Just when it seemed impossible for Chicago police officers to come off any worse in the fatal shooting of 17-year-old Laquan McDonald, lawyers for the family now assert at least three witnesses were interrogated for hours, threatened and forced to lie about what they saw.

Like a giant trying to hold a human baby, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and his big, dumb hands dropped a helpless groundhog on February 2 (Groundhog's day). The poor hog died of internal injuries, and "then the coverup began," according to this New York Post exclusive.

From last November, for an Atlanta shop, with a guest appearance by Mastodon guitarist Brent Hinds. Happy Throwback Thursday, everyone!

The Smithsonian has sent out a press release purporting to update the public on this week's escape of Rusty, a red panda (Ailurus fulgens), from a supposedly secure enclosure at the National Zoo. It is a masterpiece of tautology and obfuscation, designed to conceal the fact that the zookeepers have no idea how an animal with a sub-three-inch brain got away from them.

Last Tuesday, Maria Melendez witnessed a half-dozen sheriff's deputies fatally beating 33-year-old David Sal Silva—hitting him with clubs and kicking him— in Bakersfield, California outside Kern Medical Center. She began to film the scene on her phone, yelling to the cops that she was filming them.

When you consider appropriate punishments for rape, jail might come to mind, or perhaps castration if you're old-fashioned. But if you ask Occidental College, allegedly, they'll recommend a super-reparative book report.

Disheartening dong-tweeter Anthony Weiner allegedly coached a porn star to lie to the press about their sexy email and text exchanges. Gahhhh. Must. Not. Make. Dick. Jokes.

Just when things couldn't get any worse for the former governor, the California Attorney General is reportedly launching an "inquiry" into the possibility that Arnold Schwarzenegger used state funds to cover up his affairs.

Movie theater owners have been caught routinely running 2D movies through dark 3D lenses, ruining the quality. And they refuse to talk about the apparently widespread problem. As if you needed another reason to skip the overpriced, advertising laden cinema.

Speculation is rampant that badass Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin got his ass beat in a Judo match after he appeared in public today with a black eye covered with lots of makeup. He definitely won, though. [AFP]

Many (four) years ago, we Americans had a vice president, Dick Cheney, who shot an old man in the face. On a hunting trip. And today that victim, Harry Whittington, is profiled in the newspaper! How's he doing?

A former Apollo astronaut says that aliens have visited Earth! He's just a well-known lone nut, you say? Well what about this NEW PLANET they found right next door, hmmm?