“Initial observations indicate a surfer was bit by an eel, not a shark, over the weekend off Hawaii’s popular Waikiki Beach, but officials said Monday they’re working to confirm that,” the Associated Press reports. “The state does not keep records of such bites, as they do for sharks.” Stay tuned!

So let's get this out of the way: I did not pretend to be dying of cancer on the popular link-sharing site Reddit. It wasn't me! Call off the hordes! Sheath your pitchforks. Extinguish the torches.

Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour has clarified his fond remembrance of the White Citizens Councils of the Civil Rights-era South, whose members weren't community heroes so much as they were Klansmen in suits. Barbour added today that the Councils were "indefensible."

The Vatican says the Pope is not "reforming or changing" the Church's stance on condoms.

Did you read about a slideshow of ugly undersea creatures on The New York Times' website on Friday? If so, the Times is deeply sorry, and would like to offer the following clarification:

White House press secretary was so nasty to whiny liberals — sorry, the "professional left" — in an interview published this morning, getting everyone all worked up. Now he's in the apology stage, calling his comments "inartful" and counterproductive.

Media mogul Mort Zuckerman is "clarifying" his claim that he helped write one of Barack Obama's speeches, after White House speechwriters said they had never met or spoken to him. He merely meant... uhh... that he supports Obama or something?

The reports of BP CEO Tony Hayward being removed as oil spill czar are all wrong, says a company spokeswoman. Hayward is simply spending "some rare private time" watching his sailboat, Bob, race around the Isle of Wight today.

Independent warblogger Michael Yon created a minor furor earlier this month when he claimed, via Twitter, that the New York Times had "paid millions" to secure reporter David Rohde's release from the Taliban. Now he says he didn't mean ransom.

Update: That advertorial Bloodcopy post below is now clearly and accurately labeled as sponsored. Phew.

Yesterday we asserted that former Bush roboflackMale Ari Fleischer was America's most irrelevant talking head. Today, however, we learned that former Bush roboflackFemale Dana Perino is joining forces with Microtrend maker-upper Mark Penn. Revision:

I love Owen, but he has trouble writing in English during a crisis. So here's the basics on what's happening at Valleywag:

Earlier today, America was introduced to Edit Pakay, the tennis coach who allegedly taught beleaguered sex addict David Duchovny more than just a one-handed backhand. "I am not going to deny it," she helpfully told The Mail. "If you want to write that we have an affair then fine. I will not argue against it." Now, though, after an abduction/probe by Duchovny's lawyers, Pakay is doing just that. Go figure! The chatty-yet-confused tennis instructor took the new version of her story to E!:

Well then: the mysterious hooded and bearded man photographed supervising the painting of a new Banksy mural yesterday is not Banksy; it's Williamsburg artist R. Nicholas Kuszyk! As he informed us just now in an email with the intriguing subject line: "not banksy! it's kuszyk." Who is this be-aviator shaded man of mystery? A Banksy collaborator who also paints some nice robots himself! See here:

Controversy! Did Jesse Jackson want to rip Barack Obama's nuts "off" or "out"? No big deal, you say? Tell it to the Post! "Veterinarians and doctors talk about cutting nuts 'off.' Only a thug or a gangster cuts a man's nuts 'out.'" Jeff Johnson makes the importance of the distinction a little clearer: "Maybe Jackson simply does not understand human anatomy. Perhaps he tells women, in the throes of passion, that he'd like to chew on their breasts, rather than suckle them. Maybe he puts his shoes on, then his socks. Maybe he thinks that hearts don't beat, that they 'squeeze.'" [Fitted Sweats]

Newspaper heiress/Page 6 Magazine contributor Lydia Hearst doesn't have a website that she's not paying the bills for. She writes us, "I wish I did not have to contact you, as I'm sure you will most-likely print this (but if you do, please respect me enough to keep my E-mail address private), but I'd like to clear something up. I do not own the site to which you are referring. I have never had an official web page, nor am I aware of who owns the site claiming to be my 'official' page. I do however have an official fan-page on Facebook. Say what you will, but please check your facts. Also, if you actually look at the page it is obvious that whoever owns it just typed those words across the screen. Have a lovely weekend. All the Best, Lydia"

Tracy Sefl, the "informal conduit between the Clinton campaign and Matt Drudge," didn't have anything to do with the wacky Obama-in-dress picture that ended up embarrassing the Clinton campaign on Drudge this morning. [The Atlantic, Earlier]

For updates on the murky details emerging from the media coverage of actor Heath Ledger's death, including drug test results performed on a rolled-up $20 bill found at his apartment, click here.

Some of the details surrounding Heath Ledger's death yesterday have been a little murky, with conflicting reports from various media outlets. Let's answer some of your basic questions.

A clarification: while new media entrepreneur Jakob Lodwick did indeed invent the term "norbum," a portmanteau of "Nordstrom" and, well, "bum," then "register a few domains," he was not, specifically, one of the people involved in the homeless people-mocking site that then went up at norbum.org. Lodwick helpfully adds that he still reserves the right to make fun of homeless people in the future. [JakobLodwick.com, Valleywag]