Ben Clifford Dawson is an 83-year-old resident of Centerville, Iowa who is running for city council. He is also a prostitute! At least according to police who arrested Dawson on Wednesday after a 10-day investigation concluded he "offered to perform sex acts on a woman in exchange for repayment of a loan" and then "began kissing her neck without consent." By the looks of his mugshot, he enjoyed it. [KTVO News via Fark]

Laura Chavez, a 60 year-old New Mexican, was drinking and playing a nice game of Monopoly with her grandson and her boyfriend, Clyde "Butch" Smith. When Chavez suspected Smith of cheating, she sent her grandson to bed and proceeded to hit Smith over the head with a bottle and then stabbed him repeatedly with a kitchen knife.

Shit ton isn't a scientific measure, but it can be used to describe the 104 bricks of coke that Leo Sharp, an 87-year-old Indiana resident, was busted with in Michigan. This is like a real life Breaking Bad.

Amanda Confer met her boyfriend, Randell Peterson, on a Pennsylvania bus and had sex with him in front of everyone, including Confer's infant daughter and one of Peterson's fellow prison inmates. Yup, you heard that right.

When a tow truck found Fredly Misere on the side of a highway in Pawtucket, Rhode Island early this morning, he was asleep behind the wheel with a beer bottle in his lap. When they took him to jail and took his car to the impound lot, they didn't know his two kids were in the backseat.

Of all the stupid things in all the world, a restaurant in Canada is trying to ban men from their God-given right to pee standing up. That's right, the last acceptable (semi-)public display of masculinity is now being brought to its knees—or rather to its ass on a slimy, germ-filled toilet seat. Sad.

You thought after your 18th birthday you'd grown out of having sex in the back of the car. Not so for 71-year-old senior citizen Rita Daniels who was arrested for getting it on in the back of her Buick with a guy she picked up at a bar.

"Yeah, the only problem was he was crazy." — President Obama, responding to author Jonathan Franzen's contention that Nixon "was our last liberal president" during a meeting last year. [via @JennaSauers' Twitter account of Franzen at The New Yorker festival]

Talk about a shitty Monday. Yesterday a woman at the D.C. General Services office went to use a toilet when it exploded and injured her. She was rushed to the hospital. Was it because she was going to take an inappropriate office poop?

Congresswoman and Republican presidential candidate/shoo-in Michele Bachmann's made the cover of the latest Cosmo Newsweek—an honor that comes with a new if not entirely original nickname ("the Queen of Rage") and complimentary #QueenOfRage Twitter hashtag. Too bad the photographer startled her like that, eh?

A string of strangely motivated assaults in McDonald's restaurants continues to grip the nation. Yesterday, we brought you the story of a woman who launched a half-melted ice cream cake at an employee and then struck her in the face. Today brings the story of a McDonald's in Cobb County, Georgia, where the manager was charged with having punched a woman, seemingly for having entered the premises with a service dog used to help her care for her autistic twin sons.

The manager of a McDonald's in Indiana called 911 after a customer went into a violent rage over an ice cream birthday cake she'd left with them for safe-keeping, which had later been handed back to her in a less-than-frozen state. She threw the cake at one employee and then slapped them in the face. You can hear the whole, harrowing 911 call here. No arrests have yet been made.

The Washington State Supreme Court ruled that Marc Gilbert, who is on trial for kidnapping and raping boys and videotaping the encounters, must have unlimited access to the very child pornography that he's accused of making.

The celebration of of St. Fermin, better known as the running of the bulls, was held today in Pamplona, Spain. One man was gored by a bull and six others (including two Americans) were injured. Good idea to sit this one out. Here's all the death-defying action that you missed.

This might provide some clues as to why no one in New York is riding the bus anymore. Asked by a driver to not use her iPhone's speakers to play her music, the woman unleashed an extremely loud, hateful, and profanity-filled tirade ("You need to shut the f*ck up and drive your bus, you miserable old f*cking man!...You f*cking honky!"), which was captured on video by another, pissed-off rider. iPhones fighting iPhones!

Preschool America has truly gone to seed. Just days after a spate of drunken toddler sightings, a six-year-old Houston boy brought a loaded gun to his school cafeteria. It gets worse: The gun discharged when he dropped it, injuring himself and two other students.

Scientists have discovered the first-known case of someone catching an STD from a mosquito bite. And he gave it to his wife! Now is the time to invest in some Off! stock.

A 31-year-old Pennsylvania man high on America's latest drug scourge, snortable bath salts, went on a crazy rampage last month. It started when he ditched his car on the side of the highway and started running because, according to police, "he thought it was melting and electricity was following him."

What would you do for $15 an hour? This "syndicated columnist" is looking for hired help with everything from "improving my image" to "dance instruction," to yardwork. Only omni-talented super geniuses need apply.

Chinemerem Eze, a Nigerian national attending Brooklyn College, believed that her landlord had hidden a camera in her apartment. When she asked school officials for help, they shipped her off to a psychiatric ward. Then she found the camera.