Transit officials in Sweden are at a loss to explain how a cleaning lady was able to steal a commuter train from a station near Stockholm and drive it for three minutes before crashing into a three-story house.

In 1992, the sci-fi writer Bruce Sterling published The Hacker Crackdown, a riveting nonfiction book about a string of high-profile hacker busts on the early "electronic frontier" of the late '80s and early '90s. The first hacker crackdown shook the early internet to its core and helped mobilize political geeks. Today, we're in the midst of a new crackdown. And with the death this weekend of the legally and emotionally troubled 26-year-old computer genius Aaron Swartz, this one has a body count.

I've never been a teacher. And thank god, because I can say with 98% certainty that the majority of my day would consist of me, standing in front of a room full of unruly "tweens" who Just Won't Listen, stroking a piece of cutlery and fantasizing aloud about plunging said cutlery into the bodies of those unruly students. Any teacher would. But apparently in "today's America," this behavior is frowned upon.

Police in San Diego shot and critically injured an armed suspect during a screening of Les Misérables on Saturday night. The gunman, identified by police as 20-year-old Tom Billodeaux, reportedly fled to the theater after getting into a fight with his girlfriend; when witnesses intervened, Billodeaux threatened them with a handgun before escaping to a nearby shopping mall.

According to the NYPD, a 45-year-old man set a massive fire above a Pinkberry yogurt shop in Manhattan's Nolita neighborhood Thursday night, leaving one dead and several injured. Police believe the man, Wei Chu Wu, started the fire after fighting with his child's mother, who lives on the building's second floor.

A deaf man in Burlington, North Carolina, was stabbed multiple times after his sign-language conversation with another deaf man was mistaken for gang signs.

It's a smurf eat smurf world out there, as one Australian man recently discovered. Police in the Australian state of Victoria are looking for Papa Smurf and three of his blue disciples who are accused of committing two crimes at once.

The owner of a goat that was spotted eating pizza around New York City is being charged with sexually assaulting a woman he brought home from a nightclub.

That headline says it all, really, but in case you want more info: When the sheriff's department in Alameda County, California attempted to conduct a "probation compliance" check at a home in Castro Valley, they discovered 34 pounds of processed dried marijuana and a five-foot alligator, named "Mr. Teeth," guarding said marijuana from a Plexiglas tank.

A judge yesterday sentenced 25-year-old Jason Earl Dean of Dalton, Georgia, to a split sentence that includes four years in jail after he handcuffed himself to a female Taco Bell employee who wouldn't go out with him.

Brenda Schumann of Vero Beach, Florida, was arrested last month and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence after she allegedly threatened to kill her husband and his girlfriend before defecating on the kitchen floor.

There's not much to report about this story but here you go: 32-year-old Portland, Oregon resident Caleb Grotberg was arrested early Monday morning after he allegedly choked his girlfriend with his own dreadlocks.

William Hilton Paul, the 19-year-old son of Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) and grandson of former Texas congressman Ron Paul, was taken into police custody yesterday at North Carolina's Charlotte Douglas International Airport for public intoxication following a Saturday morning flight from Kentucky.

A woman who was arrested for attacking two people in Hallandale Beach, Florida, told a bond court judge she was merely a misunderstood street artist who was "trying to do some artwork."

A pilot employed by American Eagle was removed for his plane this morning by airport police after failing an alcohol breath test.

Basing its decision on a law from 1872, an appeals court in California ruled that a man convicted of rape by a trial court was not guilty of the crime because the woman he allegedly raped wasn't married.

Returning to his Astoria, Oregon, home after a busy day of driving drunk, sideswiping cars, and fleeing the scene, 18-year-old Jacob Cox-Brown couldn't wait to let all his Facebook friends know what he'd been up to.

In case you thought this year was going to be any more normal than the last, San Jose Police had a standoff with a man wielding a samurai sword. This man was naked as the day he was born, naturally.

Two Greenwich Village residents – described by neighbors as "very friendly...hippie types" – were arrested Saturday morning after the NYPD discovered a stash of high-powered explosives and other weapons in their walk-up apartment.

A man being booked on domestic violence charges at the Gloucester Township police station in New Jersey this morning managed to shoot and injure three police officers before being killed when other officers in the area returned fire.