Police in Holyoke, Massachusetts arrested a man this week for receiving $100,000 worth of cocaine in the mail that was hidden inside a chunk of bologna, after being tipped off by authorities in Puerto Rico. Who mailorders bologna, anyway?

Paris Hilton was busted for felony cocaine possession last night in Vegas. Her defense: The purse with the coke wasn't hers. She used the same excuse when she was busted for pot in South Africa. It worked, that time.

Arrested for cocaine possession while hotboxing in an Escalade in Las Vegas, Paris Hilton was in jail from 11:30PM last night until the wee hours of Saturday morning. Why did she tweet about watching TV all night? Update: New theories.

Facebook's ideal Facebook movie is one which depicts Mark Zuckerberg coding alone in his dorm room, the action climaxing in a bathroom break. But The Social Network has cocaine and boobs. What happened to Hollywood's age-old defense of the truth?

What better time to get married than when you're standing in front of a judge, handcuffed and in a jumpsuit, for a motions hearing on crack charges? That's what Franklin Barndt did on Friday when he married girlfriend Takesha Piazza.

What's the controversial new government spending measure today? According to Sens. John McCain and Tom Coburn, it's that the Obama administration is using tax dollars to give monkeys cocaine. Wacky! But perhaps this is a skewed take, one needing context?

Fred Wills, Jr.—chef and owner of Virginia Beach restaurant Big Daddy's: A Touch of the South—has been charged with running a cocaine and marijuana drug ring in four states, Eater.com reports.

Hey, your Congress did something today! The House passed a bill (already passed by the Senate) to reduce a relic of '80s-style freak-out legislation: reducing the massive disparity between powder and crack cocaine prison sentences.

A study in the July issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology says the same part of the brain that deals with romantic rejection also handles cocaine addiction. Now there's a scientific explanation for stalking! [NYDN]

Alleged drug lord Jose Figueroa Agosto was arrested yesterday in Puerto Rico, ending a 10-year manhunt and, like fellow smuggler Christopher "Dudus" Coke, Figueroa was arrested wearing a wig. He previously escaped from prison four years into a 209-year sentence.

A 30-year-old Florida man, Matthew Magnus, was arrested last week for unleashing his self-described "biggest penis in the world" on a crowd of adults and children several times. Police found him in his apartment surrounded by dog shit and cocaine.

Two greyhound-racing Floridians are in trouble after their dogs' urine tested positive for cocaine. (Maybe that explains why they're so skinny?) Officials knew trouble was afoot when the dogs won by a nose. [CBS4, Fark, image via AP]

Actor John Stamos tried to perform oral sex on a 17-year-old girl after plying her with cocaine delivered by strippers, according to the girl, who is now on trial for attempting to extort Stamos out of $680,000. Have mercy!

Yesterday it was the World Cup of Cocaine. Today, we learn about a DEA operation that helped capture a submarine built for transporting "tons" of cocaine along the Ecuador/Colombia border. It's a drug-fueled Fourth of July weekend!

Police in Colombia found a gold painted replica World Cup trophy in a mail warehouse at the international airport in Bogota yesterday that was bound for Spain. It was 14 inches tall and made of 11 kilos of cocaine.

The UN's World Drug Report was released yesterday! Good news: Cocaine use in America has dropped significantly. Bad news: Meth use in America has skyrocketed. Also, Europe's appetite for coke has risen steadily over recent years. Everyone's on drugs.

Christopher 'Dudus' Coke, the Jamaican gang leader whose Kingston neighborhood was put under siege by authorities last month, resulting in 70 deaths, was arrested on Tuesday. Jamaican police will reportedly turn him over to the U.S. for extradition. [ABC]

A rookie NYPD officer, who was fired after testing positive for cocaine use, says he drank coca tea but was "unaware of the tea's connection with cocaine." His girlfriend's mom gave him the Mate de Coca. [NYDN]

Police in the West African nation The Gambia seized a two ton stash of cocaine, valued at $1 billion, and called in agents from Britain's Serious Organised Crime Agency for help with the investigation. Somewhere, Amy Winehouse is crying. [BBC]

There are so many things you can find at the beach. Shells! Sea glass! Driftwood! And, uh, cocaine: A beachcomber in Galveston, Texas, stumbled across a bag with 16 bricks of coke—an estimated $2.1 million haul.