With racial tensions, inequality, and populist rage set to boil over, some fear America could be on the path to a violent confrontation between the angry Trumpies and the equally angry lefties. Before we decide to start this war, we must ask: who would win?

In modern America, the ability to move up the economic food chain is a long shot. One method for shaking up entrenched economic classes that has worked in the past: civil war.

There’s currently a “ceasefire” in effect throughout Syria, in an attempt to stem bloodshed between Russia, Turkey, the Syrian government, and various rebel groups. It has been violated over 30 times already. To help the U.S. keep track of this humanitarian disaster, the State Department is running a war zone hotline for Syrians to report violence. So far, it’s not going well.

At last night’s uneventful Iowa “town hall” discussion on CNN, Hillary Clinton was asked which president she most admires. Her answer: Abraham Lincoln. Her reason: a terrible muddled mess of Dixie revisionism that puts Reconstruction in the same dark bin as Jim Crow.

Imagine for a second, if you can: Donald Trump mixing up history and lying about stuff. Yes, the man who claims he saw thousands of Arab-Americans celebrating 9/11 in New Jersey also has an addled memory of Civil War history, according to a report from The New York Times.

Look who’s feeling confident: Syrian President Bashar al Assad, who made a surprise visit to Moscow to see Vladimir Putin yesterday. It was Assad’s first trip outside Syria since civil war broke out in 2011.

While rest of the country took the day to celebrate yesterday’s historical win for inclusiveness and equality, a bunch of racist idiots in the South decided to fight for their allegiance to a fallen, unrecognized confederation whose founding principle was the ability to own other humans as slaves.

In the wake of the murders of nine black churchgoers by a white supremacist with Confederate sympathies, multiple national retailers announced plans this week to stop selling Confederate flags and Confederate flag-branded apparel and paraphernalia. Walmart was the first to eliminate Confederate merchandise, with eBay, Amazon and even Etsy following suit. As of today, there’s scarcely a trace of the famous “rebel flag” on Walmart.com or Amazon.com. But bargain-hunting chattel slavery enthusiasts need not abandon their laptops for flea markets just yet: You can still buy Confederate flags at both of those sites—just not the one most people think of as “the Confederate Flag.”

If you needed to run yonder to Bessemer for that easement to cross Scuzz McWhorter’s field so’s you can dig up all the lead shot what gramma’s blasted out there from the kitchen porch over all these years, let it wait till Tuesday, son: Alabama done went down to the beach in honor of the Confederacy!

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko ordered his troops Friday to cease fire for one week in an attempt to end the ongoing conflict between his government in Kiev and pro-Russian rebels in the country's east. Over 350 people have been killed in the fighting since May.

There are fifty states in our blessed union. There is only one state that holds an open election for the general who will command its National Guard forces. The reason is to keep black people from being too powerful. The result is that a convicted stalker may end up with all the tanks and guns.

Jim DeMint, president of the conservative Heritage Foundation and latest spiritual guru of the tea party, told a Christian radio host last week completely un-ironically that "the conscience of the American people" freed the slaves in the 1860's, not "big government."

A state plan to honor Union soldiers at Florida's largest Civil War battlefield fell apart this week after "furious" pro-Confederate locals commandeered a town hall meeting, including an African-American activist who called Northern troops rapists and led the crowd in a round of Dixie.

An upstate New York man with an affinity for lawsuits was arrested this week after he fired an unloaded Civil War cannon replica at his neighbors for eight days straight.

A top Republican member of the House gathered a group of sympathetic reporters last Thursday to tell his party's side of the shutdown story, which involved an anecdote comparing the GOP to Confederate troops at the Battle of Gettysburg.

Hundreds are said to be dead after what anti-regime activists in Syria are calling a government "poisonous gas" attack near Damascus. According to the rebels, forces loyal to President Bashar al-Assad fired "rockets with poisonous gas heads" in the outskirts and suburbs of the Syrian city.

Syrian rebels will soon be fighting with American weapons, now that President Obama has authorized arming rebel militias with light weaponry in the wake of U.S. findings that President Bashar al-Assad's forces crossed the "red line" of chemical weapon use.

Operation Uphold Democracy: Haiti, 1994-95.

The U.S. Civil War officially ended 148 years ago this spring, and will likely be unofficially wrapping up any day now. But not quite yet. According to the AP, two children of veterans are still receiving benefits as a result of their fathers' service.

Lest you think the gravity of civil war would preclude people from any having fun, here's a video of a bunch of Syrian soldiers dancing to Usher and Lil Jon's 2004 hit "Yeah!"