What won't adult star James Deen do? Clown porn.

The terrifying clown that's been terrorizing an entire town for the last week has finally come forward to claim that he "just wanted to amuse people."

Can you imagine living every moment of your day in constant, unshakable fear of running into a evil-looking red-haired clown holding a bouquet of balloons?

Tomorrow night, Insane Clown Posse’s first national television show, Insane Clown Posse Theater, debuts on the Fuse network. Developed from a string of viral spots in which Michigan harlequins Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope riffed on Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" and Les Misérables, the eight-episode series is a web-spun mash of Mystery Science 3000, Beavis and Butthead, and Bozo’s Big Top. Whatever it is, it will surely be memorable.

The disgruntled angerbeast known as Grumpy Cat is the latest non-human entity to get the honor of a Wall Street Journal "stipple" portrait. Last week, it was Ronald McDonald, a nightmare clown that stuffs hamburgers in the mouths of sleeping children.

Dilbert Coreas could hook you up with a pony for $70 an hour, a bouncy house with a water-slide for $115 an entire day. The Florida-based kids' party planner could get you a hot-dog cabinet, a popcorn machine, or a cotton-candy maker for only $60 a piece. And if you needed something a little less family-friendly, he might be able to find that too: According to the Feds, Coreas not only was affiliated with the small business It'z A Kidz World, but also allegedly the transnational gang MS-13.

In 1999, James Glassman and Kevin Hassett—two men with actual academic credentials—published the most hilariously wrong investment book of all time, entitled, quite hopefully, "Dow 36,000." (Highly recommended reading for humor value!) The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed on Dec. 31, 1999 at 11,497—but the authors, for a variety of reasons much too complicated for you to appreciate, postulated that it could hit 36,000 within "between three and five years."

Bob Woodward is not a reliable reporter. Readers of All the President's Men, which admirably chronicles several crucial errors and misrepresentations that he and Carl Bernstein made in the course of their—otherwise excellent!—Watergate reporting, have a sense of this fact. His old boss, the legendary editor Ben Bradlee, never really trusted him, wondering repeatedly and on the record whether the story and mythology of Deep Throat—the linchpin of the Watergate story that Woodward and his partner Carl Bernstein sold to the American public—was in fact a giant fraud.

Oregon state Rep. Dennis Richardson (R-Fantasyland) won himself a measure of infamy when he proclaimed after the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings that "If I had been a teacher or the principal at the Sandy Hook Elementary School and if the school district did not preclude me from having access to a firearm, either by concealed carry or locked in my desk, most of the murdered children would still be alive, and the gunman would still be dead, and not by suicide." What a dick. But Dennis Richardson is not just any dick: he is a dick with a plan.

Mustachioed soothsaying simpleton Thomas Friedman long ago mastered a formula for justifying business trips all over the world by writing columns about them—columns that, while not genuinely insightful or even pleasant to read, contain a sufficient number of plausible-sounding platitudes to enable your average Xerox Corporation regional manager to sound informed during his morning meeting with underlings and sycophants.

Hey, nothing to worry about, but remember John Wayne Gacy, that serial killer who dressed like a clown and performed at kids' birthdays? Two Chicago lawyers are now saying he might have had three accomplices — two of whom are still alive. No word on whether or not these men also wore clown makeup, but for the sake of my sanity, I'll assume that was just Gacy's thing.

Incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian is primarily known for harassing employees and harassing journalists and giving poor advice and suing everyone over everything and representing odious clients and generally running a PR firm which is hilariously incompetent and unethical. Who better to teach you about PR?

The heartiest of congratulations goes out to Ortrud Kastaun of Essen, Germany, whose collection of 2,053 different clown-related items has qualified her for inclusion in the 2012 Guinness Book of World Records. Even more remarkably, when the lights go down in Ortrud's workshop, her army of inanimate harlequins and jesters comes magically alive, marching steadily towards you, single-mindedly of purpose, stopping at nothing until the last shreds of flesh have been stripped from your bones, all the while Headmistress Ortrud laughing, laughing, laughing in delight as your darkest coulrophobic nightmares come to horrifying life.

From TheStar.com comes the story of activist Linda Beaudoin, who is tirelessly campaigning to get clowns and their ilk — magicians, Santas, Lady Gaga impersonators, or whoever else you've been roped into hiring for your kid's birthday party — licensed and given criminal background checks.

A day after an ad campaign demanding the resignation of Ronald McDonald appeared in newspapers around the country, McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner rushed to the clown's defense, and defended his company's right to peddle toxic food to children, telling a shareholder meeting that "this is about choice."

Dan Snyder, wealthy scoundrel and owner of an awful football team whose name is a racial slur, is able to blow countless hundreds of millions dollars on high-profile free agents who immediately become bad at the sport of football upon cashing Dan Snyder's check. But oddly, he is not wealthy enough to buy one decent PR adviser who could tell him to keep his stupid mouth shut.

Frank Salvador Solorza, 46, of Redwood City, CA, was convicted this week of conspiracy, impersonating an immigration officer and attempted extortion. What makes the case particularly heinous is that the victims were members of his own family. What makes it particularly hilarious is that he was dressed as a clown and riding a tiny bicycle when he committed the crime.

Today we discovered that clowns are helping women get pregnant. Clowns?? Absolutely ridiculous. Well, not as ridiculous as you commenter folks, who can never seem to take a serious issue seriously. See the following example.

A new study shows that women undergoing in-vitro fertilization who spent 15 minutes with a "medical clown" were 16% more likely to get pregnant than women who weren't subjected to the treatment. There is little good news in this study.

American artist Jeff Koons, the man behind those giant balloon sculptures of dogs, is trying to stop a San Francisco gallery from selling balloon dog bookends. Rich people are so greedy! But the gallery is fighting back!