If your media-given surname is "burglar" or "bandit," and you've been spending your days actually engaged in the practices of burglary or banditry, then you're probably pretty depressed right now! Unless you're dead.

Notorious Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle is already making a name for himself during his freshman House term. Unfortunately, most of that is due to his terrible standup comedy. But the boy wonder now has an opportunity to redeem himself and restore the Quayle family name to its fading 1980s glory. He's been tasked with ensuring America's earthquake preparedness, from his chair in a House subcommittee.

Last night, American politics changed forever: hilarious sex dingbat Ben Quayle successfully purchased a congressional primary victory in Arizona, with father Dan Quayle's credit card. Hear that, smearmongers? Don't ever question the Scion of Quayle again.

It's primary day in Arizona! And a nation wonders: Will hilarious, pseudonymous porn scribe Ben Quayle, Dan Quayle's weird kid, overcome the adversity and win his congressional primary? Who knows! But he's enlisting daddy's help for a final push.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle's son, Ben, is running for Congress in Arizona, where he lives with his imaginary children. Remember how Dan Quayle was famously airheaded? Well, as Ben's campaign progresses, it's becoming obvious that he inherited that gene.

Ben Quayle, the son of Vice President Dan Quayle, is running for Congress in Arizona. Here, he announces that he and his wife Tiffany "are going to raise our family here." Awww. Those are his daughters, right? No? Wait, what?

It's truly a special moment when a father and son have "the talk," wherein the father, embarrassed to use words like "gonad" and "fallopian," is relieved to find his son already got the gist from How I Met Your Mother.

Dan Quayle takes to the editorial page of (surprise!) the Washington Post to tell Republicans to embrace Teabaggers. He has some important historical lessons for his fellow Republicans, about these grassroots movements.

Dan Quayle is still mad at Ross Perot for putting Bill Clinton in office or something.

Comedian Rob Corddry turns 39 today. Former Vice President Dan Quayle is turning 63. Musician Gavin DeGraw is 33. Boxer Oscar De La Hoya is turning 37. New York Assemblyman Denny Farrell is 78. Singer Natalie Imbruglia turns 35. Alice Cooper is 62. Country music star Clint Black is 48. Olympic gymnast Carly Patterson is turning 22. And the rapper Cam'ron turns 34 today.

Actor, comedian, and former Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry turns 38 today. Singer/songwriter Gavin DeGraw is 32. Retired Giants linebacker (and possible Dancing with the Stars contestant) Lawrence Taylor is 50. Former Vice President Dan Quayle is turning 62. New York Assemblyman Denny Farrell is turning 77. Natalie Imbruglia is 34. Alice Cooper is 61. The rapper Cam'ron is turning 33. And Oscar De La Hoya is 36.

When the Yellowstone Club filed for bankruptcy earlier this week, company execs were quick to reassure the clubs roster of billionaire moguls that the resort would remain open for the ski season. Now it looks like Bill Gates, Barry Sternlicht, Peter Chernin, Dan Quayle and the club's other members are going to need to find someplace else to spend Christmas vacation. Court filings indicate that the club doesn't have enough money to make monthly payroll, or even pay this month's food and electricity bills. What will happen? One suggestion: "Gates can just buy it and save the hassle of worrying about where to ski this winter." [WSJ]

Especially not the potato thing. He definitely wouldn't want to change that one.