After turning himself in to British authorities this morning, Julian Assange was denied bail. He will remain jailed in London until his extradition to face charges in Sweden is worked out.

The lawyer for an accused Florida murderer convinced the state to pay $125/day for a makeup artist to cover his client's Nazi tattoos, lest the jury unfairly judge him for the wrong terrible choice from his past. [NYT, via naugahydeinplainsight]

Police thought they had a break last week in the mysterious murder of Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen, when a suspect in the case shot and killed himself. Actually, no. That would be too easy.

A German tarantula smuggler, Sven Koppler, was arrested Thursday in Los Angeles after a months-long sting dubbed "Operation Spiderman," in which Koppler allegedly shipped hundreds of live and rare tarantulas wrapped in straws to buyers in the U.S.

Barack Obama got so sick of everyone bitching about him that he issued his first presidential pardons today, to nine world-famous murderers who'll eat the guts of every web commenter who types "GROW A PAIR, OBAMA" from now on. Seriously.

New York state senator Kevin Parker is currently on trial for attacking a New York Post photographer last year. Parker's lawyer says the case is "entirely about politics." I dunno. It almost seems like there's a pattern here.

Sentences for misdemeanors like smoking weed or sneaking onto the subway usually don't come with any jail time. They don't have to. In NYC, a huge number of misdemeanor arrestees languish in jail for weeks, unable to afford bail.

Just last week, a man was found murdered inside his condo in the creepy Disney town, Celebration, Florida. Then early this morning, after shooting at deputies and barricading himself inside his Disney condo, 52-year-old Craig Foushee killed himself. Damn.

Police say that two teenagers who'd been charged in the Bronx gay torture attack were actually victims—meaning there were six total victims, and seven alleged perpetrators. Five men (including David Rivera, pictured) were arraigned yesterday on hate crime charges.

You'll always remember your first. Celebration, FL, the creepy town built by Disney in the '90s, has long been a place of eerie, forced quaintness. Well, no longer. They've had their first-ever homicide, just in time for the holidays.

As police went to serve a warrant on a man described as a suspect in the case of murdered Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen, he shot himself dead. Meanwhile, a retired investigator says she was killed by an "expert marksman."

Alexis Neiers, famed member of a band of kids who robbed famous actors (and star of a pretty awful reality show) was arrested in Los Angeles for possession of black tar heroin, TMZ says. Her story just keeps getting rosier.

Rep. Charlie Rangel narrowly avoided a reality TV-esque fiasco by walking out of his ethics trial, because the ethically-sound Donald Trump was set to testify against him, along with another upstanding citizen, AIG chief Hank Greenberg. Too bad! [Metropolis]

A Mexican restaurant cashier foiled an attempted cash register robbery last week by throwing a box of empanadas at the thief! (No, not because he stopped to eat them.) He dropped the register, and ran away, "covering his head."

Interpol is looking for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange! The police agency issued a "red notice" announcing that Assange is wanted for questioning over sexual assault charges in Sweden. This is just like Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego!

Two Oklahoma women were nabbed while attempting to leave a TJ Maxx with shoplifted goods stowed in their body fat. How much did they conceal? Four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves! Only in America.

Police finally caught up with Uma Thurman's stalker Jack Jordan a month after he broke a protective order by phoning her. He went berserk and is being held for observation. Someone set him off talking smack about My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

Attorney General Eric Holder says the criminal investigation into Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is more than just "saber-rattling," and Justice Department officials are claiming he violated the Espionage Act. If that's true, isn't the New York Times guilty as well?

Alexander Ofner, a 39-year-old South Carolina man, was arrested for masturbating during a screening of Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. Guess they did make that movie too damn sexy. But was he yearning for Harry's Potter or Hermione's Granger?

In August 2008, William Vasilakos was arrested for disturbing the peace. His phone was confiscated. When he got it back, Vasilakos noticed that some sex videos he'd taken had been forwarded to an unknown number. Whose number? His arresting officer's.