HarperCollins hopes the whiff of scandal will push sales of Tatum O'Neal's memoir higher, based on the line (OK I'll stop now) the publisher is selling in a new press release touting the three-year-old book. The oh-so-tasteful bit of flackery leads with the "BREAKING NEWS" of O'Neal's arrest Sunday night for attempting to buy cocaine near her Lower East Side apartment, and concludes with a not-entirely-freshened-up bio: "... this talented, spirited young woman has endured and triumphed over everything from childhood neglect and spousal abuse and heroin addiction, only to suffer a recent heartbreaking relapse from hard won sobriety... Tatum's life story is the ultimate victory-in-the-end tale." Tatum's life can be a victory in the end, especially if you buy her paperback, which via the magic of royalties will literally provide the fallen actress with microseconds of legal services, drug rehab or cocaine ecstasy. Full press release after the jump.

Some secret Japanese government files have emerged about Tadamasa Goto, the Yakuza gangster boss who's threatened the life of American reporter Jake Adelstein and his family. And—we hate to say it—but it really sounds like Goto is not a guy you would want to be threatening your life. The file notes that he both pays off reporters and "will seriously and relentless threaten whoever is responsible for unfavorable coverage." Duh! Well uh, he's not really brutal, is he?

Gopalan Nair, a US citizen and blogger, was arrested and charged in Singapore for insulting a judge. He accused the judge of prostituting herself in a vituperative email and blog post. Then he basically asked to be arrested: "In another post on his blog Saturday, Nair taunted authorities, saying he was in Singapore at a particular hotel, and also gave his phone number." So bilious! Also, kinda dumb! Anyway, we'll add Singapore to the list. [AFP]

If you're famous, and you want to do cocaine (or smoke crack), our best advice is: don't do it, because you're a role model. Ha ha. But seriously, hopeless crackhead celebrities; if you're going to do it at least don't be an idiot. Coke is hardly even frowned upon in Hollywood, but getting busted while acting like a maniac can seriously impair your image and earning ability in middle America. So learn from your more unfortunate peers' mistakes; after the jump, five cases of cocaine-fuelled idiocy, and how not to reproduce them.

Tatum O'Neal, the child actress who won an Oscar at age 10 and then got heavily into drugs, booze, and self-destruction, was arrested last night for trying to buy coke not far from her Lower East Side apartment. Her situation is sad—she's struggled with serious addiction for a long time, but has reportedly been clean for two years. The second thing to be said, though, is: A veteran wealthy druggie was "spotted handing money to a street dealer," seriously? That method is far too gauche for the sophisticated cokehead.

The Linda Stein murder caper felt like a Law & Order episode all along. So it's no surprise the show is now appropriating the sensational real-life crime for a plotline. Joan Jett will star as the slain rock manager-turned-realty bigshot and Det. Mike Logan (Chris Noth) will solve the homicide in an hour or less. [NY Post]

A pornographer known as Max Hardcore is on trial for obscenity in Florida. The judge originally said that the jury should watch eight and a half hours of his porn tapes, so they could get a complete picture. But she had to reconsider, because the jurors got so squeamish after less than an hour that she feared they wouldn't be able to make it all the way through. A mere 8.5 hours of filth? We call that a "weekday." [THR Esq.]

Raging liberal tax-and-spend broadcaster Keith Olbermann is a hypocritical tax cheat who wants to deprive the government of revenues in order to further enrich himself! That's according to the well-named site Olbermann Watch, which reports that the MSNBC host has a tax warrant out against his personal corporation in New York, for failing to pay about $2,300 in state taxes. All of which would have gone to buying baby formula for children on welfare, but which Olbermann wantonly hoarded to enhance his own hair gel collection instead! He should really pay up. Disclaimer: Although this news is true, it comes from a right-leaning website, which is inherently untrustworthy. Unlike, you know, Huffington Post. [Olbermann Watch]

A UK court has formally charged violent criminal-slash-supermodel Naomi Campbell with assaulting two police officers during one of her trademark hissy fits on an airplane. If convicted, the maximum punishment she faces is six months in jail, where presumably she'll be kept in solitary confinement for the safety of other prisoners. [AP]

Gothamist.com, the NYC news-about-town blog, today posted a straightforward item about a 19-year-old woman who was raped in her apartment building in Soho last night. They described the suspect: "a black man, about 5'8" and 200 pounds, with a possibly pockmarked face, and he may be between 20-30 years old." Now, we were under the impression that Gothamist's readers are mainly drawn from the broad hipster demographic. So either our impression is way off, or many hipsters are thinly-veiled racist fucks (somewhat true, actually). Because the comments quickly turned into a call to throw black men off buildings:

Jane Clark, the former Fox News employee who is now suing the company that managed the network's bedbug-infested headquarters, had a press conference today where she showed off the results of her vicious multiple bitings at the hands of the bloodthirsty insects. Take heed, potential Fox News guests: this may be the fate that awaits you! Two more graphic photos of Clark's welt-ridden neck, after the jump.

