Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain didn't collect a bonus—his request for $10 million quickly turned into a PR disaster—but the same can't be said for some of the execs Thain recruited to the firm. Peter Kraus, who joined the bank in September, resigned last week after the sale of Merrill to Bank of America triggered a $25 million bonus payout, which the Journal helpfully points out, comes out to 0.1 percent of the total amount ($25 billion) BofA collected from American taxpayers as part of the bailout. An even more mind-numbing calculation: Kraus collected roughly $277,000 for every day he worked at the firm. [WSJ]

Why are TV networks laying off staff? Because it's a lot cheaper to hire five-year-olds, that's why. [Buzzfeed]

Donny Deutsch's career as a talk show host may have gone on "hiatus" and his personal life may seen its share of controversy in recent weeks, but the ad mogul isn't letting the bad news get in the way of his forthcoming book, The Big Idea: How to Make Your Entrepreneurial Dreams Come True, From the Aha Moment to Your First Million. Says his publicist: "I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a bestseller." [AgencySpy]

• A look at what will one day open inside Andre Balazs' Standard NYC. [Eater]
• A roundup of the changes to the Tribeca dining scene this past year. [NYT]
• Bar Milano is set to become another outpost of 'inoteca. [Eater]
• A look back at five years of Marquee. [NYP]
• A handy map of dessert spots in the East Village. [Eater]
• Construction on the Nobu Hotel has been halted. [NYT]
• Mauro Maccioni isn't thrilled with the Page Six mag piece portraying "him and his brothers as a scheming fiends seeking to throw their father into exile." [FB]
• Thomas Keller will be on Nightline tonight, just so you know. [GS]

You may have been surprised to open the Times today to see a letter to the editor by the mayor of Paris harshing on Caroline Kennedy's bid to take over Hillary Clinton's seat in the Senate. Why would the mayor of Paris, like, you know, care? He doesn't: "Earlier this morning, we posted a letter that carried the name of Bertrand Delanoë, the mayor of Paris, sharply criticizing Caroline Kennedy. This letter was a fake. It should not have been published." In a related story, officials on the Caribbean island of Monserrat have no particular opinion on whether Hiram Monseratte should give up his State Senate seat. [NYT]

Ignore all the talk of layoffs and focus on the positive: According to "biorhythm researchers" and condom manufacturers, more people are having sex right now than at any other point in the year. It may be due to the cold weather, or it may have something to do with the tendency to get a little wild during the holidays before New Year resolutions (like, say, not having risky sex with strangers) kick in. Whatever it is, enjoy yourself before the Internet or too much recession talk gets in the way! [AMNY]

It's not all bad news for the folks defrauded by Bernie Madoff. In addition to his handful of homes in Manhattan, Montauk, and Palm Beach, it's likely Madoff's 50 percent stake in this $24 million Embaer Legacy jet will eventually be distributed to the people he cheated as part of his elaborate scheme. The plane, which is based at Long Island's Republic Airport and is just a year old, was purchased by Madoff and real estate developer Edward Blumenfeld, who revealed last week he'd been "invested heavily" in Madoff and had teamed up with him to build a shopping complex in East Harlem. The two, it turns out, also went on family vacations together, which probably explains why they got together to buy the plane. (It's one of two planes that Madoff used on a regular basis: He's also a Netjets customer and is listed as a fractional owner of a Cessna 750 alongside hedge fund billionaire Phil Falcone and Richard Kinder, the former president of Enron.) It's the plane that Madoff co-owns with Blumenthal, though, that you can take for a spin, if you're interested. A company called Talon Air is still leasing Air Bernie, so if you're looking to take 12 friends on a trip—or you just want to see what Bernie used to traipse around the world and rope in new investors—here you go.

The voicemail message at Wes Anderson's New York office/apartment.

Because what everyone on Wall Street is looking for right this moment is a more lavish and expensive way to travel, US Helicopter announced today that it hopes to resume flights between the Wall Street heliport and JFK and Newark beginning in January. But even now penniless, suicidal financiers may want to take note of the news: We're pretty sure jumping from the top of a skyscraper is painful enough without getting caught in the rotor blades of a passing helicopter. [NYT]

It seems that Leigh Lezark's coldstare doesn't just look good in photos, it actually hypnotizes suggestible reporters into thinking it's still 2006: An interview in the UK Times over the weekend describes her as "the reigning queen of the feckless, fickle world of New York cool," and has her age listed as 22. It's a testament to Lezark's fascinating personality that a conversation with her yields as many as three quotes, including her devastating put down to some idiot who dared to criticize Chanel: "I was, like, have you worn it, ever?" The Misshapes DJ and model, you see, possesses "the enigma and understatement of a glamorous star of the silent screen," which may just be an elegant way of saying she should just keep quiet, lest the world realizes that barely a thought inhabits her glossy black head.

