This isn't an easy time for Dan Loeb. (The billionaire hedge funder was forced to start renting his Gulfstream jet by the hour recently.) But hopefully he'll get a chance to enjoy the big day: He turns 47 today. Others celebrating: Katie Holmes is turning 30. Brad Pitt is 45. Steven Spielberg is 62. Christina Aguilera is turning 28. PR guru/filmmaker Dan Klores is 59. Randi Weingarten is 51. Memorial Sloan-Kettering chief (and Nobel Prize winner) Harold Varmus is turning 69. Keith Richards is turning 65. Model agency owner Faith Kates is turning 51. Ray Liotta is 54. Former Miss USA Tara Conner is 23. And troublemaking rapper DMX is turning 38.

• Is Jennifer Lopez getting ready to say goodbye to Marc Anthony? She neglected to wear her wedding ring to a premiere last week, which obviously means her marriage is now "at a breaking point." [Us, The Sun]
• Jeremy Piven is heading home. Just two months after arriving on Broadway (and after showing up late to performances and skipping matinees), he says he now plans to return to LA because he's suffering from some sort of "mysterious mercury ailment." [NYP]
• Good news for anyone going to the inauguration: Alec Baldwin says he plans to stay home and watch it on TV. [MSNBC]

• The Journal is reporting that GM and Chrysler have resumed merger talks, although both companies have denied it. Chrysler has, however, said that it plans to shut down production for a month. [WSJ, Bloomberg, DB]
• Morgan Stanley employees will see bonuses drop by half this year. [NYP]
• Partners at Goldman Sachs may see bonuses fall by 80 percent. [FT]
• Mary Schapiro will head up the SEC in the Obama administration. [MW]
• More on the efforts to expose Bernie Madoff many years earlier, concerns that were brought to the SEC and ignored. [WSJ]
• Real estate execs in NYC have been particularly hard hit by Madoff. [NYT]
• What to do if you lost a fortune to Bernie Madoff? Sue someone. [FT, NYP]

A few things to keep in mind if you're thinking of sending Chinese food to the most hated man in New York after curfew. If you call China Fun on 64th and Second and ask them if it's possible to dictate a message and have it included with the order, you should expect the woman on the other end of the phone to be a bit baffled by the request and put you on hold so she can ask her manager. (They'll do it. Just explain that you're sending the food to a sick friend. We snidely included the biblical saying "This too shall pass," but you can probably come up with something better.) Don't know what Bernie likes to eat? Neither did we, but since it's been reported he's fond of steak from the Palm, we went with the shredded beef in garlic sauce. (He is kosher, though, so you probably want to steer clear of any pork dishes.) The big challenge, we soon learned, isn't getting the Chinese food to Bernie's building. It's making it past the doorman.

• That was quick. After making a splashy debut in NYC back in May (and after paying Nicole Richie to come to Moscow two weeks ago), 16-year-old Russian heiress/designer Kira Plastinina now says she plans to close most of her 12 locations in the U.S. [FWD]
• In related news, retail sales in Russia are reportedly down 30 to 40 percent. [WWD]
• Coco Rocha's new look. [Fashionologie]
• More on Betsey Johnson's "smaller, friendlier" plans for Fashion Week. [WSJ]
• Sadly, this week is likely the last for Bill Blass. [NYT]
• Kate Moss has re-signed with Topshop for another three years. [Telegraph]

Last week we wondered if First Niece Lauren Bush might want to think about doing something new and exciting with those burlap FEED bags she's carrying around to every party she's attended for more than a year now. We're thrilled to see she seems to have taken our advice to heart: A FEED-branded Baby Bjorn strikes us as the perfect way to demonstrate her concern for both world hunger and little kids. Nicely done! [GoaG, previously]

When we saw the photos of Bernie Madoff returning home a few hours ago, we didn't realize he'd also been pushed by angry pedestrians! Were there Madoff victims waiting outside his building for him to return? Did some random passerby feel a sudden urge to exact revenge and give him a good shove? It's unclear, but someone deserves a big bouquet of flowers from Mort Zuckerman or Steven Spielberg this evening!

How bleak is the situation at Doubledown Media, the company that publishes Trader? Try this on for size: "Two Doubledown employees recently took a box of Gevril watches to Manhattan's diamond district to have them appraised. Doubledown received the watches as barter payments for ad pages, and in the past has used them as sales incentives or giveaways." [Portfolio]

• There isn't much that impresses Frank Bruni at David Bouley's new Secession. Described as "the menu of an unfocused, distracted mind," the Tribeca spot comes up star-less in today's Times. [NYT]
• Bobby Flay is opening two restaurants next year in the Mohegan Sun. [Eater]
• Top Chef contestant Sam Talbot will oversee the seafood restaurant planned for the Mondrian Hotel, opening on Lafayette Street in 2009. [NYT]
• Steve Cuozzo and Jay Cheshes offer up thoughts on Oak Room. [NYP, TONY]
• The NYT publishes a profile of Rocco DiSpirito; his critics react accordingly.
• Looking for a 23,000-square-foot club in Chelsea? You're in luck! [GS]

