Police in Estero, Florida last month arrested a man after he was caught on surveillance video stealing sausages and napkins from a retirement community's club house. 34-year-old Joshua Ryan Abernathy entered the Mariner's Cove Club House, took a shower, and wandered around inside naked to the amusement of some cute (and lively!) old people. When someone noticed the coveted sausages were missing, they reviewed the surveillance tape and recognized the burglar as a drifter from the area.

A sixteen-year-old was arrested in Brooklyn on Wednesday for kidnapping the daughter of an acquaintance after the acquaintance "smacked" her for eating the last of his hot pockets. Yes! That is what happened, according to the Staten Island Advance, which cites "a law enforcement source"; the suspect, one Aliyah Austin—"a transient from Brooklyn"—was, in fact, briefly cohabitating with the unnamed "acquaintance" and apparently providing babysitting services. ("The source," the Advance tell us, "could not immediately say how Ms. Austin met the victim's father.") In any case, it was the fateful hot pocket-related "smack" (surely that qualifies as domestic abuse?) that set this particular wheel in motion:

21-year-old Michigan resident Evan Emory currently faces 20 years in prison for "manufacturing child sexual abusive material". His crime: He posted a YouTube video that made it appear he was singing an explicit song to a classroom of elementary students.

Today's most sickening news story: onetime karate instructor Patrick Gonzalez was sentenced to death today, after being found guilty of "leading a group of men dressed like ninjas" into a Florida couple's home and killing them as their nine adopted children—all with special needs, like autism—slept or looked on in horror. The killers reportedly thought that the couple was hiding millions of dollars in their house. "The men took an unopened safe from the home that contained nothing of value, but a second safe that wasn't stolen had $164,000 in cash, court records show." [AP, photo via AP]

Keith Brown, the father of the popular classical piano quintet The 5 Browns, has been charged in a Utah court with "one first-degree felony count of sodomy on a child and two second-degree felony counts of sexual abuse of a child," according to the AP. While the actual court records don't name the victims, a spokesman for the 5 Browns has confirmed that the case involves Brown's three daughters Desirae, Deondra, and Melody. The alleged abused occurred on several occasions over a period ranging from 1990 to 1998.

Two TSA agents at JFK were arrested for taking $39,000 from a passenger's luggage in January and have confessed to swiping another $121,000. If TSA agents aren't trying to grab your balls, they're trying to take your money!

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was indicted today on charges of child prostitution for allegedly paying a then-17-year-old Moroccan girl called "Ruby Heart-Stealer" for sex. His trial will start in April. On the upside, the spectacle will probably distract the Italian public from his two other ongoing prosecutions for tax fraud and bribery. Italy!

An Ecuadorean judge yesterday ordered Chevron to pay—wait for it—$8.6 billion, for polluting the Amazon region. It's one of the biggest environmental judgments ever, if not the biggest. It comes after the case had dragged on for 17 years.

Even pricks like Newt Gingrich think too many Americans are being locked up for dumb shit. Petty criminals take note!

On Monday, a jury in Tucson found former beautician Shawna Forde guilty of killing nine-year-old Brisenia Flores and her father Raul in a bizarre paramilitary raid on the Flores home in 2009. Forde, the leader of a group called "Minutemen American Defense," is what you might call an anti-immigration activist, if you include murdering fourth-graders under your definition of "activism"; two years ago, she and two of her fellow "minutemen" burst into the home of the Flores family, apparently looking for drugs that they planned on using to fund their creepy military games, and shot Raul, Brisenia, and Brisineia's mother Gina. Gina survived by playing dead and later testified against Forde.

Julian Assange's Wikileaks has hired torture-loving, Obama-concern-trolling Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz to advise it on how to combat the Justice Department's effort to wrestle data about its online behavior from Twitter.

Collin Campbell, a Machinist's Mate 2nd Class in the Navy, is under house arrest after a fellow Navy guy borrowed his iPhone and discovered a bunch of kiddy porn in a folder labeled (drumroll) "porn."

Neil Brook, a 33-year-old currently on trial for murder in Manchester, England, says that he was forced to stab his neighbor Josef Witkowski to death over a misspelled text message. Yes, I know! Here is Brook's version of events:

Michael Gilliland, the founder of onetime Whole Foods rival Wild Oats, was arrested in Phoenix, Ariz. for allegedly "soliciting sex online from a girl who identified herself as a minor." According to police, Gilliland agreed to pay for sex with an underage girl (who, one presumes, was actually an FBI agent) and arranged a hotel-room rendezvous; eight men in total were arrested in the same sting.

19 year-old Corey Christian Adams raped a girl in West Chester, Pennyslvania while she was blackout drunk. When she called him up and confronted him about it afterwards, he post a Facebook status update asking for help dealing with his victim: "I got 500 on a girls head who wants that bread? Hit me up anyway possible." After police confronted him about the allegations, he wrote another post saying that he "needed this girl knocked off right now."

If you were filming your badass self driving 140 miles per hour and you got pulled over by police, wouldn't you maybe try to hide the video camera, or at least the tape? Stanislav Bakanov didn't care when he was pulled over for doing 118 mph in Oregon while filming a video to show off on YouTube:

In your finally Friday media column: journalism's least competent weed dealer located, a Wikileaks smear scheme exposed, Rupert Murdoch believes in himself, AP employees put their cars on strike, and Eminem only speaks to middle school news outlets.

The feds are taking Operation Payback seriously: In response to the Anonymous attacks on Paypal, Mastercard, Amazon, and other corporations that severed ties to Wikileaks in the wake of Cablegate, the FBI has served more than 40 search warrants and subpoenas as part of an ongoing grand jury investigation into the attacks based in San Jose, Calif. We spoke to one target of the investigation, a 19-year-old woman who lives on the West Coast, anonymously about the FBI raid on her home, her participation in the movement, and the FBI's fundamental cluelessness about the nature of Anonymous.

Alexander Figueroa, a 38-year-old ex-con, reportedly brought flowers to his ex-wife Guimmia Villa at the pharmacy where she worked on Thursday. He then shot her, returned to his apartment, and committed suicide. Villa had orders of protection against Figueroa in both Queens and Nassau County; one had expired in January. Figueroa had done time for murder in the 1990s. [NYP]

Imagine having surgery to remove kidney stones without pain medication? That's what happened to a man in Minnesota last November after a nurse, Sarah May Casareto, shot herself up with the dose of fentanyl meant for him. According to the police report obtained by the Star Tribune, Casareto told the patient pror to surgery, "You're gonna have to man up here and take some of the pain because we can't give you a lot of medication."