Kevin Strahle is a self-proclaimed rich person, "meathead," "YouTube inspirational public figure," and resident of New Jersey. He is an amateur competitive eater, with a handful of meat-eating victories in the suburbs.

In these dreary times of belt-tightening and austerity, you'd be forgiven for not keeping track of which ridiculously expensive champagne is currently de rigueur among rappers and jet setters. But it is our solemn duty to report that since Jay-Z's famous boycott of Cristal—which was triggered by the company's dismay over the hip hop community's association with the brand and led to a decline in sales—the bubbly that seems to have taken its place, Armand de Brignac, is doing better than ever.

Back in early summer, the managing director of Cristal champagne expressed his disdain for his brand's iconic status amongst hip-hop stars. This prompted rapster Jay-Z to boycott Cristal in his lyrics, clubs, and bloodstream. Unfortunately, this left a gaping void in the alcoholic blingosphere, which Jay-Z has attempted to fill in his most recent video — he rejects a bottle of Cristal in favor of Armand de Brignac, a heretofore unheard-of niche brand of luxury champagne. Most news outlets dutifully passed on the press release, noting how Armand de Brignac has been produced for "centuries" and is only now being imported stateside after enjoying success in France. Charming story; too bad it's all bullshit.