Former police commissioner Bernie Kerik almost went crazy in prison these past couple of weeks. But now he's going home! A judge released Kerik on bail today pending his sentencing in February on the eight felony counts he pleaded guilty to last week. So it's a good day, right? Not entirely. Not only will he remain under house arrest until then, a judge put the kibosh on Kerik's request that he be allowed to leave his house to walk his kids to school. "This is not home confinement with morning strolls and afternoon strolls," the judge responded. [NYT]

Here's an important lesson to keep in mind: If the corrupt president of an impoverished African nation comes along and tells you he's going to pay you $27 million to buy a piece of land you own in Midtown, do not take him at his word. Stay skeptical, at least until you have the money in hand. Dictators, you see, tend to operate by their own set of rules; just they signed a silly piece of paper called a "contract" doesn't mean they can't change their minds later on. They can do what they want. That's one of the perks to being an autocrat!

A group of researchers report they successfully created artificial penises in rabbits by taking cells from the animals, growing the penile tissue in a lab, and then reimplanting it into the rabbits. Clearly this is encouraging news for owners of pet rabbits who suffer from erectile dysfunction. But does this mean the artificial penis will one day be available to humans and possible replace drugs like Viagra? Possibly. "We don't quite understand why it works, and it has yet to be replicated in anything more sophisticated than a rabbit," says one fertility expert at NYU. But "this could be a huge advance in the treatment of erectile dysfunction," says another. Talk to your doctor to find out if an artificial penis is right for you. Just wait about a decade to do so. [ABC News, NYDN]

Clearly, you've never been to Tunisia! [Hapsical via Fashion Week Daily]

Ralph Cioffi and Matthew Tannin, the former Bear Stearns execs charged with conspiracy, securities fraud and wire fraud in connection with the collapse of the two hedge funds they managed, were acquitted on all counts in federal court this afternoon. So much for the "first major test of a U.S. effort to obtain convictions tied to the subprime mortgage crisis and subsequent recession"! [Reuters]

Sandra Guzman, the New York Post editor who was dismissed shortly after she spoke out against that controversial cartoon depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee, is taking aim at her former employer. She just filed a federal lawsuit against the Post, parent company News Corp, and the Post's editor-in-chief, Col Allan. If you're looking for some extraordinarily salacious reading material to keep you occupied this afternoon, well, here you have it. [HuffPo]

Donald Trump has suffered some financial setbacks over the past year. But have things gotten so bad that he'll soon be forced to to fly commercial? Or is he just trading up? That remains an open question, but Trump did put his prehistoric Boeing 727 up for sale yesterday. How much Trump is expecting to collect for his home away from home isn't disclosed in the official listing, although considering the plane predates Ivanka's existence on this planet and it's made 29,000 landings over the years, perhaps not that much. That said, Trump has kept it in excellent condition. The listing says the plane was given a fresh coat of paint earlier this year and the interior was recently refurbished. Plus two of the three bathrooms have "gold plated sinks," there's a queen-size bed in the master bedroom, and a "circular shower" installed in the master bath. And did we mention the "abundant storage for fine china and crystal"? There's that, too! Join us for a tour of Donald's tribute to the 1980s below.

Katie Holmes arriving at the West 30th Street heliport with daughter Suri ... Jennifer Aniston leaving the American Airlines Theater on West 42nd Street after performing in the "24 Hour Plays" ... Matt Damon leaving the set of The Adjustment Bureau in an Escalade ... Omarion and supermodel Alek Wek crossing the street in Midtown ... Gemma Ward getting out of a taxi ... Kristen Johnston walking in the West Village ... Rihanna going into MTV's studios in Times Square ... Sienna Miller walking her dog downtown ... Hugh Jackman leaving his building with wife Deborra-Lee Furness ... Jon Gosselin reading the newspaper outside the Joe & C Deli on West 72nd Street ... and Blake Lively filming scenes for Gossip Girl in Midtown.

Looking for a job on Wall Street? Great news! Two weeks after JPMorgan revealed plans to hire an additional 1,000 brokers (a move that was quickly followed by the announcement that JPMorgan chief Jamie Dimon's dad was joining his son's firm) comes word that the bank is going on another hiring binge.

• Actress Kristen Johnston has closed on the sale of her duplex at 296 West 10th Street. The two-bedroom apartment with a solarium and terrace, which Johnston listed for $1.795 million in June and went into contract to sell in August, sold for $1.7 million to costume designers John Orberg and Janet Kuhl. [Cityfile]
• Jamie Drake, the interior designer who counts Mayor Bloomberg as one of his clients, has put his 6,200-square-foot home in East Hampton on the market for $2.9 million. [Newsday, Mercedes/Berk]
• Armon Bar-Tur, a managing director at SafeHarbor Capital Partners, and his wife Rebecca, have found a buyer for their townhouse at 92 Charles Street. The four-bedroom home, which the couple bought for $6 million in 2006 and listed for $14.95 million in October, has gone into contract after less than a month on the market. [Curbed, Corcoran]
• Private eye Bo Dietl has gone into contract to sell his Manhasset home. The five-bedroom home, which the former cop and occasional TV commentator bought for $2.3 million in 2004 and listed for $3.295 million in August, is reportedly selling for "just over $3 million." [Newsday, PDE]

Comedian Tracy Morgan turns 41 today. Mackenzie Phillips is turing 50. Actress Brittany Murphy is 32. Grey's Anatomy's Ellen Pompeo is turning 40. Mets general manager Omar Minaya is 51. Nobel Prize-winning economist Robert Engle is turning 67. CUNY chancellor Matthew Goldstein is 68. Socialite Lauren Dupont is 39. Actress Heather Matarazzo turns 27. The rapper Eve is 31. TV anchor Aaron Brown is turning 61. Film producer Roland Emmerich turns 54. Publishing exec Stephen Rubin is 68. And Sinbad turns 53 today.

