A man who wanted to be on Paris Hilton's "best-friend" reality show has been arrested after sending in pictures of children in sexual positions, some "masochistic," as part of his application. And justice finds another asshole sicko. Hooray! [Houston Press]

This here's the California backyard where Phillip Garrido, who's living residence is to the right, kept Jaycee Dugard prisoner for 18 years. He obviously gave a hoot about building codes.

Phillip C. Garrido's one sick son of a bitch. He even puts sicko Austrian man Josef Fritzl to shame. For the past 18 years, Garrido spent his time tending to one Jaycee Dugard, whom he brazenly kidnapped back in 1991.

Dr. Susan Essien Etok, a friend who claims Michael Jackson asked her to help him get drugs, wrote to President Obama and urged him to take harsher action against physicians who help celebrities, like Heath Ledger, get drugs. [TMZ]

The L.A. County coroner has ruled the King of Pop's death was caused by an overdose of anesthetic. Today's screaming headlines aside, the trial about one doctor's incompetence sounds more sad than sensational.

Kiefer Sutherland, can drink with an clear conscious tonight after assault charges that stemmed from headbutting a fashion designer have been dropped. And we were hoping to be spared another mediocre season of 24 while he was in the slammer.

When she's not being arrested for eavesdropping and computer trespass former Dolce & Gabanna flack Ali Wise has been spending her time in the Duane Reade greeting card aisle. Now she's seeking forgiveness by tweeting the pablum she read there.

Pedro Espada, the corrupt State Senator who decided to be a Republican the other week, says he gets two votes, because he is so special. And then the Bronx District Attorney kidnapped his housekeeper.

The Feds have accused Robert Allen Stanford of being a mini Madoff, running a multi-billion-dollar Ponzi scheme involving fraudulent certificates of deposit. Watching Stanford on ABC News tonight, it's easy to believe that's true.

A man was stabbed last night at the Paramus Park Mall. "The bleeding 18-year-old staggered into the mall with a knife in his neck and collapsed," according to reports. This really does clinch it (because last week's mass mall shooting in Nebraska didn't, apparently)—shopping malls are entirely hazardous to public health in every way imaginable. Then again, if you're brave enough to go shopping this month, you're probably helping to defend Christmas from the terrorists. Decisions! [WNBC]

"Natascha Kampusch, the Austrian teenager who was held prisoner for eight years in a basement, will have her own television chat show, her media adviser confirmed to CNN Thursday." Wrong. So so so.

Writing in the Pursuits section of the Wall Street Journal's weekend edition today, film critic Joe Morgenstern takes approximately 70 square inches to explain why the "gory, stupid" action movie 300 is a symptom of the empty bigness that Americans now demand from their entertainment. (We'd link to it, but according to the "Notice to Readers" that pops up when you visit WSJ.com, the Journal's entire website is completely down.) 300 is "blood-soaked and utterly bloodless," Morgenstern writes, and its popularity is an indication of our preference for fast and loud hugeness over slow and moving smallness.

Hewlett-Packard's former chairwoman, now indicted by California's Attorney General for starting an allegedly illegal investigation into boardroom leaks, tells her story in a 1500-word piece in today's Wall Street Journal.