Here's a great way to start your Tuesday: During a House Judiciary Committee meeting last week, Rep. Joe Garcia (D-FL) picked his ear, looked at the wax on his finger, and then ate it.

House Republicans keep killing federal unemployment benefits because they cost taxpayer money. But they're now moving forward on six business-oriented tax credits that would cost far more than unemployment insurance. Why? "Growth..is the sure way to reduce deficits," says Eric Cantor.

Maybe both. On the plus side, America hates everything and everybody, according to the Washington Post-ABC News poll tabs.

Meet "the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress," and by his own account, maybe the only congressional candidate "who will stand up to Obama" with a cannon if necessary, which it won't be, if only you'll vote for him.

A Tea Party Republican House candidate and author of the self-published sci-fi novel "George Buchanan Enters the Wormhole" vows to stop all immigration into the U.S. because immigrants vote for "big government." It's an improvement on his deportation plan, "Operation Wetback."

Every member of Congress gets Hustler in the mail. No member of Congress can stop it. Who's to say they'd want to?

The "Let Me Google That For You Act" is a real bill wending its way through Congress now. It shutters a 50s-era agency that distributes government information that's mostly available for free online now. It could realize enough annual savings to buy 22 to 37 percent of one fighter jet.

Equal pay for women: It is an idea that is still ahead of its time, in the United States Senate, in the year of our Lord 2014.

You know what America has too much of? Godless socialist hippie brainwashing of our youth, who are the future. You know what America needs? Some Marine Todds to crack hippie skulls. You know who Aaron Miller is? He's the evolution-hatin' Marine Todd our Congress needs!

President Obama signed executive orders today—"Equal Pay Day"—leaning on federal contractors to pay women what they pay men. He also exhorted the Senate to pass the Paycheck Fairness Act, bringing us closer to an America where female billionaires can have outsize political influence, too.

The cuckolded husband of the staffer caught on surveillance video snogging with Rep. Vance McAllister (R-La.) says he's leaving his wife, and the congressman is a dirtbag. "If people really knew him, he wouldn't be elected," the husband told Inside Edition. "This religious family man deal—this is completely false."

Last night, after Rep. Vance McAllister (R-La.) publicly apologized for snogging, on surveillance video, in his congressional office, a staffer who was not his wife, he received a text from a stranger: "Hey bro. How's your day goin." For some inexplicable reason, he replied—at length.

Rep. Vance McAllister, a freshman Republican congressman from Louisiana who made his Baptist faith a central focus of his campaign for Congress, has been making out in the dark with a staffer who was not his wife, according to surveillance video released today.

As part of the investigation into the 13 deaths due to defects in General Motors cars, the House committee on energy and commerce found that the company was aware of the dangerous defects as early as 2001. By 2007, at least four fatal crashes and 29 complaints due to ignition issues were on file.

[Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nev. made the universal symbol for "I will cut you" today in reference to Rep. Darrell Issa, who launched a Congressional catfight last week when he cut the off the microphone of a congressman who accused him of being on an IRS witch hunt. Image by J. Scott Applewhite via AP.]

How do Texas congressmen party? For Rep. Steve Stockman this weekend, it involved a 300-person party, college kids, a bathtub, and a ton of alcohol.

Rep. Darrell Issa is the chairman of the House oversight committee, and also an alleged repeat car thief. He's spent most of the past few years seeking evidence of criminal wrongdoing in the Obama White House. And Rep. Elijah Cummings has just about had enough of his shit.

Michele Bachmann herp a derp derp derp derpity herpy derp the Jews herp herp derpy derpaderp Obama. Derp?

The soon-to-be-ex-wife of Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) got a "temporary protective injunction" against the congressman Monday, after accusing him in court papers of physically assaulting her and threatening to ruin her life.

Oh, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa). With Michele Bachmann retiring, we're going to have to count on you for incoherent defenses of antiquarian antipathies. Like, how would you explain your disappointment in Arizona for not passing that "Gays Not Served Here" law?