It's not just elderly Jews and the odd billionaire real estate mogul who will go down as victims of Bernie Madoff's mammoth $50 billion Ponzi scheme. There are a few blonde, beautiful, non-Jewish socialites who are suffering the consequences, too, such as the "five stunning daughters" of Walter Noel, who handed over a staggering $7.5 billion to Madoff. The most public of the five girls: Marisa Noel Brown (left), who has appeared in recent years Hampton Style and Town & Country, and, somewhat ironically, was last featured in the now-defunct magazine 02138. [GoaG]

While most people on Wall Street are in a state of panic these days, it's worth noting that not everyone is heading into Christmas vacation with their gloomy look on their faces. Financial News has issued its list of the year's biggest winners and losers. The man who earned the No. 1 spot on the "Profit Makers" list? John Paulson, the gloomy-looking hedge fund manager on your left, who not only took home a ridiculous $3.7 billion last year, but is up another 20 percent in 2008. [WSJ]

Last week, we dialed up a few luxury hotels in places like Aspen and Vail to see how they were faring this holiday season amid the recession. The abundance of rooms didn't strike us as a very encouraging sign, especially since many of them had already slashed room rates compared to previous seasons. But that was two weeks before Christmas—maybe there would be a rush of well-heeled travelers who would take advantage of the low prices at the last minute? With Christmas Eve just a week away, we thought we'd check back in and see if business had picked up at all.

• As expected, Barack Obama has been named Time's person of the year. [Time]
• Oprah has negotiated a deal to produce movies for HBO. [Reuters]
• It appears the end is near for Lenny Dykstra's Players Club magazine. [NYP]
• News Corp. is moving its listing from the NYSE to the NASDAQ. [NYT]
• American Idol was the most time-shifted show in primetime in 2008. [Reuters]
• Cutting web staff seems to be a popular way for magazines to keep their print titles afloat. [NYO]

Bernie Madoff won't be spending the night in prison. A judge ruled earlier today that the alleged swindler can stay out on bail, provided he remains at home and he's equipped with an electronic monitoring device. An hour ago or so, he returned to the East 64th Street apartment building that he calls home (and the same building that Matt Lauer lives in), where was mobbed by the press, left. But Madoff has wisely decided to turn off his home phone. Calls to Casa Madoff just ring and ring. And there's no one picking up the phone at Madoff's homes on Long Island or in Palm Beach either! Has the household staff been dismissed? We don't know, but if you're trying to reach him, we'd recommend trying his cell.

It's never been tougher for young New Yorkers trying to break into the media business: No one is hiring, of course, and to make matters worse, you now not only have to compete with children of the rich and prominent for unpaid internships, but with actual grown-up celebrities attempting to grab a bit of cheap publicity.

A disgruntled Amtrak employee tried to recreate the magical moments in Baghdad over the weekend at today's MTA board meeting: He attempted to pull off his shoe and wing it at MTA boss Elliot Sander. The man's footwear never made it airborne—the MTA chief seems to have better security than the president—but we'll give him points for trying. [ABC7 via Curbed]

Keri Russell shopping for home furnishings in the East Village ... Peter Dinklage walking downtown... Michelle Williams crossing a Midtown parking lot, coffee cup in hand ... John Mayer arriving at JFK ... Sean Lennon walking in the East Village ... Gretchen Mol playing with her son on the set of her new movie in the East Village ... Pete Wentz heading into an appearance at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square ... Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Suri leaving dinner at P.J. Clarke's on West 63rd Street ... and Ashley Olsen walking downtown in sneakers.

Moments ago, U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey confirmed that he will be recusing himself from the ongoing investigation into Bernie Madoff. The Justice Department didn't specify a specific reason for his decision to step aside—early reports have suggested that Mukasey's son, Marc, may be planning to represent a defendant in the case. But we can report a much more likely—and personal—reason why the Madoff case poses a serious conflict for the AG. Mukasey's own synagogue was ripped off by Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme.

The Spitzers' Hopeful Holiday Card [NYDN]

Caroline Kennedy hasn't even been tapped to fill Hillary Clinton's seat in the Senate (yet), but that isn't stopping Cindy Adams from speculating that she's going to become the first female president of the U.S. The logic? "Assume Caroline gets appointed 2009, officially elected to fill out Hillary's term 2010, re-elected to serve her own term 2012. Meanwhile, Barack's elected 2008. Re-elected 2012. Leaves 2016. By then she's a sitting senator, having served longer than Barack. He was in the Senate four years. She'd have been in six years. She'd still only be in her 50s. She can be the first woman president." There you go! Just keep in mind that Adams also predicted McCain would turn the tide at the last minute and end up beating Obama. [NYP]