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

• After 18 years in business, Zoë in SoHo is closing at week's end. [NYT]
• A roundup of a few restaurants opening this week, including Mermaid Oyster Bar, Purple Yam in Brooklyn, and Danny Meyer's Maialino. [NYM]
• Etats-Unis on the Upper East Side closed its doors last Friday. And Klong on St. Mark's Place was shuttered over the weekend following a "huge" fire.
• Famed pizzeria Totonno's, which was partially destroyed by a fire in March, is preparing to reopen, although a date hasn't been finalized. [NYM]
• The death of Art D'Lugoff has shelved plans to revive The Village Gate. [NYP]
• Adam Platt gives three stars to A Voce in New York this week. [NYM]
• Do some restaurants practice delivery discrimination? It seems so. [NYP]

There's a new playa on the club scene, have you heard? When he recently blazed past the velvet rope at Avenue, one naive young partygoer wondered aloud, "Is it P. Diddy?" No, it wasn't Diddy. It was someone even better! It was Taek Jho Low, the man making it rain at clubs all over town! Sure, he may not look like a baller—he's a doughy, bespectacled, 20-something Malaysian and Wharton graduate—but don't be fooled. Jho Low is taking bottle service to an entirely new level, and bankers who drop a mere $5,000 per night could do well to take some lessons from this guy.

• Another magazine has gone under: Hachette announced today that it's closing Metropolitan Home to "focus its resources" on Elle Décor. [AdAge]
• New York's profile of star Times reporter Andrew Ross Sorkin reveals he's one of the paper's highest-paid staffers and is beloved by the titans of Wall Street, but is not quite as popular with some of his Times colleagues. [NYM]
• Circulation is down—and losses are up—at the New York Post. [NYT]
• GE and Comcast have agreed on a valuation for NBC, which brings the parties one step closer to handing over control of the network to Comcast. [Reuters]
• Condé Nast may be trimming expenses and cutting jobs here at home, but the mag giant is busy expanding its presence in China. [NYP]
• Curb Your Enthusiasm is coming to basic cable. TV Land and TV Guide have picked up reruns of the show and will begin airing them next year. [LAT]
• Google has acquired the mobile ad company AdMob for $750 million. [NYT]
• Last night's Mad Men scored AMC its highest-rated finale ever, although considering it's AMC we're talking about, that isn't saying much. [B&C]
• A Christmas Carol was No. 1 at the weekend box office, although its $31 million gross was weak given it cost $200 million to produce. Meanwhile, Precious' $1.8 million take on 18 screens set a limited-release record. [LAT]

Remember that "controversial" Calvin Klein ad that went up this summer and then had to be taken down after a bunch of residents complained? The publicity stunt garnered tons of press, so now the company is back for more. An underwear ad featuring a "sweaty, glistening" Eva Mendes "tugging at the boxer briefs of a studly man" has gone up in its place and already outraged locals are speaking out against the "pornography" that's taking over the neighborhood. If all goes according to plan, you can expect Calvin Klein to cave in and take the ad down in about three weeks. And you can expect the next titillating billboard to go up again in three months. [AnimalNY]

The Daily News has a roundup of new neighborhood names that real estate brokers have been pushing in an effort to make the areas seem more hip, such as BoHo (Bowery below Houston Street), BoCoCa (the border of Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens), and GoCaGa (Gowanus and Carroll Gardens). None of them have caught on yet and probably never will so if you use them in conversation, you'll probably come off sounding pretty stupid (and may get mistaken for a desperate real estate broker). But feel free to take your chances. [NYDN]

Don't worry about Jon Corzine, who suffered a bruising defeat last week in his bid for reelection as New Jersey's governor. He seems to be holding up just fine. Corzine and girlfriend Sharon Elghanayan jetted off to St. Barts on a private plane last Friday and have since been spotted sunning themselves on the beach, although given the weather forecast, that may not continue for much longer. [NYP]

As if working for socialite and plastic surgery victim Jocelyne Wildenstein and being forced to face her every day in person wasn't bad enough, a group of workers who helped renovate Wildenstein's apartment staged a protest outside her apartment building yesterday over the $13,300 in back wages they claim she owes them. [NYDN]

Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and JPMorgan Chase are all on track to pay record bonuses this year, as you've probably heard. "The firms—the three biggest banks to exit the Troubled Asset Relief Program—will hand out $29.7 billion in bonuses, according to analysts' estimates. That's up 60 percent from last year and more than the previous high of $26.8 billion in 2007." But as Goldman chief Lloyd Blankfein explained to the London Times over the weekend, they're doing "God's work," and you can't put a price on that, can you? [Bloomberg]