at the Fox network long ago learned that people have a strong desire to watch shows aimed at an audience of gore-hound rubberneckers (think, America's Most Shocking And Deadly High-Speed Rollover Accidents Part Six), the folks at the more family friendly American Broadcasting Channel rolled the dice when they cast the last season of Dancing With The Stars. Their bet was that they could appeal to an under-exploited niche of the American television viewing audience by casting a one-legged former trophy wife of a Beatle. After all, would people really tune in to see whether or not she would fall on her ass while doing the Cha-Cha? Not surprisingly, they did tune in ... in droves, even. So when it came time for this season to roll around, producers decided to go right back to the developmentally-challenged well when they decided to cast the hearing-impaired Oscar winner (and stone fox) Marlee Matlin.

Is there any mid-February tradition more cherished than the announcement of the Dancing with the Stars cast? These dozen brave, ballroom soldiers—of wildly varying Q-ratings and coordination skills—are plucked from every conceivable branch of celebrity, thrown into chest-bearing vests and horrifying baby doll dresses, and shuffled onto a well-greased dance floor. And it's all for America's perverse, compound-fracture-curious pleasures. Revealed last night on Dance War: The Chatterbox Gaytalian Strikes Back, and repeated again this morning on GMA, the sixth season brings Dancing a higher caliber of "star" than ever:

Until we saw this clip from Larry King Live last night, we honestly had no clue how hard Johnny Carson made things for our secretly favorite Dancing with the Stars contestant, Wayne Newton, who couldn't pull on a single, sequined polyester outfit and launch into song in a Las Vegas floorshow without having the late night despot crack some crass joke questioning his sexuality. (And later, he claims, finagling him a spot on a Mafia's Most Wanted hit list.)

· Did Dancing with the Stars champ Helio Castroneves announce that he's newly single before he took his victory lap on The View? Because we want to know if we should read the crackling sexual tension between him and Barbara Walters as the forbidden or out-in-the-open, headed-to-her- dressing-room-at-the-commercial-break kind. (We know! And with the dance partner he may or may not be diddling sitting right there! Shameless.)
· Meanwhile, all former Dancing contestants and their guests were treated to complimentary face paralysis at the finale's afterparty.
· The writers strike seems to have cost Chevy Chase a regular gig on SNL's Weekend Update desk.
· Remember when posing semi-clothed on a magazine cover while pregnant was kind of a novel thing?