cigarettes

There's One Less Way to Get Cheap Smokes

Hamilton Nolan · 11/22/11 10:27AM

Cigarette taxes here in New York stand at four hundred and eleven dollars per pack, approximately, a burden to which New York smokers have reacted by grumbling slightly more than usual before heading out to turn tricks in order to score enough cash to buy three American Spirit loosies. "Rolling your own?" Don't try it, smart guy!

President Obama Thanks You for Not Smoking

Jim Newell · 11/17/11 05:34PM

President Obama, who has supposedly quit smoking himself, took to the YouTube this week to congratulate Americans who are participating in something claustrophobically called the "Great American Smokeout." The annual challenge, which is today, encourages "smokers to use the date to make a plan to quit, or to plan in advance and quit smoking that day." Participants will be rewarded with hallucinations, angst, a quick temper, and a desire to eat or chew anything that's in front of them! Also, less cancer later on.

The President Is 'Tobacco Free'

Max Read · 10/31/11 05:48PM

As certified by his physician, President Obama is "tobacco-free," just like an herbal cigarette. He weighs a healthy 181 pounds, is physically active, eats healthy, and "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation," which makes him a very bad Muslim.

Political World Left Apoplectic by Image of Man Smoking Cigarette

Jim Newell · 10/25/11 03:34PM

What a great comedy ad that Herman Cain's campaign released yesterday, right? It's heartwarming to see one of these old, grizzled campaign hands, in this case chief of staff Mark Block, finally getting in front of the camera in his own element: Smoking a cigarette outside some building. Then there's terrible music, Herman Cain gradually smiling over the course of 10 seconds, the works. It's strange and exciting, effectiveness aside! And yet the image of this man smoking left many political writers somewhere between confused and horrified. What does the cigarette "mean"? It's today's hot topic.

Big Tobacco Sues FDA Over Ghastly Warning Photos

Seth Abramovitch · 08/17/11 12:35AM

The FDA is to be commended for consistently raising the vomit-bar when it comes to cigarette warnings. Next month, they're rolling out nine graphic new labels — collect them all! — featuring the most impressive-looking cancer lungs and sliced-open cadavers we've seen to date. Take that, Saw movie campaign! But your favorite nic-pushers are done playing Mr. Nice Tobacco Conglomerate: They're fighting back! With lawyers!

E-Cigarette Denial Prompts Airborne Peanut Barrage

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/11 08:47AM

Remember "E-cigarettes," the electronic cigarettes of the future that we're all smoking now, thanks to the marketing genius of some rich guy? Sure, you remember. You're smoking one right now. As you know, nobody better mess with our e-cigarettes? Or else we will throw peanuts at you, or whatever else may be handy at the time in question!

Minnesota Shutdown Blues: No Beer, No Cigarettes, and Poop Everywhere

Jim Newell · 07/13/11 03:19PM

The ongoing Minnesota government shutdown is dragging the state into a new phase of No Fun Whatsoever, due to the shuttered state offices and programs that aren't handling day-to-day matters as usual. Do you Minnesotans like to drink beer or smoke cigarettes or not see poopy everywhere? Then for now, at least, you'll have to pack up your bindles and migrate down Iowa-way.

New Cigarette Warning Labels Nasty, But not Nasty Enough

Hamilton Nolan · 06/21/11 08:45AM

The FDA's main plan to getting Americans to give up the vile weed "tobacco" is to put increasingly nasty photos in increasingly prominent places on cigarette packs, until it simply becomes too socially awkward for anyone to carry around cigarettes. This will not work. But it's entertaining to watch the process! "Entertaining" meaning "nasty."

Only Nine Years of Indoor Smoking Left

Hamilton Nolan · 04/21/11 03:55PM

Enjoy your unfettered right to spread emphysema to your fellow bar patrons while you can, America: a new CDC report *estimates* that by 2020, every state in our hazy union will have a New York-style law banning indoor smoking. Fuckers.

Lots of Other Things Will Kill You Before the Radiation Does

Hamilton Nolan · 03/18/11 04:22PM

HIV testing! Fish eyes! Menthol guidelines! Dukan diet! Smoke cancer! Radiation risks! Fat marathon! Fecal stories! And wanton overconsumption of the devil salt! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—leaving you no choice in the matter!

Smokers Don't Deserve Jobs Any More

Hamilton Nolan · 02/11/11 01:24PM

The ongoing War on Smoking, having already eroded your inalienable right to smoke in various public locations of your choice, is taking things to a whole nother level: they are going to quite literally blacklist smokers, refusing to hire them and even mandating piss tests for tobacco, to ensure that smokers remain unemployed, depressed, and smoky.

Smoking Trashes Your Genes in Minutes

Max Read · 01/17/11 01:02AM

A new study has found that smoking a cigarette can cause genetic damage within minutes—so quickly it's "equivalent to injecting [pollutants] directly into the bloodstream." But, obviously, injecting terrible chemicals directly into your bloodstream won't make you cool.

It Sucks to Be a Smoker in Bhutan

Jeff Neumann · 01/12/11 07:12AM

You think anti-smoking regulations are tough in the US? Well, at least you don't have to worry about your home being raided by police with a tobacco sniffer dog, or face five years in prison for having too many cigarettes.