Just in case you had any doubt the real estate market in the Hamptons is in the dumps, there's new data today to support the claim. The average home sale price fell 23.3 percent in the third quarter compared to the same period last year, and the number of sales declined by 28.8 percent. Here's a way to boost the Hamptons real estate market in these troubled times: Why not offer up tours of the homes of disgraced Wall Streeters? We'd gladly hand over a ten-dollar bill for a guided tour of ex-Lehman COO Joe Gregory's $32 million Bridgehampton home. [Real Deal]

After months of delays and several projected opening dates that never quite happened, Andre Balazs' Standard NYC finally opened its doors to guests yesterday. It's a soft opening, which means people who book rooms for $195 a night still won't have access to a restaurant, room service, or gym. Nonetheless, the reservation line (212-784-5530!) has been switched on, which we'll count as a victory in these scary, recessionary times. [HotelChatter]

• Conservative radio is expecting a big boost once Obama takes office. Also, Fred Thompson, not Rudy Giuliani, will take over Bill O'Reilly's slot. [NYT]
• Publishers don't seem to be very interested in Laura Bush's memoir. [NYer]
• After a three-day blackout, China has unblocked the Times' website. [NYT]
• Is Chris Matthews running for office or sticking with NBC? [THR]
• The AP's list of top 10 news stories of 2008. [AP]
• Politico's list of the top 10 media blunders of 2008. [Politico]
• A list of the biggest media losers of 2008. [Business Sheet]

Of course, you already knew that Donald Trump's kids were unassuming, salt of the earth types, but this interview with Don Jr. and his pregnant wife Vanessa just confirms it. For Christmas this year, the couple will be at their "modest" three-bedroom home for "an unpretentious occasion" with no lavish gift giving, "just a few framed photos and albums for [their toddler] Kai's grandparents and charitable donations made in their relatives' names." They also kindly share their favorite recipes with readers, although clearly Don prefers to cannibalize his own child.

Bernie Madoff has been sequestered in his apartment since his bail conditions were modified on Friday, but that's hardly put a damper on the media frenzy. Over the weekend, the Post was kind enough to tally the funds lost by members of the Fifth Avenue Synagogue (or the "Temple of Doom," as the Post describes it), a $2 billion sum that includes a $200 million investment by Ira Rennert, an amount that is about twice what he spent on his house in the Hamptons. The Times offered up an extremely detailed look at Madoff's rise over the years, and revealed that Walter Noel, who runs the Fairfield Greenwich Group, collected more than $500 million in fees from the $7.5 billion he steered into Madoff's hands, a good portion of whuch was rustled up thanks to the efforts of his globetrotting sons-in-law.

• Bruce Bent II, an exec at his father's embattled money management firm, Reserve Management Company, and his wife, food writer Rebecca Bent (left), have listed their full-floor penthouse at 99 Jane Street for $16.5 million. [NYT]
• Model Shalom Harlow sold her one-bedroom apartment at 259 Bowery for $1.9 million. [BTL]
• Merrill Lynch exec George Bianco and his wife Shirley paid the bargain-basement price of $2.2 million for a 19-foot-wide brownstone at 123 West 85th Street. [NYT]

Diane Sawyer is two years away from officially becoming a senior citizen. It's her 63rd birthday today. Others celebrating on this chilly Monday: Chef Anita Lo is 43. Theater producer Daryl Roth is turning 64. Vanessa Paradis, the French singer/actress and longtime love of Johnny Depp, is turning 36. Ralph Fiennes is 46. Mia Tyler, the daughter of Steven and half-sister of Liv, is turning 30. American Idol winner Jordin Sparks turns 19. And Ali Lohan is 15 years old today.

• Nobody makes Harvey Weinstein wait and that apparently includes Penelope Cruz, who faced his wrath in London last week when she showed up late to a screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then went up to her suite to change outfits, causing Harvey to scream, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• So much for A-Rod. Madonna has reportedly turned her attention to a male model named Jesus, who she met in Brazil and who's now on tour with her. Less importantly, Guy Ritchie may be dating Brit heiress Jemima Khan. [P6, The Sun, People]
• Courtney Love says she's stopped taking her antidepressant medication so she can "feel the rage" when she records her new album. That sounds healthy! [Daily Express]

• Next in line for a bailout: Step right up, real estate developers! [WSJ]
• Currency traders have been least affected by the gloomy bonus season. [BN]
• JPMorgan is purchasing two business units from UBS. [MW]
• The banks that have received taxpayer bailouts paid their top executives nearly $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses and other benefits in 2007. [DB]
• John Thain's tarnished legacy at Merrill Lynch. [Bloomberg]
• 40 partners have bailed from crumbling law firm Thacher Proffitt. [NYT]
• Tim Geithner's daunting new job: Secretary of Saving the World. [Slate]

You may be planning to stay home this holiday season with a bottle of vodka and a fistful of Xanax and have little more to look forward than the soft glow of the Yule Log on WPIX, but needless to say other people have more exciting plans in store. A totally random (and occasionally jealousy-inducing) roundup of vacation destinations after the jump.