Ever heard those theories about how smokers thrive in the workplace because they get in so much networking on their little smoke breaks? Sure, fine. Great for smokers. Now let's snitch about how much smokers cost their employers.
What is it about a man who once smoked— but quit— that makes him so raffishly attractive to employers, not to mention chicks? I've often wondered that in my own idle moments, when not fending off advances from Fortune 500 recruiting officers. All science knows for sure: someone who's stopped smoking is a business powerhouse.
The latest numbers are in. They're grim. Take a seat. Take a deep breath. Prepare yourself for what we're about to tell you. Parents of America, we regret to inform you: only 5% of your teens are daily smokers. What the fuck is going on?
Once upon a time in the Good Old Days, "Europe" was a sophisticated land across the sea full of jazz musicians and sexually adventurous women, and all of them were smoking cigarettes sexily like there was no tomorrow. Those days are dead now. Europe is on its way to becoming just another sanitized smokeless place that sells chocolates.
The entire history of the environmental movement can be best explained as "some humans trying to fix or at least slow down what all the other humans are doing." A new report from the Ocean Conservancy says 560,000 people volunteered to pull garbage out of the seas last year, and they got a huge haul of toxic crap!
Etta Mae Lopez was ready. She was ready to finally quit smoking. But she knew it wouldn't be easy. No, it was going to be a Herculean effort. Ms. Lopez considered her options — perhaps a few months in rehab? Brilliant. No one would ever smoke in rehab. But her smokers' insurance probably wasn't going to cover that. So she picked the next best place to be when you want to stop smoking for free: jail. Because nothing stops those cravings like the thought of having to shank someone for a $30 "loosie."
WHAT NOW? Apparently there is cat litter in cigarettes—or rather the clay found in cat litter is used in cigarettes as filler. This allows tobacco companies to "weigh down" their cigarettes so that they will fall into the "large cigar" category-helping the companies avoid a federal excise tax increase of 2,653%. The rule goes as follows:
As a connoisseur of cultural detritus, you've probably seen this ad in which purported actor "Stephen Dorff," looking weary from days of dogged stubble-trimming, juts his chin repeatedly in your direction while explaining why he chooses to smoke Blu™ brand e-cigarettes, besides the fact that he is their paid spokesman. "Negative! One! I'm tired of being a walking ashtray," says "Stephen Dorff," no doubt bathed in Tom Ford cologne at that very moment.
At this point, we all know smoking is terrible for you. It causes lung cancer, heart disease, and various dental problems. There are, of course, some benefits (makes you look cool, aides concentration while night blogging, etc). But even if you're one of the remaining few heroic smokers, this should give you pause; a new study at King's London College London finds smoking will "rot" your brain.
There are times, as a smoker, when you can't help but feel bad about your habit. These times generally include smoking around small children, smoking in front of someone who is trying to quit, smoking in front of someone who has lost someone to smoking and/or is sick from smoking. Perhaps an example you may feel even worse about: The time your smoking blew up an entire city block.
Despite the fact that they have been bombarded since birth with public service announcements ranging from grim depictions of throat surgery to "cool" social media campaigns portraying cigarettes as a product consumed only by suckers, kids these days continue to smoke cigarettes, according to the U.S. Surgeon General, who has warned them about this a million times. Kids these days. What's wrong with kids these days?
Just as you suspected, nicotine gum and nicotine patches are a crock, a sham, a mockery, a sucker's bet, a shuck and jive, a switcheroo, and a false hope. They do not work. A new study confirms that they are for shit, unless your goal is to make the inside of your lip taste like a Kool soaked in Listerine. Want to really stop smoking? We have done it. More or less. Here's how.
Looking for more proof that America's overall masculinity level is now somewhere down around Switzerland's panty line, these days? Fewer than one in five Americans now are smokers. Including girls, even. How can we fix this? One tobacco company has an idea: "cigarettes." The cigars of a new generation!
