An Oregon woman who had $500 worth of sex toys stolen from the trunk of her sedan says she felt extremely embarrassed having to list the missing items to a police officer. So, naturally, her next stop was the local news.

A comprehensive new report from the ACLU about marijuana arrests in America confirms three key points: A) Weed arrests are overwhelmingly racially biased; B) Weed arrests consume an insanely large amount of money and resources; and C) Weed needs to be legalized, ASAP.

Marine Major Mark Thompson, a former U.S. Naval Academy instructor, was sentenced to 60 days in jail and a $60,000 fine after being convicted last week of committing indecent acts, fraternization, and conduct unbecoming an officer. Thompson's crimes are related to a 2011 incident in which two female midshipmen accompanied Thompson to his home after drinking alcohol and attending a croquet match between the academy and St. John's College. One of the women would later say Thompson assaulted her.

The Supreme Court ruled today that cops may take D.N.A. from people arrested—but not convicted—for serious crimes. Even Scalia thinks this is some bullshit: "Because of today’s decision, your D.N.A. can be taken and entered into a national database if you are ever arrested, rightly or wrongly, and for whatever reason."

A 50-year-old man was caught having sex with a pit bull while on a tour of a Chicago pound.

Two and half years ago, somewhere in Patterson, California, a man got shit-faced. He decided to drive his van into my family’s car.

Even when considering Willie Smith Ward's nine previous convictions, this is excessive: On Wednesday, a jury in Waco, Texas sentenced Ward to 50 years in jail for stealing a $35 rack of ribs from a grocery store and then telling a store employee that he had a knife.

Today, the ACLU announced that it is filing a federal lawsuit on behalf of prisoners at the East Mississippi Correctional Facility, a private prison in Meridian, Mississippi. The suit alleges that EMCF is "hyper-violent, grotesquely filthy and dangerous." One example of the jail's dangers: this handwritten letter from an inmate describing his own rape.

A man charged in connection with the death of a Maine teenager apparently staged the girl's kidnapping so he could become a hero.

Taking selfies got this teenager arrested. We can only hope this marks the start of a trend.

A man in Salem, Oregon took his obsession with correct spelling slightly too far on Wednesday morning when he threatened to blow up a government building's sign because a word was misspelled on it.

A New Mexico man who was drinking, driving, speeding, and having sex all at the same time unsurprisingly crashed his car into another vehicle after running a red light.

Support for the death penalty among Americans is hovering around a 40-year low. Nevertheless, enthusiastic legislators from Bumfuck all the way to Hickville are taking it upon themselves to help their states execute death row inmates with greater dispatch.

A high school student from Columbia, Missouri, was arrested on suspicion of felony property damage after she allegedly changed a classmate's last name in the yearbook to "Masturbate."

A man making “unusual statements” attempted to open an airplane door today during a flight from Alaska to Portland, Oregon. Passengers eventually subdued the man, who authorities said weighed 220 pounds, using shoelaces and seat-belt extensions

According to Pennsylvania State Police, on Saturday a 16-year-old stabbed his 17-year-old girlfriend to death as the two were in the middle of an argument. When the teenager returned home, bloodied and crying, he reportedly confessed to his mom.

The privileged son of a disgraced former aide to President George W. Bush has been charged with killing a man with a hatchet at his father's home in Gaithersburg, Maryland.

"A coroner said Friday that Christ died of a cocaine overdose."

A persistent public masturbator brightened everyone's morning on Wednesday by first jerking off outside a hospital before being chased off and then performing his act for people gathered at a nearby bus stop.

Edison, New Jersey police officer Michael A. Dotro was arrested and charged with five counts of attempted murder and one count of aggravated arson on Thursday for allegedly firebombing the home of a captain from his own police department.