There's never been a better time to go on a crime spree in California. To cut the state's $20 billion budget deficit, under a proposed plan convicted felons can be released on parole with no supervision. Not a bad idea!

In Sweden—Sweden!—criminals pull off daring cash depot heists with the aid of helicopters. What are America's baddest gangsters up to? Donut shop scams and fake raffles. Are our criminals going soft, and dumb? Yes.

So Ted Stevens, the corrupt old bastard who invented Alaska and ruled it with an iron open palm for 100 years, is no longer a convicted felon. It is a proud day for America.

Remember how we paid Lockheed Martin $67.5 million to index Dick Cheney's emails? The guy whose fault it was has been caught: Paul Magliocchetti, the famous lobbyist.

Whoremaster and adult diaper fetishist (oh, and US Senator) David Vitter freaked the fuck out in an airport earlier this month. He will not be charged, because motherfucker can get away with anything.

Hiram Monserrate, a Queens Democrat and state senator-elect, will be taking his oath of office on January 1, even though he allegedly slashed his girlfriend's face with a broken glass.

Here is your flat-world global economy: Siemens, the German engineering conglomerate, just paid $1.6 billion in fees for all the bribery they've been up to since the end of World War II, back when they were Nazis.

In four weeks, every single email and document the Bush administration created is required by law to be sent to the National Archives. They are scrambling to make sure that doesn't happen, obv.

We have it on good authority that former Page Six muckraker and alleged downshaker Jared Paul Stern has in fact sold his book proposal to Simon & Schuster, reputedly for six figures. Same working title (Stern Measures), and despite rumors to the contrary, the book will indeed contain a heapin' helpin' of Ron Burkle. Attempts to reach Stern for further details were met with stony, but somehow smug, silence. Publication target is late 2007; expect an official announcement tomorrow.