Last year, tabloids were abuzz with the story of a spinning class gone bad on the Upper East Side. One man was assaulted by another man, right in the middle of class. To be fair, the man who was assaulted—48-year-old Stuart Sugarman—is the type of guy who likes to shout out "you go girl!" and "great song!" during spinning class. A fellow spinner, irate at Stuart's unceasing exclamations, grabbed his bike and slammed him against the wall. Now the case has finally come to trial, and Sugarman took the stand yesterday, resulting in what is perhaps the finest exercise-related legal news story of the year:

Air America Radio, the liberal talk radio network that has come to dominate the radio dial and our country's political media at large (you can't go anywhere these days without hearing about the latest Rachel Maddow show) is back in the news. This time, for fraud! The network's fugitive former director, Evan Montvel-Cohen, was arrested in Guam yesterday on money-laundering charges unrelated to Air America. But boy, they should really consider rehiring him for his fundraising skills alone:

Michael Kors is temporarily unable to admire himself on Project Runway reruns: four teenagers broke into his house in the chichi Fire Island enclave of Water Island and walked away with his flat-screen TV, along with valuables from three neighboring homes. The hapless crooks dumped their booty into a bay when they found out the cops were on their tails, only to get caught anyway. It's been a bad year, theft-wise, for gay fashion tycoons on the East End. First the copper fixtures at Isaac Mizrahi's Bridgehampton house get snatched, now Kors' TV is jacked. These things tend to come in threes, so definitely keep close tabs on the home electronics in your Southampton estate, Calvin Klein.

A Vancouver couple listed their week-old newborn for sale on Craigslist for $10,000, prompting a horrified user to call the police. When the cops arrived, they found the tyke breastfeeding and the parents claimed it was a hoax. Which didn't stop the authorities from confiscating the baby. Susan MacTavish Best issued the by-now boilerplate statement that reads "Misuse of Craigslist for illegal purposes is absolutely unacceptable to us." Those kooky Canadians just hate the free market. When they aren't unjustly subverting self-interest with their free health care, they're criminalizing the trade in human babies. Once Peter Thiel builds his Objectivist paradise at sea, expect him to make another fortune on PayBaby. (Photo by Badr Naseem)

The victims of the Fox News bedbug infestation are fighting back! Former Fox employee Joan Clark has filed a lawsuit claiming that she has post-traumatic stress disorder from being attacked by bedbugs multiple times at the Fox News headquarters. She says she was bitten by the voracious creatures last October, last November, and just last month. She even claims that her entire department was relocated in a futile attempt to escape the bloodsucking insects! The building owner and maintenance company are named in the lawsuit, and Clark has filed a Worker's Comp claim against News Corp. itself. The full press release detailing her suit is below. We've contacted Fox (which may already be planning its revenge) and Clark's lawyer's for further info. THIS STORY IS FAR FROM OVER.

Plumas Lake, California's Michael Sargent managed to roll a ton of pennies into a five-figure pay day by gaming E-Trade, Charles Schwab and Google Checkout customer verification systems in an ingenious scheme reminiscent of the one perpetrated by characters Peter, Michael and Samir in 1999's cubicle culture classic Office Space. Using aliases, including character names from Office Space director Mike Judge's cartoon King of the Hill, Largent used a script to sign up for new accounts and then collect the few cents used to verify his checking account information. In six months he managed to milk E-Trade and Schwab for over $50,000 according to Wired. And now he's indicted on charges of computer fraud, wire fraud and mail fraud. But while the Secret Service says he bilked Google Checkout for $8,225.29, he's not being indicted on charges related to that part of the plan. Granted, even if he doesn't have to return that money, he'll probably have to spend it on lawyers.

A tagger in LA named Buket got arrested and charged with inflicting $150,000 worth of property damage with spraypaint. The same could be said for a lot of graf writers, so why is this kid on the front page of the LA Times' website? Because he got famous by posting videos of his most daring bombing expeditions on YouTube! Two of them (including one with almost 170,000 hits) are after the jump. I have to give him props for being brave enough to edge out on that freeway overpass. But then I take away those props because, you know, he got himself arrested by putting his crimes on YouTube.

Deutsche Telekom, the dominant telephone and communications provider in Germany, has been caught using private phone records in a scandal reminiscent of Hewlett-Packard's industrial espionage. During a spell of layoffs in 2005 and 2006, the company hired a data-mining firm to scan the records of supervisory board members in the hopes of matching the numbers to those of journalists as it looked for the source of leaks about the company's downsizing. New CEO René: Obermann wasn't there at the time, but is stuck cleaning up the mess. [NY Times] (Photo by AP/Frank Augstein)

"Rob Knox, 18, was stabbed after he got caught up in a fight outside a bar in southwest London early Saturday, London's Metropolitan Police said in a statement. Knox plays Ravenclaw student Marcus Belby in the upcoming film 'Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince,' the sixth installment of the popular series set for release in November." [AP] Very sad news video after the jump.